Not to pander to his tiredness / jet lag

[FizzyStream]

I'm preparing to be flamed here. DH is due home in an hour. He's been in Las Vegas for work. Left on Monday morning.

He's been going on and on about the time difference and how tired he is. I get it. It's 8 hours behind and a lot of travelling.

Meanwhile I've been at home with two primary age kids getting on with usual daily life, work, housework etc.

Am I really being unreasonable to expect a bit of recognition that I might also be tired and not to give any time to his "poor me"'routine. He's already said he'll be "not much use" and "shattered" all weekend which I'm sure he will be. I know jet lag can be horrendous particularly from east to west.

I'm just not looking forward to the Dressing Gown of Doom coming out all weekend when essentially he's not had to do much but sit in a plane for ages, go out for nice meals and sit in a couple of conferences.

It doesn't help that we've got FIL staying this weekend. He arrived this afternoon and has been saying things like "you'll need to be aware how tired he'll be" and "he'll need a lot of rest this weekend".

Usually the best thing to get over jet lag quickly is to keep busy in the daylight and be outside. He might crash and have to sleep from about 6 pm . could you hide his dressing gown and give him garden jobs?

Jet lag is more significant than "a bit tired".

Yep, and there are those who complain about being jet lagged having flown back to the UK from their holiday in the Med.....

Time zone crossing effects everybody in different ways...8 hours eastbound, overnight shouldn't be too bad if it' possible to sleep on the aircraft but some people really really can't do that. Even with sleep onboard the body clock screwed for a few days but you have to try and push through that nasty.

I know when I did this sort of thing very regularly the day of arrival was a write off, tried to get back to normal on day two after possibly a lie in.

Having been to Vegas for several work trips myself, I don't doubt he'll be knackard...But I imagine the jetlag will play a very small part! An 8 hour time difference really not much in the scheme of jetlag either.

Business trips to Vegas usually entail a lot of socialising ( and some 24 hour partying in the Media/Advertising/Creative industries that I work in) - thst's part of the point of companies holding them in Vegas, so it hard to feel that sorry for him. I imagine even in a duller industry people make the most of their surroundings in their time not working.

EDIT: Spelling

Unless there is a way bigger back story, YABU.

Seems to be a bit of drama going on onboth sides here!

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit

I know on mumsnet everyone despises competitive tiredness but when I was at my worst with insomnia and I was having hallucinations I could still walk around and feed myself

I think you win the Mumsnet competition for tiredness with that. One of my family memebers experienced similar insomnia for a period of about 6 months. Luckily he got great care by his doctors and came out of it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Do you work op?

YABVU

jet lag tiredness, particularly with that direction of direction of travel, is horrendous.

It’s not about pandering to it so much as being kind and thoughtful and acknowledging it. Perhaps him and FIL keep mentioning it because they don’t think you will be suitably sympathetic.

be proactive in asking your FIL to help with the children.

Yes I work full time

Taking on board all the points about jet lag. Like I said, I have no experience of it so I appreciate he is knackered. I didn't want it to become a competition but his constant harping on about it made it become so in my mind whilst he was away.

I guess there is background frustration on my part that I'm always the default parent and I do find it exhausting. As mentioned previously DS2 has adhd and so do I which also adds a little chaos to regular day to day stuff.

To be fair to him he has got up this morning and gone with FIL to the footy with DS1.

It was comments like this that got me annoyed before he got back and the shenanigans with the kids last night.

I think we're more on an even kilter now. I've had some sleep and so has he. I went in my son's room so he had our bed to himself. I'm not a compete bitch. I just wanted some acknowledgment that it's not been a picnic for me all week either but never mind.

@SweetDreamsAreMadeOf

Socialising might be a factor but...

An 8 hour time difference really not much in the scheme of jetlag either.

TBF neither is it negligible, especially if an individual has had enough time to be acclimatised to LV local before returning to the UK.

For info flight crew duty rules often place restrictions on crew flying again in the day or two after operating something like a LV-UK due to the shift in time zones, so the sleep scientists that frame those rules consider there is an effect on performance, though also TBF those rules don't stop people doing their laundry, house work etc....

Then yanbu. My dh used to travel a lot, a lot, for work. Often to Australia. I worked too and had dc. When he came home I always told him to go and rest/sleep for a while but he always said no and that it was better to just power through. Then made himself a huge coffee.

