Neighbours keep asking for favours!

[Popcornlassie28]

My husband and I live in a village around 15 minutes from the local shops etc. We currently have two children and I’m pregnant with our third. We both work (I work shifts) and I’m also studying at uni so I’m always constantly busy being a mother, at work or as a student.

My neighbours are middle aged with no children. One drives and the other doesn’t. Recently due to medical reasons the one who drives has had to stop driving until a health clear.

Since then, I will be home with the children before/after school, getting ready for work or coming off a night shift that morning and SO ready to sleep and my neighbour will come knocking asking to be taken to work often because she’s ’missed the bus’, ‘bus doesn’t run at this time’ etc. They do not take no for an answer and she will return two, three times plus until I answer as she knows I’m home as my car is in the driveway. She is very forceful.

I haven’t minded up until this point helping where we can but it’s getting a bit much. There is never any offer for fuel money either and it’s a 30 minute round trip to drop her to where she needs to go.

In the warmer weather, they will put their heads over the fence while I’m relaxing in my garden to ask for things and ask my children ‘Go and grab Mummy/Daddy’ so they can ask for more lifts/favours. My garden should be a safe haven where my children can play and we should relax without being bothered? Or am I wrong here? I would knock the front door and if they don’t answer I wouldn’t dream of being that pushy.

I have been polite to keep the peace but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her.

How can I be forceful but polite? Am I being unreasonable? I am terrified when the baby comes she will be banging the door down to be taken out when I’ve just got them settled and I don’t want to fall out but I know I will lose my temper at this point.

This.. Too

Do not let them think you're sorry for your lack of help!!,

I'd be going further at this stage and saying..

No I'm not helping you. Stop coming to my door. And REPEAT... And then threaten to call cops for harassment..

Can only echo what other posters have said, I can't believe this has gone on for so long!

How is she "forceful" when she keeps coming back @Popcornlassie28 ? I can't imagine how someone would even be like this!

Why do u feel u should give in? You’re not being nice if you do you’re just being exploited. They don’t care abt your feelings and yet you must still believe that you need to please people. Those people you need to please are your family including yourself. That’s not selfish that’s right. Let her bang on the door no is no and if anything calculate the trips in petrol and leave a note saying I do hope you appreciated the lifts here is the fuel costs thank you

In my experience excuses do not work with people like this. I'm also a people pleaser but I force myself to set boundaries in these situations or it affects my mental health. These people are harming you and your family. What works for me is having a phrase and just using it again and again until they get the message. 'I'm sorry but I'm unable to do that'. 'Hope you get it sorted'. You can say it in a friendly/ sympathetic tone and then a bright 'bye' and close the door. You absolutely do not need to make up excuses they have completely over stepped and will keep pushing you for more. I know it's hard as a people pleaser but you CAN do it Good luck, be firm and set a good example for the kids.

I reached the end of my tether over next doors using us as their Amazon delivery address. They even gave Amazon our address, without asking us. It was constant, as they used Amazon a lot, especially leading up to Christmas.

It was so difficult as you have to live next door to these people and you don’t really want to fall out with them. Luckily they moved. 😃👏

Your neighbours have taken their CF to an altogether unacceptable level @Popcornlassie28 . I think the time has come to put a complete stop to this madness. Stuff staying on good terms with them, just tell them to do one.

This is so unreasonable at first I thought it was a wind up. Amazing to think such people existed, but we had a couple like this next door to us once who absolutely took the piss. Or at least tried to, until I shut them down.

I find the three strikes and you're out rule works well for discerning absolute CFers before they get to be repeat offenders. Once is fine, I'll happily oblige. Twice, I'll do it but you're on probation in my head. Third time, it's a hard no and take a hike, you piss-taker.

To expand on this "Sorry I didn't budget for the fuel costs taking you to work so I'm all out and not sure how I'm going to get to work now." Cheeky fuckers!

A forceful no with no reason and shut the door. My mother was asked to take a neighbours daughter to school daily. She said a forceful no and shut the door. The woman never spoke to her again. She did not care as it was her right to say no.

Stop being a doormat. Say no no and no until she understands. You will have a baby soon and this needs to stop. No way would I get 2 kids and a baby in the car to constantly give favours. What does she do for you?

please stop pleasing others to your inconvenience. She just needs to learn to get to the bus stop on time.

can you plant a very high bush on the garden fence. We have a very tall buddleia for similar reasons, they grow super fast and attract butterflies! Or just get some trellis.

“but they are now asking my husband to give lifts at 8am into work on Sunday morning as ‘bus isn’t running’ and even though I’m pregnant ‘Can you pick up the 2 litre bottles of water from the shop for me? They are heavy for me to carry on the bus’. My husband is saying it’s going too far and to start pushing back and being forceful with her”

you DH also needs to push back! Don’t open the door at 8am on Sundays or say “it’s not convenient” . You need to be clear now before baby arrives.

btw we are very friendly with our neighbours and they do ask the occasional favour (but nothing like lifts, more like please put my bins in or feed the cat) but we do too and they have done emergency babysitting when I had to rush to the hospital with the other child. They never ever speak to my children over the garden fence or stick their head over. Healthy boundaries.

OMG I'm so, so shocked at how mercenary she is!

She clearly doesn't give a damn about you, so you shouldn't worry about how you treat her, from now on in.

