Neighbours keep asking for favours!

[Popcornlassie28]

My husband and I live in a village around 15 minutes from the local shops etc. We currently have two children and I’m pregnant with our third. We both work (I work shifts) and I’m also studying at uni so I’m always constantly busy being a mother, at work or as a student.

My neighbours are middle aged with no children. One drives and the other doesn’t. Recently due to medical reasons the one who drives has had to stop driving until a health clear.

Since then, I will be home with the children before/after school, getting ready for work or coming off a night shift that morning and SO ready to sleep and my neighbour will come knocking asking to be taken to work often because she’s ’missed the bus’, ‘bus doesn’t run at this time’ etc. They do not take no for an answer and she will return two, three times plus until I answer as she knows I’m home as my car is in the driveway. She is very forceful.

I haven’t minded up until this point helping where we can but it’s getting a bit much. There is never any offer for fuel money either and it’s a 30 minute round trip to drop her to where she needs to go.

In the warmer weather, they will put their heads over the fence while I’m relaxing in my garden to ask for things and ask my children ‘Go and grab Mummy/Daddy’ so they can ask for more lifts/favours. My garden should be a safe haven where my children can play and we should relax without being bothered? Or am I wrong here? I would knock the front door and if they don’t answer I wouldn’t dream of being that pushy.

I have been polite to keep the peace but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her.

How can I be forceful but polite? Am I being unreasonable? I am terrified when the baby comes she will be banging the door down to be taken out when I’ve just got them settled and I don’t want to fall out but I know I will lose my temper at this point.

Another technique - if you can pull it off - to say yes but then don't. Don't rush to be ready to go. Do have to do a,b,c through to z first. She has to be on time for work so won't be able to wait. Like with a controlled crying technique it will be painful but if they aren't the answer and no feels tricky yes, but may be easier

And ask about the petrol money. Don't be shy about this.

This is genius! Best reply so far. You can say this with a smile and I love the fact it directly highlights her cheekiness.

no - don't be a prisoner in your own home

don't make temporary excuses that work only as a one off

just say 'no more lifts'

or if you're too embarrassed- which clearly they're not - get DP to say. Or put a note through their door

yes, just tell them, please
you are not a taxi service.
no - it is not convenient.

Just say no, I'm busy sorry. Please stop knocking because you're waking up the baby. While closing the door on them. You need to ignore them. Unplug the door bell and if they send your kids to get you, just tell them to say, mummy's busy. They'll give up after a week. I had similar with a neighbour, but yours sounds far worse. Who do they think they are, demanding lifts from neighbours? Who even does that? I'm really surprised you've done it?! Don't be a wet drip. Your children learn how to behave to behave from you both. Be assertive and say no If you give in, they'll hound you for more.

say no and offer to order them an uber

i had neighbours who forever were asking for food, squash, milk biscuits
sent their kids
once she was away and the husband and his dad turned up

Yes this is very clever!

No i am busy and to be honest I have my hands full so can’t do this going forward

Don't be a wet drip. Your children learn how to behave to behave from you both. Be assertive and say no If you give in, they'll hound you for more

I agree with this. Stop being such a mug and say no. No wonder they're taking advantage if you're acting like their taxi driver and butler all in one free bespoke service.

Think about what your children will learn from this- that its ok to be walked all over in life out of a fear of not being thought of as "nice", which btw, you wont get any medals for. They don't care, noone in your neighbourhood cares- you are the only one wringing your hands about your level of "niceness".

I don't think that works if you're lying down in the garden, chilling

If she won't stop maybe start turning the tables on her. When she comes round asking for something from her. Say something like, ah great I was just about to pop round asking if you can have the kids as I need to go to work. Or, ah great, while your here, can you help clear our the loft etc . just ask her for favors that she won't want to do! Until she is too scared to ask! Also re the petrol, tell her you have given her this many lifts so she needs to reimburse your petrol money of xxx and pay (Uber rate) for future lifts! In the hope that she will back away and look for another mug!

@junebirthdaygirl I totally got the same vibe. If you are a student nurse these are not your patients and you don't have to provide this service for them, it's OK to say no.

It will only get worse as they get older and health needs increase. "Oh his carer hasn't shown up would you mind helping with a wash and getting him in his chair?"

I don't think it would be the worst thing to go round when there's no request with your DH an explain you cannot be this role for them and they will have to find an alternative solution to their transport problem.

You need to be straight with them and say you can’t help them anymore. Explain your life reasons as you wrote here. They probably won’t like it but it’s tough. They can get shopping delivered or a taxi otherwise they probably need to move.

I’m with everyone else here - put some trellis up and a sign on your front door with the numbers of a local taxi firm if they come knocking. Block any mobile numbers so they can’t text for shopping etc and say NO if asked in person. They are adults and need to take responsibility for their own lives. You have kids you need to prioritise. Things will feel awkward for a while, but they are out of order.

You’re their neighbours not their staff. Your husband is right, it’s definitely time to push back. I don’t see the point in being polite with it, they’ll keep pushing. “No, I’m not doing that. Hope you figure something else out. Bye”. I wouldn’t say sorry at all. I definitely think you need to sort this out before baby number 3 comes along. The last thing you want is these 2 self centred morons bothering you when you have a newborn.

