Mother’s Day is supposed to be for me too?

[Lumiodes]

I don’t want to spend my day hanging out with DH’s mum and her boyfriend, who she’ll insist on bringing. It’s MY day too, why do I have to spend it with people I can’t be bothered with?

I left it till the absolute last minute to say shall we stay home and cook dinner today, because I don’t feel up to a walk and the weather forecast isn’t good. I knew if I mentioned it earlier in the week it would end up not being my dinner because DH would want to invite his mum and she’d bring her boyfriend even if he wasn’t invited.

We got up at 6am when DS1 started whinging, and I said I might pop to the shop when it opens and get a joint of meat and a cake, because I don’t fancy a walk after all. DH has started moaning it’s too late to invite his mum now. Are we not allowed to just have a nice dinner ourselves?

Great. Let him go and be special with her. I’d be happy to cook dinner for myself and my DC while he’s at his mums. I just don’t want to put up with her myself.

So her kids can see her/treat her. It doesn't have to b the OP, she's not her mother and they don't get on.

Why is cooking dinner news to him, surely it wasn't unpredictable that you will eat today although I don't know how regularly you cook a roast. It sounds like he's just finding things to moan about. And much like he assumes you will feed him a nice meal he doesn't have to organise he also assumed you would make plans to accommodate his mother so he didn't have to bother himself. What a charmer.

You need to lay out your boundaries better. The facts are you don’t want to see his MIL, ever. So you need to go low or no contact. Tell him that. He can scream and shout all he likes. If he chooses her over you then that’s your answer anyway.

To be fair she hasn’t been mean for years. The worst point was when we got married about ten years ago (she ruined my wedding). Currently she’s been polite to me for the past 3 years or so. But I still don’t want her around because I haven’t forgotten.

I will say though OP you'd be in a better position if you just laid it out clearly that you do not want to spend any more time with her or her boyfriend socially than strictly necessary, today included. So when Christmas comes around again you have set the precedent - she is not coming to yours, you are not cooking for her, he can take the kids over for an hour or two at some point.

You do not have to put up with crap people because they happen to be related to your husband (or even because they ARE your husband - because from how you describe him sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree!)

I couldn't be arsed with the aggro. I'd just tell him to go spend the day with his Mum, and you chill at home with DC doing what you want.

But remember this when Father's Day rolls around.

It's fair enough that you don't want to spend any time with her but the way you are going about it is ridiculous. Saying you weren't making a meal so he could not ask his mum in advance and suggesting a trip where there are loads of stairs is no way to live!

You just need to be clear about what you want.

You don't mind if your husband goes to see his mother you don't mind if he takes the children.

You do mind her coming to your house and you do mind her joining on days out when you are there.

You don't mind cooking but you do not want to cook for her.

You should have planned it better. I'm spending my mothers Day with friends who have lost their mums. I doubt I will see my children. I sent my mum a card. It's a nonsense made-up day. That people over invest in

This. Be clear.

So the mother in law gets a free meal cooked by her daughter in law every year whilst her actual lazy, selfish son does fuck all? Fuck that!

OP, do not cook for the bitch and do not cook for your twat boyfriend.

Seriously, the man sounds like a dickhead, why are you with him?

Look at the big picture. The OP’s boyfriend who is an abusive twat who shouts at her when OP doesn’t want to cook for his mum.

Saying OP should have planned it better is victim blaming.

Urgh how did you manage to have a child with a selfish mummy’s boy. Would have been guaranteed to have put me off sex.

Wtf? You’re not teenagers, there’s no need to engineer and manipulate, just sit him down and ask for a day where you don’t cook for her. He can see her in the morning.

If as you say he’d get nasty- your relationship isn’t healthy, is it. I’d be more worried about that than avoiding MIL.

There's obviously bigger problems in your relationship if you feel the need go wait until the last minute then switch the plans which is unreasonable behaviour really. Try saying what you want and dealing with the fallout

Oh he was happy for me not to cook at all. What he’s not happy with is me cooking but not inviting his mum. He thinks if I’m cooking he should be able to invite her.

This is ridiculous.

All of it. The drama about Mother's Day. The inability to have a straightforward conversation. Your resentment at your MIL for events a decade ago.

If you wanted a particular plan for Mother's Day, you should have said so in good time.

If your H objected, that's a problem in your relationship - deal with that.

Stop focusing on 'my special day' & just communicate. Like an adult.

I understand, but he has no right to demand you include his mum or to shout at you.

What are his good features? Because from the outside, he sounds horrible.

He thinks if I’m cooking he should be able to invite her
And in any normal relationship, he should.

But if you don't want him to, use your words & say so, and deal with it.

It’s not even OP wanting a particular plan from her boyfriend. The poor woman just wants to cook her own meal on Mother’s Day and is even going to go shopping for it.

She has not asked for anything from her boyfriend.

He's being ridiculous. You aren't his paid chef.

Why does MIL automatically get an invite to a meal OP is cooking for her own Mother’s Day? It’s not Mother-in-Lay day!

The entitlement to women’s time and labour is insane.

Well tell him, I'm going to the shop to get dinner for us, you pop to your mums with flowers and chocolates ect and I will see you back here when you are finished.
You need to be honest, I don't want to spend every special day, holiday ect with your mother if you want to you can but I don't want to, let your sister have her for a change.
It doesn't matter if his sister lives further, she needs to do her bit.
You definitely need a frank and honest conversation with him, to stop this in the future

May I ask where your mum comes in all of this? Why the obsession with appeasing MIL particularly?

But now he’s moaning that I should have said earlier about cooking dinner.

Well, I mean, I think that's fair enough.

You had a plan for mother's day, which you changed at the last minute. I'd be a bit annoyed to.

Use your words.