My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

OP don’t stress about the credit card. You’ll get it paid off now you’re back working again. I remember that time during and after mat leave. It’s hard financially. It does take a while to get back on your feet.

Sorry OP but he sounds financially responsible, you don’t. Secrecy from him about your financial situation is not good. He has a right to protect himself from any consequences of you getting into serious debt. Accept the offer, he’s better with money than you are.

Oh that's right. Just ignore the controlling and snooping boyfriend, who really is a fault here.

I think PPs are confusing lots of things. I would say he’s more financially astute and what he thinks re: interest on a CC debt is correct BUT he can advise OP but should not be snooping, forcing her hand as he is.

OP finances is a huge thing in a relationship and I think you guys are not compatible. What he’s trying to do for you isn’t wrong, it’s the way he’s going about it by snooping which is wrong.

I think you need to have an open conversation with him about it all, can you both reach a plan as to how you’ll manage finances going forward. Bearing in mind you have a child now?

I'd rather struggle that be dependent on a man.
Especially one that pretends to help, let's a woman on maternity leave struggle and snoops through her things.

Which female posters do on Mumsnet all the time to their cheerleaders (take screenshots, rummage through drawers when he's asleep etc). Or a DP/H being secretive about finances being a reason to Run for the Hills and/or invite further snooping. I love Mumsnet

How come on another thread (https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5024249-to-be-terrified-about-our-financial-situation) £300 is a very healthy amount to have for personal spending each month but in this one it’s financial abuse?

I don't think we should be judging the OP on her fianancial choices. She isn't off the rails and has a plan to pay it off. It is her decision about her own money.

I speak from experience, this is not help from the partner, it is financial control. It starts like just like this, snooping to find out what's going on with the partner's finances, then innocuously offering "help", then gradually throw it back at the partner "well, you see how you couldn't handle it on your own" and "just trust me, I know better" - to - "you've shown you can't be trusted with money". It is a very slippery slope.

The red flag is snooping for the information rather than ask the OP directly. I can't believe so many posters here seem to only focus on OPs finances than see what the partner's behaviour for what it is.

This doesn’t sound very fair. Myself & OH arranged it so that we both had the same amount leftover each month.

the credit card thing makes sense. Your interest rate is probably ridiculous (it’s the most expensive way to borrow money) and you should grab his money with two hands and pay off your card. Or move your card to a 0% interest card while you are paying it off.

but it sounds like you have a lot of talking to do to make your finances fairer.

Why have you kept the credit card secret from him? I can kind of understand him snooping so he could find out the level of your deceit.

He's doing you a favour getting it paid off and avoiding interest, I would gladly take up that offer.

Until you can become more financially savvy, if you can, ditch the credit card and live within your means.
Hopefully your boyfriend can help keep you on the straight and narrow financially as it seems he has his head screwed on.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it

Part of saving money is not spending it unnecessarily, eg on interest and missed payment charges. (Not to mention the interest on the missed payment charges!).

He seems to be financially canny, and you appear not to be. It is much better to clear debt then save, as paying interest and debt repayments reduces the amount you can save, so YABU unreasonable to be pissed off about it.

However, if he went snooping through your paperwork to check on what you were doing with your money, that is unreasonable, and YANBU to be annoyed. And I agree it's a bit controlling.

Having different attitudes to money, especially spending v saving, is a huge source of conflict in relationships and one that's hard to resolve. The spender resents attempts to restrict their spending and the saver gets frustrated by what they see as the spender's irresponsibility. The spender feels restricted and the saver feels undermined.

What has worked for some couples I've known is to have most stuff joint but an amount of "fritter money" each for fun spending, and stick to it. If you can't find a way of making your different attitudes to spending work, then I'm afraid your relationship is doomed.

He is financially controlling her. And to the point of snooping through her private papers and reading her mail. I’m all for being fiscally responsible but a 1k debt on a credit card that’s being managed and paid down isn’t the end of the world. And the withdrawal of the £500 to pay OP’s car insurance, with no discussion is also very concerning.

it sounds to me as though he is afraid of debt - not a bad thing, but unless the OP is financially irresponsible and it’s affecting him, he has no right to try to take away her agency over her own finances. It’s indicative of a wider problem.

Quite!

Yes! This is one of my favourite things about Mumsnet that simultaneously makes me chuckle and roll my eyes

Book in to see a financial advisor. Lay all your financial cards on the table. No secrets. You are bringing up a child together and sharing a family. Do not work hard and stay financially ignorant.

