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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find this BBC 500 words story deeply unsettling?

181 replies

shockedmama23 · 08/03/2024 21:14

Cellmate by Olive C.

For twelve years, this has been happening. 624 weeks ago, Cellmate was first launched. Today was my call up. Nobody knows what it is, just that everyone who comes out is changed somehow. No one speaks about it. Whether because they can't or won't, I don't know. A two-year military programme. Compulsory. All fifteen-year-old boys.

That was me. Today.

I took the bus to C.O.H.P. Centre of Human Pride. "Where strong journeys begin", they say. 'We'll see about that,' I thought. My heart was flickering fast, palms sweating like the condensation on the bus window. In I went.

There were thousands of us. Lined up in neat rows of hundreds, numbered one to one ten-thousand. And there I stood, in the midst of it all, number 4579. Gradually, guards herded us each into tens of thousands of individual cells, stacked on top of one another. The door locked. I heard a curious chirp from behind me.

I whipped round, waddling over to the cradle in the back of the room. There, a small human-replica robot lay, curled into a tiny ball, making snuffling sounds. There was a little bubble around its mouth, and it opened its big eyes. The robot smiled, it was a child's smile, completely and utterly real. A speaker in the corner of the room announced: "You may now name your child." What?!!
Humans haven't fraternized with robots for decades. They have been at war for years. So, what kind of military programme was this?

I poked the tiny thing and contemplated for a moment what to name it. Hate pooled in my head. It took me only a second. In the floating bar above the robot's cradle, I typed with quick and sharp precision: Laila. My sister's name.
The name was accepted and the hovering bar disappeared.

I stared suspiciously down at "Laila" and settled her back down in her cot cautiously. I didn't want to set off any sort of alarm they might have put on her. Hastily turning away, I paced the small room. There was a twist to this for sure. I just had to find out what. I sat on the edge of the rickety bed in the corner. And she began to cry.

Over the next 24 months, I was kept in tight isolation with Laila, feeding her, raising her. First following orders from the speaker, but then because I began to love to. She started to call me "Dadda" and I marvelled how intricate and compassionate her coding was. She was kind and courageous, never doubted herself. She grew like any human child. She began to remind me of her namesake. The girl who lost her life to the robot army. Laila.

On that final day, the speaker clicked and that rough voice announced, "your order is to kill it." A carboard box was slipped through a crack in the metal door. I rushed over and opened it with frantically shaking fingers. Inside...
Was a knife.

Honestly, it reminds me of the hitler youth caring for and then killing dogs. Just overwhelmingly disturbing, and not physically possible to be written by a 9 yr old.

OP posts:
lifebeginsaftercoffee · 09/03/2024 07:01

It's well written but it's definitely written by a child. The plot is predictable and the language is fairly simple really.

pleasecallmeback · 09/03/2024 07:02

I was, and still am, a voracious reader, and I can certainly believe that a 9 year old wrote that story. I'm sure the child has other examples of short stories they have written to back up this winning entry. If the judges started accepting entries crafted by parents or older siblings, then the whole competition would become ridiculous.

User532 · 09/03/2024 07:04

Its the plot of kingsmen only with robots not dogs.

falalalalalalalallama · 09/03/2024 07:08

shockedmama23 · 08/03/2024 21:21

ChatGpt's opinion:

Yes, this story could be considered disturbing due to its exploration of themes such as forced military service, human-robot relations, and the emotional attachment that develops between the protagonist and the robot child named Laila.

Even robots are disturbed by what 9 year olds write nowadays...

Chat GPT doesn't have an opinion, it doesn't understand what it's writing.

It processes and then mimics human writing on topics based on an unimaginably large set of data.

It puts words together in similar ways to what humans have written before. It has no ability to actually understand the meaning of those words.

r0ck · 09/03/2024 07:14

Removed as I can’t see post anymore

BurntOrangeAutumn · 09/03/2024 07:18

WaitingfortheTardis · 09/03/2024 07:00

I dont think it is disturbing at all. I find it a little strange that you cried after reading it. It shows a good and adventurous imagination using a lot of the creative writing devices they will be learning at school. I reckon the writer is a Goosebumps fan though, it has that feel to it.

Same!

VestibuleVirgin · 09/03/2024 07:21

It's very sad that so many of you do not believe that a 9y-o could writ in such a way. Clearly the child reads widely and is able to express themselves.
But then again, watching how articulate the children of Gaza and Ukraine are compared to those you see on tv or on the streets here, I am not surprised. The bar for kids here seems so much lower than it was

NigelHarmansNewWife · 09/03/2024 07:22

How condescending to suggest this story hasn't been written by a child. This is an annual, national competition. Do you really think that the judges can't tell when the claimed writer isn't the actual writer? The child would have to be actor of the century to keep up the pretence they wrote the story if it wasn't actually them. Some kids are really bright and clever.

SandyWaves · 09/03/2024 07:27

OP, were you/your child involved in this competition by any chance?