I am terrible with jetlag myself and just fall asleep..can’t just go to sleep on the plane just because I know I should.

Well I think you're both being a bit dramatic tbh. It's not really tiring being on your own for a week with primary school kids is it? (I do it months at a time) unless you're going to drip feed something to make it harder. But yes banging on about how tired he'll be constantly would be annoying too, he needs to go to bed at a normal time and set an alarm in the morning, I think you both just need to get over it and crack on!

"the sleep scientists that frame those rules consider there is an effect on performance, though also TBF those rules don't stop people doing their laundry, house work etc...."

But they might stop people falling out of the sky, which is riskier in the scheme of things.

Jetlag isn't something he has made up.
It exists and is worse going flying East.

He has also been abroad for work for a week. Typically, meeting after meeting and it's genuinely draining. Often it also involves going out in the evening for dinner or drinks too, yes that's the enjoyable part but there typically is less down time so it can be draining enough without the jetlag.

There are jetlag calculators online so of you genuinely think he's taking the piss, you can check how long the typical impact it.

The sugar/sweets at bedtime I'd stupid though. Depenfing on age next time, get him to bring home new books that they can read in bed and leave the sweets for the following day.

Oh god OP my blood pressure is soaring just reading your posts. My DH does a similar trip once a year, at a busy work time for me, we have two young DC. I hate hate hate that week, and because I don't travel for work he never has to do a week solo.

He gets exactly zero sympathy for his jet lag, which he's always been shit at managing (pre kids I'd stay up and fight through to bedtime, he'd sleep all afternoon and wonder why I adjusted quicker ). Fortunately he doesn't expect it, but if he tried to pull on the Dressing Gown Of Doom over jetlag he'd be told in no uncertain terms that if you're going to go on an all expenses paid trip to HAWAII (!!!) and leave your wife to carry the can at home, then a rough day with jetlag will be the price you pay.

Zero allowances today OP, he's had a full night's sleep, he's a big boy.

Not arguing with that at all…just slightly surprised at the idea of an eight hour shift perhaps so small as to be be not significant.

Out if interests sake and if I recall the rules correctly anything more than a two or three hour time zone crossing was considered significant by some aviation authorities.

Yes but as every woman with a non-sleeping baby knows, being tired doesn't get you out of parenting.

He’s up and he’s out with a child- and it’s not even 9.30! I would say that’s a pretty good result. I thought he would be in bed until lunch.

These threads are combative because so many people on MN basically seem to hate their husbands. Hence a lot of the hostile (and some borderline abusive) responses, and the "dressing gown of doom" trope. These threads make me so glad to be in a relationship where for either of us being ill or jetlagged or knackered is something we get sympathy for. DP looks after me in those situations and I look after him. It's OK not to "power through" if you don't feel up to it.

The other thing with being jetlagged is that if you've only gone away for a week, you've spent that week being jetlagged while also having to be "on" for work, and yes this includes the superficially fun stuff like meals out. I once had to endure a work dinner in LA where I had to keep going to the loo to splash cold water on my face because I was so jetlagged. The company was horrendous too. So anyway, you've been jetlagged for a week and just as your body has started to adjust you have to do it in reverse.

Though it seems all of this was for nothing anyway as the OP's husband is indeed cracking on with things.

Unsure why you didn't enforce a "no sugary treats the minute you come back" rule in advance though.

Jetlag is absolutely awful and it's not case if just going to bed and catching up !Can be hard to sleep if over tired .
He has been on a work trip not a holiday, earning money for family.
Both kids primary age so I fail to see why you are so exhausted. How do single parents manage? They just get on with it , without the comfort of knowing its just for a few days .
It sounds as if he has got up and gone out with the kids . FIL sounds great .You are very lucky.

Imagine if the boot was on the other foot and it was the DH who was berating his wife for having the temerity to have jetlag after a long haul flight from a different time zone. It would be wall to wall LTB, of course 😉

FIL is here to take eldest to his footy match tomorrow because youngest (with adhd I might add) has a birthday party which I'll be taking him to and of course DH will be "too tried" to take eldest to football.

Seriously? That actually made me laugh. I'd struggle to take this man seriously. Or find him attractive in any way whatsoever.

Edit: To be fair to him he has got up this morning and gone with FIL to the footy with DS1.

Good. I should have read the thread.