Take the advice on how to become as financially successful as you can. How to meet your goals of home ownership, or holidays or private school education or whatever it is that you are both aiming for.

An advisor might suggest paying everything off monthly; might suggest BF does loan you some money; might suggest he puts the same money into shares. ..investigate options.

Sometimes Banks offer no fee advice sessions.

@Rosscameasdoody it sounds to me as though he is afraid of debt - not a bad thing, but unless the OP is financially irresponsible and it’s affecting him, he has no right to try to take away her agency over her own finances.

It's quite clear that op IS financially irresponsible though... To the tune of hundreds of pounds worth of interest payments, unaffordable purchases for Christmas, late payments which will incur fees as well as damage her credit score. Assuming they have any joint finances, op's financial irresponsibility IS having an impact on him and he has every right to expect transparency and open discussion about managing this debt going forward.

He's trying to be your partner.
Either you want a partner or not.

YABU and it sounds as though there’s something strange in your relationship regarding money. You have a baby with this man yet won’t share a single detail of your finances with him. Even when he offers to pay off the credit card and you pay him back interest free, that’s still not good enough??

You also mention savings accounts, is there enough in there to pay off in full? Martin Lewis always says that there’s no use having savings if the interest rate on them is less than you’re being charged on your credit card 🤷‍♀️

To me, there’s a few options:

1. Be more open with your boyfriend, it seems like you’re just housemates at the moment
2. Take him up on the offer of paying off the credit card!
3. If you don’t want to be open, I would still take him up on the offer of the loan but have a conversation about financial boundaries and what’s OK to you.

or

Dump him and live independently 🤷‍♀️

To be honest I'm on the fence about this one, I can understand how you feel OP as he has snooped but I have been in he position where a partner had debt he didn't tell me about and we had a joint account. I do feel that we need to be able to be financially honest with the people we live with. If you miss payments (as I have too) it does impact. I worry and always pay in full or do without. It comes from having financially astute parents who worked and saves before anything was bought. Debt of any type other than a mortgage really makes me feel anxious! I suppose it really is the way in which he generally presents himself that you need to consider. It's difficult to know without seeing the situation in real life.

I agree with his way of managing money- your approach would make me very uncomfortable. But I agree with you that his controlling behaviour towards you isn’t ok, and it’s more important that you have complete control of your own money than anything else. It’s really important to be on the same page about money in a relationship, and you clearly aren’t. I’d see that as a red flag, and his attempts to control and infantilise you even more so.

What he did is wrong, but if I found out my partner secretly had debt I'd be fuming

@mydrivingisterrible I think there's a difference between fuming, and trying to take control of the partner's finances, and paying off bills with her money without consulting her. It will not end there. This is such a controlling situation that I am amazed that so many don't see it. Those who have been financially controlled will spot the signs right away.

The red flag for me re possible financially controlling behaviour is that instead of paying his fair share towards bills as a percentage of your different incomes, or stepping up while you were on maternity leave with his child, he wants to lend you money which must then be paid back and lecturing you on supposed financial irresponsibility while having a far more irresponsible attitude himself.

You should be concerned where this is heading.

Too late now, but perhaps a discussion was needed about her BF expecting the same financial contribution from her while she was on maternity leave, having their child. And if he earns more why is he expecting a 50/50 contribution ? Why does he ‘claim’ any leftover money after outgoings as his own ?

I would suggest that these are among the reasons for her having a secret credit card. Maybe she’s finding it difficult to make ends meet and it doesn’t sound as though he’s very approachable if his solution to her financial commitments is to pay them for her and have her pay him back. The £500 extra she earned is a prime example. He used it to pay her car insurance in full, taking away any control from her as to how to spend money she earned, while he simultaneously felt entitled to ‘claim’ any money left over after joint financial outgoings. So it’s to his advantage to eliminate the monthly direct debit for her car insurance - more for him to ‘claim’ at the end of the month. It doesn’t sound as though there’s much discussion or mutual agreement and I think he has to take some responsibility because if he’s not approachable he’s courting deceit.

Snooping through a partners’ finances is unacceptable. As is opening a secret credit card account to meet your needs because you’re overstretched and feel unable to talk to your partner without him infantilising you. They’re both at fault.

Why didn’t you pay the £500 extra you weren’t expecting towards the credit card debt? That would have cleared half of it if it was a £1k maxed out card