Parents helping wash up after being cooked a meal

[Advicediddlyice]

Had parents over for a cooked meal, as we often do. As usual, even though we cook there is absolutely no offer to help clear up after. Not even a small showing of helping to carry things in from the table. Is this normal? AIBU to think this is rude?

For context we don’t eat at my parents because they have a small home and horde so there is no space for us. They eat one a week or fortnight at ours and NEVER ever help. I’m fact they never help with anything (eg even things like if they eat crisps, they’ll leave the packet in the living room- sometimes even it’s just on the floor). Isn’t this so rude.

Today after dinner I said “who will help me clear the table”. My husband got up to help me and I loudly told him he shouldn’t because he had spent 3+hours cooking a roast for us. I made the kids help but no move at all from my dad.

WIBU to just assign jobs next time- “dad grab the plates into the dishwasher while I wipe the table”.

just another one of those family mumsnet get together

when no one seems to like anyone

Yes I think this is a big part of my frustrating. The. Are just generally rude and unhelpful people, so possibly that makes me more frustrated about it than I would be with anyone else. Eg I broke my back helping them move home (in fact I basically did most of it) and when we moved dad came but was unhelpful all day…spent ages finding massive elastic bands to tie doors together that ended up making them scratch each other.

Maybe the dinner thing in and of itself isn’t such a big deal. I just thought etiquette was to offer help….even if hosts might say no.

You have to delegate

Otherwise people take the piss, as has been demonstrated

do you accept you’re martyring yourself op?

I don’t expect them to clear it all up. Just an offer of help would be nice or some minimal input into helping, eg carting plates to the kitchen.

It was a lot of tidying. That’s the point. Hours of cooking and a lot of tidying that never get reciprocated….I would be embarrassed not to offer to help or maybe bring something to go with the meal.

I never expect guests to help and would certainly have refused my parents if they'd tried.

I want guests to be guests (and not interfere in the kitchen).

If you don't like them, why are they at yours once a week for dinner?

Yes. Hence why I wonder if next time I should assign a job.

Even my 90yo nan offers to help prep the veg or lay the table! Although it's kindly turned down as she's well earned to be waited on after the 1000s of meals she's prepared over the years. She always brings along a bottle of wine or box of chocs (After 8 mints - I think she has shares in them 😉). DC and nan do help lay the table and DC and DH clear to the kitchen. DF has parkinsons so is unsteady carrying stuff but even he will offer! Everyone chips in with help - why not?

I think you might need to be more directive and give them actual jobs!

but why are you having them over weekly fgs op

you don’t like them

and what the hell does your husband think?

We are at a stage where we have reached a balance of what we can have to maintain an ok relationship. I see them once a week and no more. Less and they get dramatic and it causes tension, more and I loose my shit with them and they expect more and more.

Onve a week is the best balance we have come to. I don’t hate them, just don’t enjoy time with them.

I prefer any guests, even family, not to help wash up. It's never to my standards and everything ends up in the wrong place.

My husband is softer than I am. He’s give in to manipulation to see them more than I would. He doesn’t have the emotional link I do, so gets less frustrated. Just accepts they’re annoying people.

We have dinner with my parents most weeks (at their house) and we always help clear up because they cook. I don't let them help at mine simply because it's very rare that we host. I feel a weekly meal gives a greater duty to help - if we went every few months it might be different. It's rude not to even offer help in any situation though!

Some people here are odd!

When we eat at friends we always help out like they do here. The same as my parents did when alive. Ffs it's being part of a family surely!! There are some right lazy arses here!!

I don't expect (or want) guests to clear up in my house, and in general offers are declined in other people's houses because every house has different systems for clearing away.

So majority seems to be guest shouldn’t be expected to offer help. I’m surprised but maybe I just haven’t had enough guests/hosting to know what is polite/respectful.

well this is a revelation, I never realised how completely out of step with other people’s ways we are as we always help clear up with close family and friends and friends do at ours. If friends are staying everyone preps together too.

Family not so good unfortunately and I much prefer it when we all muck in to treating family meals like a formal Abigail’s Party dinner party😂I find by the time we’ve shopped cooked cleaned and served it’s nice to have a hand and more convivial and relaxing too. Perhaps I should stop secretly finding my family lazy! But OP I’m with you and you are a saint to have them weekly.

Of course guests help (at the very least, they offer) clear up - everyone pitches in, many hands make light work and all that. Would not dream of going to a friend or family members house for a meal & expect to be waited on hand & foot

At least they didn't have those scurrilous, dishonest ones... 😂

I would expect help if they are eating at yours once a week.
This is not a very occasional dinner party

and he’s ok with having dinner in his home with annoying people once a week?

I would never expected guests to wash up. I think it's weird to cook a meal for people and then watch them help clean up.

If you don't like hosting, don't do it.

When my mum comes over she sits in the chair with a glass of wine, just like I want her too.

I would definitely expect help..In my family we always help with the washing & clearing up & even with friends we host or go to regularly all pitch in to help. What happens at Christmas or other big events? Hosts are supposed to kill themselves cooking & waiting on guests?? I'd never let that happen if I was a guest..team work makes the dream work & we can all get back to chatting, drinking, desserts, post dinner relaxing etc..