Parents helping wash up after being cooked a meal

[Advicediddlyice]

Had parents over for a cooked meal, as we often do. As usual, even though we cook there is absolutely no offer to help clear up after. Not even a small showing of helping to carry things in from the table. Is this normal? AIBU to think this is rude?

For context we don’t eat at my parents because they have a small home and horde so there is no space for us. They eat one a week or fortnight at ours and NEVER ever help. I’m fact they never help with anything (eg even things like if they eat crisps, they’ll leave the packet in the living room- sometimes even it’s just on the floor). Isn’t this so rude.

Today after dinner I said “who will help me clear the table”. My husband got up to help me and I loudly told him he shouldn’t because he had spent 3+hours cooking a roast for us. I made the kids help but no move at all from my dad.

WIBU to just assign jobs next time- “dad grab the plates into the dishwasher while I wipe the table”.

Yea we don’t get on well at all and I don’t enjoy spending time with them. So maybe it’s that affecting how I feel about helping.

If MIL comes she always helps. If I go to anyone’s house I help or at least offer to help. I just thought that was the done thing too. But I get that it seems not to be the done thing.

I wouldn't expect guests to help after (plus stuff gets out back in the Wrong Place)

Leaving crisp packets on the floor is skanky.

Stop having them round regularly.

your kids are 8 and 10 Op

so chatting with granny and grampas after lunch in the next door room surely doesn’t need your supervision

i will take a punt that you don’t generally think a great deal of your parents? and let me guess… they never have or done so any childcare for you?!

It’s polite to offer but equally I don’t think it’s rude not to offer. I very rarely take guests up on their offers to help.

Stop having them over if you don’t like them and resent that they don’t help. Seems like a simple fix

wtf

why on earth are you martyring yourself by having them over every week for dinner??

and why are you subjecting your husband and kids to this?

I imagine this get together are pretty joyless for everyone

Perhaps you should invite them less often then.

I would expect my relatives to offer and I would let them clear up and do dishes every so often, particularly as yours come to yours so regularly, it would be polite for them to do so.

The dishonest ones leave a sour taste.

Yea we don’t get on well at all and I don’t enjoy spending time with them.

and yet over for dinner weekly

baffling

The way it goes here is my parents get up and try and help and I tell them to sit down and ask if they could watch little one while we tidy.

It's what they want really. They just don't want to seem rude. I'd never expect a guest to wash up.

I hate help, I don’t mind people offering but I wouldn’t consider it be necessary. I invite people over to pamper them and to wait on them as a thank you.

Why do you keep having them over then? Bonkers behaviour.

I think the relevant part here is that it isn't reciprocated. I have no problem with one household being unable to host, a household in my family is like that. But they are aware that they never host and are therefore the perfect guests.
If you take turns in hosting then it doesn't matter if host clear up or guests clear up as everyone will get a turn of being the host with the house that needs clearing. So you might end up with different reciprocal arrangements with different people.
I don't like clearing up at other people's houses, but my parents' house is OK. DH can do his parents' house (I find myself unsure of too many things) and anywhere else we just bodge it.

I spend 3 hours doing a roast as the meat goes in for 2 hours before I do the veg while the meat rests.
also, YANBU to expect a bit of help, my MIL always offers help if she comes to dinner

Ha ha. Honey parsnips. Though making them honest might account for more of the 3 hours.

Wtf with some of these replies op of COURSE it's rude of them to not offer.

I always decline when offered help from guests even if it is family (so not guests as such). But when someone takes up my offer of help I'm more than happy to pitch in.

I imagine the hoarding is a big element though, they likely don't see mess/things need tidying.

Next time definitely do "right dad pass me the plates, mum can you just stick the cups in the kitchen thanks then I'll do dessert (or whatever)"

Tbf I wouldn't expect them to load the dishwasher but general fetching /carrying absolutely

I would always offer to help as a guest and I think it's rude if you are always the hosts if they never offered, doesn't have to be putting stuff away which is hard in someone else's house, but general wiping the table, clearing plates etc. Also find it rude when people repeatedly come round for food and never offer to bring anything.

It would never cross my mind to want help from my parents to clear up after we’d had a meal. They deserve to be spoiled and looked after because they’re lovely.

Reminds me of my dad's older sibling and partner. Long drive between houses. Meal. Then guests "Let us help wash up." hosts "No, of course we'll do it". Except that whenever it was at theirs, we somehow ended up doing it, and whenever it was at ours, we somehow ended up doing it. Very subtly done, but after a while, we children noticed.

Yes it would be polite for them to offer but then polite for you to refuse. At ours family,friends might offer, gather plates together etc but I make sure they don’t leave their seat and carry on chatting . I clear the table stack dishes direct into an empty dishwasher while DH makes coffee. No fuss job done. Perhaps you need to switch things up and have them round for Saturday tea, cake and sandwiches. Less bother.

I seem to be in the minority here, but think it is polite to offer to help when you are a guest but most hosts would not want help generally.
It is different with parents that you see frequently and I would expect them to help out. At the very least they should help clear the table.

If it's as regular as once a week, then yes I think they should offer.

I wouldn't expect less frequent guests to.

Either way they shouldn't leave crisp packets on the floor

I thought this was about how to stop elderly parents who insisted on helping clear up!

Mine always offer but we always refuse

wtf

i do them every week

they must be black by the time you serve