Who said anything about OP being a prisoner in her own home? I said OP shouldn’t go out to the back garden when they summon her.

YABU not to have said no before now. I'm a people pleaser but would have stopped this before now. So what if she keeps knocking on your door. That doesn't mean you have to answer it. Let her keep knocking. If she ever asks oh maybe I was asleep, maybe i was in the bath. Whatever. She'll know you obviously couldn't have slept through but so what. She'll get the message. That's if you can't say no straight out. It's totally acceptable to say sorry but I've just got home from my shift and i need to sleep now. End of discussion. If you really want to be nice game her a number for a local taxi place. I know a few other said send your dh over to speak to them. Sounds like he hates her enough to do it? You can both be reasonable, respectful and still say no this has to stop.

I can run you around. It’s £1000.00 a week. 10 weeks payable in advance, cash only.

No? Then fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when you get there, fuck off some more.

Being a 'nice neighbour' hasn't worked for you so far. You and your DH are being far too passive.

You need to be assertive, firm and consistent in your interactions with these CF.

'No, we can't keep doing this for you. I can't give you a lift now or in the future - we are very busy people already and about to have a baby. You need to sort out your own transport. Here is a taxi company's number.....'

Of course it works, OP’s time doesn’t belong to them.

This is one situation I would not care about being polite in.

Which then she needs to make clear. All this fannying around with oh I'm busy/have a load of washing to do/not answer the door. The terminally thick skinned will ignore that. Really it's just a question of saying : no, I won't be giving you a lift, not this time or in the future. Please don't ask again

It is a shame they have taken advantage of your original kindness. They are incredibly selfish.

Your third child is the perfect reason to stop all favours completely and you don’t have to wait until your baby is born. The next time you see them, tell them you are pregnant and with your family, work and education commitments neither you or your husband will be helping them out in any way going forward. “Please accept that and do not ask again as you will be refused and I would prefer to remain cordial.”

Their transport to work is not your responsibility and if they can’t carry their shopping they need to get it delivered. Once you are no use to them I doubt they will speak to you much at all and won’t bother you and your children when you are in your garden.

@Popcornlassie28 oh hen, this isn't use of a jet wash and cup of sugar every 2 years. This needs to stop.
Being neighbourly doesn't mean you have to be beholden to being a unofficial servant to a horribly rude, obnoxious and entitled person.
You sound like me Popcorn, before I stopped being a wee dickhead.
Many years back, (my DP LOVES telling anyone he can this story, it's whole stupidity/CFery just crack him up!)

Dp and I were dating and he came over for his dinner. Being single with one DC myself often I had the local kids come over for dinner so my wee lad had company. It was an area full of poverty and loads of typical "channel 5" families. Anyway, it was a Friday night and were settling down for our meal and the door knocks frantically, my neighbour and her 3dc at the door, "Lauren can you watch the kids, I need to go to a&e, they've not eaten but they're not fussy", one was a wee baby, no milk etc, no nappies, but she was frantic. I send her off telling her go get seen etc, she seemed so worried. So dp (wasnt even my boyfriend at this point!) goes the shop for me, gets some baby milk and nappies and Ella's kitchen thingy, stops off the chippy for some sausage and chips for the older kids. Sees a taxi outside neighbours house and assumes it's taking her a&e. As expected.
We feed the kids. They get tired so I put them in my DCs pjs and put the baby in my dcs old pram, put the older 2 into my bed, haven't heard from their mum but she dropped them about 6, it's now 11ish.
Kids settled I got on fb to message her, to see... tagged photos of her and a group of pals all on an impromptu night out. She's on karaoke, she's dancing around, she's doing shots, all of it. 😂having the time of her life.
Because she was so hammered I just let the kids stay, she didn't contact me, I didn't her, I'd love to say I dropped them bright and early for her hang over to kick in but what actually happened was I ended up keeping them until her mum found out I had the kids, knocked awkwardly, she tried to keep her lie and I just said, "I've seen her fb posts, don't bullshit me, it's fine". And that was that. I did refuse after that to have the kids again though. Quite honestly if she'd have just said "lwren will you babysit tonight, I'm dying to go out", I'd have said yeah, but the lying etc was so unfair. Plus I was pissed off that she left the baby with no nappies or spare clothes, was just lucky really I had things i kept for my friends wee baby visits, sheer luck, without them dp would have needed to run the asda 😂

Don't be like me Popcorn, don't be the pleb who couldnt say no to people until her 30s. It makes life so much more difficult for you and you know what, you can break your bones for arseholes that wouldn't give you the steam off your piss. You need to be a rolemodel for you DC as well, don't want them thinking that you have to put yourself out for others, that's what made me change, I didn't want my kids saying yes to anything they didn't want to do because they saw my wee dickheady self say yes to things I'd have really rather not done.

I don't know if it's being women we've been told so much to be "good girls/be kind" or just awkwardly British and people could offer you a moldy piece of toast and you say, "that's lovely, ty", but we need to stop doing it. It's really affecting your quality of life isn't it?

I sympathise hugely and hope you get this sorted now. And definitely put a fence up!