Parents helping wash up after being cooked a meal

[Advicediddlyice]

Had parents over for a cooked meal, as we often do. As usual, even though we cook there is absolutely no offer to help clear up after. Not even a small showing of helping to carry things in from the table. Is this normal? AIBU to think this is rude?

For context we don’t eat at my parents because they have a small home and horde so there is no space for us. They eat one a week or fortnight at ours and NEVER ever help. I’m fact they never help with anything (eg even things like if they eat crisps, they’ll leave the packet in the living room- sometimes even it’s just on the floor). Isn’t this so rude.

Today after dinner I said “who will help me clear the table”. My husband got up to help me and I loudly told him he shouldn’t because he had spent 3+hours cooking a roast for us. I made the kids help but no move at all from my dad.

WIBU to just assign jobs next time- “dad grab the plates into the dishwasher while I wipe the table”.

My adult DC come for a meal sometimes, none of them ever offers to help, if they did I'd say no. It's for the host to do, and a treat for the visitors.

The only time I've spent close to 3 hours on a meal is a Christmas dinner for 12 people. A Sunday roast shouldn't take that much prep, unless you are counting the time things are unattended in the oven.

3 hours for honey roast parsnips apparently??!

You know what they’re like by now. I’m not sure why you would expect any different from them, or for them to respond to your hints.

Some options:

• Invite them over less often
• Make less effort, so less tidying up
• Ask them to do specific tasks
• Ask them to bring food

Dinner party guests. No.

Regular guests. Yes. And they should want to.

Id be stretching out that weekly visit with excuses or a frank it’s a lot of work for me and DH.

Make less effort type of food, with quick & easy cleanup that could be done as you go. Main course only, followed by a cup of tea.
I certainly wouldn’t go all out for them on a regular basis.

YABU, if I was lucky enough to have either of parents to dinner I would not expect them to clear up and wash up the dishes.

Same, we don't treat our parents like this in our culture.

I think it really depends. Every family is different. When we go to my Ds's we're not allowed to lift a finger. So when they come to us they tend to sit back and let us do everything. When we're ar DB's it's a different vibe and everyone chips in - so they offer to help when they're at ours. Both approaches are valid. Today, MIL cooked for us (no help from FIL) so we washed up. We often cook for them but never let them wash up because they're elderly and tired and it's just not worth the effort of reminding them where everything goes. I would always offer to help unless I was told firmly not to. So I do think it's rude if them not to offer. But it's not a 'rule' that they have to.

I think your relationship with them is clouding how you should be treating them. Loving parents turn out children who love them and don't think of them as 'guests'. I just think generally it's rude to expect guests of any type to clear up.

I offer when I go to adult DCs but would be taken aback if they accepted. When they come to me they offer and I decline. As far as I'm concerned it's all on the hosts.

YANBU if they never offer. Next time, towards the end of the meal you can say you are exhausted and ask them directly for help. "Could you help me (or DH) with clearing away. I need to stop for a bit". If that works, on subsequent occasions, say how nice it was to share and how you would like it to be the usual thing. Direct communication or lack of it seems to be key.

Good suggestion. It has to be direct or they won’t get it. I have to be really blunt with them about anything.

I don't like me guests helping to clear up normally, but if they're coming every week then yes, I think they should offer.

I think your idea of delegating is a good one. If they don't like it, they don't have to come. Win win!

@Advicediddlyice

they are your parents op

I presume they did a lot for you when you were younger

now it’s time for you to give back a bit and take care of them!

get your kids to help if you need help

Nah I'd never expect this, lovely if it happens (although tbh it does involve a lot of supervision - stuff gets put away in random places etc).

I'd downgrade the meal, prep in advance, look at division of labour, clear up as I go etc if I were you OP

I really think it depends on your family (or your friends). Mine are the type to immediately pitch in on the cooking and if they’re not needed there they will want to help clear up in the kitchen afterwards. But then my family aren’t the sitting around type and they can all cook. We catch up and chat whilst in the kitchen cooking. If my mum is tired I’ll sit her down with a glass of wine at the kitchen table so she’s still part of the fun.

Yeah, let's put the old folk to work.

I've never expected my mum or in laws to lift a finger.

You should always offer.

I mean they raised me, but I moved out at 16. They really only did the basics. I’ve never much bought into that “my parents did so much for me” vibe, just because my parents fed and parented me as a child. That’s just a basic isn’t it?

My parents used to help but are too old now. I wouldn’t expect friends to offer to help but family I would, especially if they come regularly and never host. It’s just nice to chip in when someone’s made a big effort to cook.

You still haven't answered why you have them over so often when you don't get on with them?

I want them to offer, and I’d most likely decline or for them to show some minimal effort by doing something like putting their own crisp packets in the bin. Hardly “putting them to work”

Yes I have, further up. I explained this is the best balance we have managed to get. Between what they want and what I want. I don’t hate them, but I don’t enjoy time with them. I do it out of duty and because despite having a difficult relationship with them I do love them.

Your parents sound a bit odd
How do they manage at home?

If I invite someone to my home for a meal I expect them to do nothing except relax, enjoy themselves and eat the meal. I would actually feel a bit embarrassed if someone started clearing up or tidying my home!