I'm sensing sour grapes?

RedDuffle · 09/03/2024 07:27

I really don't think it would be that unusual for a child with high exposure to books and potential other media to have written this story.

Yes it's advanced for a 9yo but many advanced readers are reading adult fiction by that age, I was myself. I remember sitting outside the classroom reading Wuthering Heights aloud to one of the volunteer mum's when I was 10.

erinaceus · 09/03/2024 07:33

The Scottish Gangsta is proper talent. It reads to me as self-aware in the mode of crafted stand-up comedy, which is not all that usual in a child of that age.

The winning story is generic and a bit silly. I would not have given it first place.

Apolloneuro · 09/03/2024 07:38

It’s worth pointing out that the age category is 8-11. The writer could have been in year 7. The author was clearly a voracious reader.

The Gantsa story was painful to read due to lack of paragraphing.

ALunchbox · 09/03/2024 07:48

I can't find this year's submissions on the website but I read last year's and remember thinking some parents had definitely helped with the story.

Apolloneuro · 09/03/2024 07:49

SandyWaves · 09/03/2024 07:27

OP, were you/your child involved in this competition by any chance?

I'm sensing sour grapes?

I was thinking the same. If your child wrote the Gansta story, OP, teach them about paragraphs 🥴

MillicentBystander2022 · 09/03/2024 07:57

My grandad was in the marines and they had a training exercise where they were driven miles out somewhere and told to make their way back. They were each given a cute little rabbit to look after and had to kill it, skin it and eat it if they ran out of food. They were given minimal supplies, so eventually had to do it. ☹️

Maybe they heard a story from a relative or something.

Aviee · 09/03/2024 07:58

Crying for a good ten minutes is a huge overreaction.

I also thought the Scottish one was rubbish though so maybe I'm a harsh critic.

LizzieSiddal · 09/03/2024 07:58

I feel sorry for the 9 year old who wrote that.
They have been exposed to horror/graphic books/games/tv/ news reports which are not appropriate for their age. God knows why it was chosen as a winner.

MasterBeth · 09/03/2024 08:03

It's good but not that good. Technically competent but flawed. Emotionally childish.

I can absolutely believe a gifted nine year-old writer wrote this.

SoDoneIn · 09/03/2024 08:04

I think it’s brilliant. It’s a reflection of many social issues kids are seeing on the news regarding war, immigration and the fear of AI and by setting it in isolation it highlights the emotional effects these issues have on kids thinking. I think it’s quite mature writing for a 9 year old but my eldest wrote complex material at that age too so I’m not surprised. Kid has a bright horror /sci fi writer future ahead of them

Lokipokey1 · 09/03/2024 08:06

I loved the Redwall books at about this age and the first one I read opens with a description of the main character dragging her bloody, injured body out from under the corpses of her family and crawling down a creek into a cave and passing out. Considered fine for a child because it was an otter not human. I could definitely see 9 yo me having the concept if not the vocab/discipline to keep on story at that age!

StringTheory1 · 09/03/2024 08:12

shockedmama23 · 08/03/2024 21:51

I am wondering the same. Not very common for children to have such sadistic thoughts/ideas, whether or not creative writing

I did as a 9yr old! I read voraciously, and enjoyed the darker characters in books & film. My imagination was rampant, and I loved studying the plague / witch trials etc. I think a lot of kids go through this phase, and we underestimate them as we tend to think of kids as entirely innocent / benevolent.

My best friend and I used to invent machines for making pies out of humans, and draw diagrams of them, before writing the advertising blurb for the human mince they produced! 🙈 🥴

I hasten to add - I was from a very good,
caring home, and went on to enter the caring professions! I just think if kids have fervent imaginations and an appreciation of the darker / more ‘exciting’ parts of history,
you get dystopian work like this short story!

Begaydocrime94 · 09/03/2024 08:12

I think it’s cool af it has dystopian vibes! It probably won as it shows awareness of the issue of the growth of AI. It’s definitely a child’s story though I mean my 7 year old plays among us so they should have awareness of death and even violence at age 9 id think x

ClawdeenWolf · 09/03/2024 08:19

SandyWaves · 09/03/2024 07:27

OP, were you/your child involved in this competition by any chance?

I'm sensing sour grapes?

I got the same vibe. I can't see that it absolutely couldn't have been written by a child. I certainly didn't cry for 10 minutes after reading it, either.

NashvilleQueen · 09/03/2024 08:19

I think it reads like it was written by a bright 9 yr old with a vivid imagination.

I am reminded of this article about Shane MacGowan who won a similar sort of prize aged 13 for a story which was, feom memory, about Irish men drinking meths on a park! Admittedly he was older than this child but he also cites Joyce as his favourite writer. I'd think precocious in almost anyone else but he spent the rest of his life turning poetic lyrics so I think it's probably true. Many children have a flair for and confidence in writing and i wouldn't be worried in the slightest.