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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find this BBC 500 words story deeply unsettling?

181 replies

shockedmama23 · 08/03/2024 21:14

Cellmate by Olive C.

For twelve years, this has been happening. 624 weeks ago, Cellmate was first launched. Today was my call up. Nobody knows what it is, just that everyone who comes out is changed somehow. No one speaks about it. Whether because they can't or won't, I don't know. A two-year military programme. Compulsory. All fifteen-year-old boys.

That was me. Today.

I took the bus to C.O.H.P. Centre of Human Pride. "Where strong journeys begin", they say. 'We'll see about that,' I thought. My heart was flickering fast, palms sweating like the condensation on the bus window. In I went.

There were thousands of us. Lined up in neat rows of hundreds, numbered one to one ten-thousand. And there I stood, in the midst of it all, number 4579. Gradually, guards herded us each into tens of thousands of individual cells, stacked on top of one another. The door locked. I heard a curious chirp from behind me.

I whipped round, waddling over to the cradle in the back of the room. There, a small human-replica robot lay, curled into a tiny ball, making snuffling sounds. There was a little bubble around its mouth, and it opened its big eyes. The robot smiled, it was a child's smile, completely and utterly real. A speaker in the corner of the room announced: "You may now name your child." What?!!
Humans haven't fraternized with robots for decades. They have been at war for years. So, what kind of military programme was this?

I poked the tiny thing and contemplated for a moment what to name it. Hate pooled in my head. It took me only a second. In the floating bar above the robot's cradle, I typed with quick and sharp precision: Laila. My sister's name.
The name was accepted and the hovering bar disappeared.

I stared suspiciously down at "Laila" and settled her back down in her cot cautiously. I didn't want to set off any sort of alarm they might have put on her. Hastily turning away, I paced the small room. There was a twist to this for sure. I just had to find out what. I sat on the edge of the rickety bed in the corner. And she began to cry.

Over the next 24 months, I was kept in tight isolation with Laila, feeding her, raising her. First following orders from the speaker, but then because I began to love to. She started to call me "Dadda" and I marvelled how intricate and compassionate her coding was. She was kind and courageous, never doubted herself. She grew like any human child. She began to remind me of her namesake. The girl who lost her life to the robot army. Laila.

On that final day, the speaker clicked and that rough voice announced, "your order is to kill it." A carboard box was slipped through a crack in the metal door. I rushed over and opened it with frantically shaking fingers. Inside...
Was a knife.

Honestly, it reminds me of the hitler youth caring for and then killing dogs. Just overwhelmingly disturbing, and not physically possible to be written by a 9 yr old.

OP posts:
Bubblesdevire · 09/03/2024 14:26

Are any of them solely the work of the child? I doubt it. So many other parents wouldn’t be able to stop themselves ‘helping out’

BIossomtoes · 09/03/2024 14:38

Bubblesdevire · 09/03/2024 14:26

Are any of them solely the work of the child? I doubt it. So many other parents wouldn’t be able to stop themselves ‘helping out’

How would that work if they were written in class? I’d really hope the Scottish one didn’t receive any adult help because if they did they asked the wrong person

NotMyPage · 09/03/2024 15:14

The creepy story is captivating, the Gangsta one boring.

JaninaDuszejko · 09/03/2024 15:22

My youngest is a Y6 11 yo. He's obsessed with dark themes in stories, as are his two older sisters (14&16). I think children don't find these kind of dystopic themes as upsetting as adults. They identify with the hero of a story and they think of themselves as invincible, they don't understand the fragility of life. So a story like this is not as disturbing as it is to an adult.

TBH I'm mainly impressed that her writing style has not been destroyed by the training to the test that goes on in Y6 for the SATs. But have no problem believing a talented 11 year old could have written this. I look forward to reading her first novel in a few years!

TheCatOnMorrisseysHead · 09/03/2024 21:24

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/03/2024 00:54

This is such an odd thread. There's nothing in that that makes me even slightly teary let alone cry for 10 mins!