You don't need to be horrible, just firm. If it's easier write a short note telling her to stop asking for lifts, as you are too busy and poking her head over the garden fence, as you want privacy.

Get mad and I’d even be tempted to add, “it is not my responsibility to get you to work”. Which it isn’t. Go grey rock after that so basically ignore.

I bet they are brexiters too. Tell them to fuck off next time. And if she gets abusive. POLICE.

Thank you for the replies. I was worried I would be told I’m not being ‘a nice neighbour’ due to the reason the driver can’t drive is due to health reasons

As someone said in a thread yesterday, "never be concerned about being rude someone who has no hesitation in being rude to you". They are being incredibly rude and demanding so why are you so worried about being "nice" to them? They are literally upsetting you whilst pregnant- thats not very nice is it?

There is a huge difference between being nice and being kind. Niceness often involves doing things you really don't want to do out of poor boundaries and an inability to say no. Being nice means forcing yourself to do things to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. It's not actually "nice" at all- its borne out of worry and fear of unacceptance and it causes huge resentment and can even cause illness over time because you never get to look after your own needs.

Say no. The key thing here is then following that through with action by not doing it and not caving in. If you cave, all they will learn is that it takes three or four times of asking for you to give in. Start saying no and meaning it. Stop worrying about if they think you're nice and start pondering why it is that they don't care if they come across as nice or not because they don't give a toss do they?

Put a stop to this now, when the baby comes this could mean hell for you - them banging on the door for a lift when
you’re trying to nap/breastfeed/baby is crying. Don’t worry about being polite, they are being incredibly rude!

You don’t live in Wales do you? Sounds exactly like my mum & Dad’s old neighbours. My mum resorted to regularly saying “sorry, we can’t give you a lift, we’ve had a drink”

Cheeky bastards. They have been taking advantage of your good nature. They are so inconsiderate. Leave a note on your front door saying please do not knock/disturb. Also, tell them you need not to be disturbed or asked for favours. You don’t need to give a reason. Saying no is so empowering.

Set your boundaries, say no and TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! It’ll feel amazing. Let us know how good it feels once you e done it.x

Send a signed for letter to her. 'Last month you have asked for 4 lifts. Last month you spoke to our child in the garden as you wanted something from us.
This is to let you know we will no longer assist you with lifts or shopping etc. Do not speak to our children in the garden. Signed by both of you. Keep a copy. Make sure your data of lifts etc.is correct. Print out delivery proof.

Sorry, no sympathy for your OP if you cant grow a backbone and sort this out and need "help" from internet randoms.

You complain about your neighbours , that they are adults and should sort out their own transport issues.

Similarly you are an adult yet you are not sorting out what is a very simply issue really.

Any normal person would have told them long ago to get to fuck - pregnancy/work shifts etc are irrelevant. They are cheeky for asking and you are spineless for not dealing with it.

🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️

But then also you need to back it up. I’d be worried that even with a letter they’d still ask.

@Popcornlassie28 Huge sympathies. I had a very similar situation, also pg - with my 4th, with only 1 at school - and still commuting on 3 days a week to a job in London.

I like to be a good neighbour and the elderly lady next door lost her husband soon after we moved in, so once a week I would take her to her church lunch group on my way to toddler group with my preschoolers...and she'd get the bus back, or a lift with a friend.

That's how it started, and I didn't mind, because I was going in her direction. But over time, and once I was on maternity leave, she would ask for me to take her to medical appointments, or go and pick things up from the supermarket, etc etc.. and I realised I was running errands several times a week - as was the neighbour on the other side of her - when it transpired that 2 of her (retired, driving) daughters lived very close by.

I had to say that I couldn't help any more because it was disruptive for the baby etc. She was very grumpy about it and I didn't get a thank you for anything I had done for her up to that point either.

I think you (and DH) have to go and see her, and say that you are no longer able to help due to the demands of your own family, and that she will have to make alternative arrangements. And then don't answer the door, put trellis up so she can't see over, and hopefully she will get the message!

They are outrageous. I don't think being polite will work. You will need to at least be very blunt.

"No, I can't help. You will have to get a taxi"
"I've told you I'm not helping now stop harassing me"
"Let me make it very clear, I am a busy mother with my own plans, not your taxi service. You are an adult only responsible for yourself. It is not my job to fix your problems, now please leave me alone"

… I’d put a note through saying your days of favours have now come to an end so pls plan your trips into town accordingly, followed by placing a ‘do not knock/disturb’ sign on your front door.

If they push by these two requests they are verging on stalking behaviour so it would warrant a very firm word, telling them they are asking too much from you and you don’t want to be harassed.

Just ignore them now. Pretend to be on your phone when you get out of the car and never answer your door to them. They’ll get the picture. If they don’t, ask the police to visit.

Your family deserves peace and you’re going to make that happen. 💪

Not sure if someone else might have mentioned this but a ring doorbell might be a good option. You can get them that offers different recording messages so when you see it's her you might want one that says asleep just to shift work if you want to be polite..... My message might not be

Do not let the word 'sorry' pass your lips. 'No I'm not a taxi' in an angry tone will leave no room for doubt.

You need to be prepared to say no to every request from now on; surely it would be preferable to fall out with them?

I agree that you must tell them it must stop; a letter is proof in case you need to take this further. Your actions are important - they must never gain from badgering you with repeat requests.