This.

THEDEACON · 10/03/2024 19:07

shockedmama23 · 08/03/2024 21:51

I am wondering the same. Not very common for children to have such sadistic thoughts/ideas, whether or not creative writing

Meanwhile in news from Gaza and Ukraine they see much worse while having tea

Gingernan · 10/03/2024 19:45

Ugh how horrible

sallyfox · 10/03/2024 20:14

ChatGPT can be engrossing

RichinVitaminR · 10/03/2024 21:00

I don’t think it’s that disturbing. I think a lot of 9 years olds see worse crap on the internet. Very well written for a 9 year old, may have had someone to proof read it for them but it is a piece of writing that they wanted to use to impress, so that’s understandable. Not impossible for a 9 year old to come up with though. There’s a lot of different literature used in the curriculum that could have inspired. As PPs have said, there are some films where similar things happen as well, e.g. The Kingsman.

Blouseybiggal · 10/03/2024 21:11

‘I have to say, I'm wondering if the 9 year old used GPT to write it in the first place.’

or the parents. It’s the parents. It’s always the parents unfortunately…

Blouseybiggal · 10/03/2024 21:13

I worked for an organisation and we ran a similar prize type thing which we ended after one year as it was bloody obvious that the entrants were a bunch of MC parents but the kids, trying to pad CVs and get their offspring ahead and feted etc.
A Shame but there you go.

CountessWindyBottom · 10/03/2024 21:36

newtothenet · 08/03/2024 21:55

It reminds me of the plot of "School for Good Mothers" by Jessamine Chan.

This is exactly what I was thinking too. It’s very VERY similar and it’s what I was reminded of as soon as I started reading it.

Iam4eels · 10/03/2024 21:41

EveSix · 09/03/2024 05:08

The writing is plausible for a 9 year old, given the constraints of the form.

It's the idea that's perhaps unusual, but it's really not too far-fetched.

The 500 word criteria imposes the need for control which is an objective for writing in KS2, and this writer has used fairly standard writing techniques, taught in any KS2 primary classroom, to craft a narrative which, over the course of some simple paragraphs, delivers the story arc quite neatly to a plot-twist conclusion.

OP, you seem invested in this being somehow off-the-scale weird. Do you read much primary age greater depth writing? If not, I find it quite mean-spirited to cast aspersions on the provenance of this piece.

I was going to post similar.

I work with KS2 children and this piece is not at all outside the realms of possibility for this age group.

When we do creative writing we get them to write a plan for their plot - opener, build up, problem, ending. Next lesson is for them to write the opener using that plan and to edit it. We encourage "up leveling" vocabulary using a thesaurus and dictionary, we also teach them to use an "adjective, adjective noun" format to help them get descriptive language in there. This process is repeated for the build up, the problem and the ending then they put it all together and edit it once more.

Children are more than capable of coming up with some very dark concepts and it doesn't mean they've been exposed to unsuitable material or that there is something wrong with them. Plenty of children articulate dark ideas in their imaginative play and stories, it's a normal stage of development and very common.

Posters saying that it would be highly unlikely a child produced this being really disrespectful to the real life child who did write it. She's obviously worked hard at it and it's pretty shitty that people are calling that into question.

Iam4eels · 10/03/2024 21:46

You can tell it's a child's work from the overuse of fronted adverbials, similes and expanded noun phrases - got to tick off those success criteria somehow.

WearyAuldWumman · 10/03/2024 21:49

shockedmama23 · 08/03/2024 21:32

Possibly. Who would show Kingsman to a 9 yr old though?

Umpteen parents, judging from my experience as a teacher.

I had parents who let their 11 yr olds read "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Platypuslover · 10/03/2024 22:11

Looking at the girls inspiration and other themes if she is a real girl she copies grown up tv shows clearly unsupervised access to whatever she wants. She is just a copy and paste nothing remotely original unfortunately.

Sageyboots · 10/03/2024 22:12

It gave me a squid games vibe.

inappropriateraspberry · 10/03/2024 22:40

The Scottish gangsta one is awful, I couldn't finish it. No grammar, bad spelling and just a stream of consciousness. What I read wasn't funny and seemed like something a younger child would say or write. At age 8 they should be able to use full stops, if nothing else!

Chrisaldridge · 10/03/2024 22:41

Iam4eels · 10/03/2024 21:41

I was going to post similar.

I work with KS2 children and this piece is not at all outside the realms of possibility for this age group.

When we do creative writing we get them to write a plan for their plot - opener, build up, problem, ending. Next lesson is for them to write the opener using that plan and to edit it. We encourage "up leveling" vocabulary using a thesaurus and dictionary, we also teach them to use an "adjective, adjective noun" format to help them get descriptive language in there. This process is repeated for the build up, the problem and the ending then they put it all together and edit it once more.

Children are more than capable of coming up with some very dark concepts and it doesn't mean they've been exposed to unsuitable material or that there is something wrong with them. Plenty of children articulate dark ideas in their imaginative play and stories, it's a normal stage of development and very common.

Posters saying that it would be highly unlikely a child produced this being really disrespectful to the real life child who did write it. She's obviously worked hard at it and it's pretty shitty that people are calling that into question.

yes, that’s how my ds worked on his story as that is how they do this in school. He was also helped by being able to type it out which meant that spelling and grammar were less of an issue and the structure/balance of the writing was visually obvious. His story was about his dog though and didn’t make the second round😆

SandyWaves · 10/03/2024 23:15

Has OP responded yet?

Hopefully she got over the fact her kid didn't win and decided to start a vile thread against the kid that did.

HorsesAreRunningOn3LegsTonight · 10/03/2024 23:24

Some children are very capable of writing at this level and depth - perhaps I feel 9 is a fraction young.
When I was teaching Yr 6 a good few years ago, I set them an essay “ The Day I Met ……..”. All but one of them picked either a pop star, footballer etc - that kind of thing.
But one very bright , intense girl wrote “ The Day I Met Death “
It really shook me - it was amazingly well written and there was no doubt she had written it , and without access to the Internet etc., it explored very deep issues, amazing and disconcerting fora 10 year old.
It is interesting that she suffered a number of mental health issues a few years later , at around 13 yrs old and her mother ( a really lovely woman that I knew quite well ) took her out of school and homeschooled her.
I lost contact with them , and have often wondered what became of her - she would be around 35 now.

ForLemonTiger · 10/03/2024 23:38

Wow! Some very mean-spirited adults on here. Do you really think it’s okay to discredit children’s achievements and make disparaging comments about them in a writing competition that is aimed at 5-11 year olds? Really sad.

Oh and for those making snide remarks about grammar, lack of paragraphs etc. the competition is about harnessing creativity - so these elements are not taken into account during the judging process.

Stories were critiqued on plot, characterisation, originality and enjoyment. This (quite rightly) opens up the competition to children of all abilities, including those with dyslexia or other difficulties.

Well done to all 50 finalists and the 6 winners. What an amazing achievement from over 44000 entries. You should all be extremely proud of yourselves.

stormy4319trevor · 11/03/2024 00:05

It's a great story and recognisable as a 9- 11 year old's work. Jane Gaskell wrote the novel 'Strange Evil' at 14, and that was certainly a weird and dark work of imagination, pre-internet and video games too.

sallyfox · 11/03/2024 00:13

Why are you posting something created by ChatGPT on Mumsnet?

sunshinestar1986 · 11/03/2024 05:01

Lool
So many kids grow up with crazy stuff these days
My 12 year old daughter is still scared of even light horror
However a friends 8 year old son plays so much roblox amd watches so much youtube
He seems like he's a teenager
And I thought maybe he doesn't understand
But oh no he understands everything
No wonder kids are growing up with no empathy