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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pander to his tiredness / jet lag

141 replies

FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 20:30

I'm preparing to be flamed here. DH is due home in an hour. He's been in Las Vegas for work. Left on Monday morning.

He's been going on and on about the time difference and how tired he is. I get it. It's 8 hours behind and a lot of travelling.

Meanwhile I've been at home with two primary age kids getting on with usual daily life, work, housework etc.

Am I really being unreasonable to expect a bit of recognition that I might also be tired and not to give any time to his "poor me"'routine. He's already said he'll be "not much use" and "shattered" all weekend which I'm sure he will be. I know jet lag can be horrendous particularly from east to west.

I'm just not looking forward to the Dressing Gown of Doom coming out all weekend when essentially he's not had to do much but sit in a plane for ages, go out for nice meals and sit in a couple of conferences.

It doesn't help that we've got FIL staying this weekend. He arrived this afternoon and has been saying things like "you'll need to be aware how tired he'll be" and "he'll need a lot of rest this weekend".

OP posts:
5YearsLeft · 08/03/2024 21:32

You know the best cure for jet lag? Watching the sunrise in the proper time zone and drinking a Red Bull (no joke, the company was founded because the Austrian co-founder tried the original drink made by the Thai co-founder and said it cured his jet lag completely).

Of course YANBU. Ask yourself: if your husband had to go from Las Vegas back to London, then go on an all-expenses-paid, five-star-luxury stag weekend or some horseshit, would he be saying he was too shattered and he needed his dressing gown of doom? Like hell, he would. But since it’s NOT eight hours east for a vacation, it’s eight hours east to come home and take some responsibility for his children and the household as a parent, he’s going to be absolutely destroyed, poor thing.

In these situations, always ask yourself: would they be as tired if there was something they WANTED to do, and would I be allowed to put on the dressing gown of doom if I were that tired… or OP, are you ALREADY that tired and yet still being told you have to pander to this shite?

CraftyTaupeOtter · 08/03/2024 21:33

My DH is a very seasoned long haul work traveler. He has learned it is best to get right back into the normal routine when he gets home. That helps him adjust back to the regular time zone much faster. Sure, we might have an early night for a couple of days as he is jet lagged, but that doesn't last long.

Original poster
FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 21:37

CantFindTheBeat · 08/03/2024 21:31

What's he like normally, OP?

I travel a lot for work, and did a fair bit when the kids were primary.

I definitely pulled my weight in general, so when I was jet lagged , DH didn't mind letting me sleep,

Is your DH usually a hands on person?

He is usually very hands on however he can also be a drama queen and tends to over exaggerate illness and tiredness like this and just not acknowledge it if I'm feeling ill or tired. I'm just meant to get on with it. Like my mum would say "a typical man" but that's a cop out there is no need for them to behave like that!

He's come in fed them both a mountain of highly coloured sweets and sat down with a cuppa chatting to his dad about how he was "dragged to a club" by the MD of the business. Poor him. Apparently I'm now meant to scrape the kids off the ceiling and get them to sleep. The one with adhd is especially wired. Hooray.

I'm venting on here because I don't want to cause an argument by being arsey now, however I won't be indulging any wallowing past tomorrow though!!

OP posts:
Aviee · 08/03/2024 21:40

If it was with work did he fly business?

Totally swinging the lead if so.

CharmedCult · 08/03/2024 21:40

Apparently I'm now meant to scrape the kids off the ceiling and get them to sleep. The one with adhd is especially wired. Hooray

Nope. Fuck that.

”DH I’ll let you do bedtime seeing as you haven’t seen the kids all week. I’m off upstairs for a bath and then straight to bed. Goodnight everyone”.

Original poster
FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 21:42

Aviee · 08/03/2024 21:40

If it was with work did he fly business?

Totally swinging the lead if so.

Premium economy. I believe it's not much different to normal economy; just a bit more room.

OP posts:
Original poster
FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 21:46

FFS it's really not helping having FIL here.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/03/2024 21:54

Premium economy is very nice!!

I didn't sleep at all one my flights/journey back. I just went to bed early for about a week so 9/10pm rather than asleep around midnight.

biscuitcat · 08/03/2024 21:57

Oh how tedious of him! DH is a pilot so he's away for a couple of days and then jet lagged at home pretty much every week - he has a nap for a few hours when he gets home then powers through and I hear no more about it, beyond us having an early night together as I'm also tired from the kids. He's being selfish and self indulgent - and you're a saint having FIL there, I'd hate having in laws staying without DH.

No advice as I'd probably be so irritated in that situation that I'd look for an argument which is totally unproductive - but feeling your pain!

Original poster
FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 22:01

No advice as I'd probably be so irritated in that situation that I'd look for an argument which is totally unproductive - but feeling your pain!

This is my problem I'm feeling pissed off and hormonal so trying to keep my cool but it's really hard!

Tried to prise him away from his cuppa and chat with FIL to give me a hand with the kids and FIL followed us upstairs to continue talking to him about his trip! He's here all weekend! He can ask him how much taxis cost tomorrow FFS.

OP posts:
Original poster
FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 22:01

Bold fail on last post sorry meant to quote pp

OP posts:
Boutonnière · 08/03/2024 22:02

My DH travelled a lot, long haul, for work and jet lag just became a normal part of life for us- before the DC I had also flown to the States a lot for work and knew the horrible feeling of your brain shutting down and feeling as if you were floating whilst also having to have a coherent, professional conversation. It’s a really unpleasant sensation.
We’ve also got family on the other side of the world so holidays too often ivolved lidt days at the beginning and end.

We have both tried all kinds of regimes to get mitigate it, including the off quoted ‘get back into the normal time zone routine asap’ , which is usually a practical necessity anyway , but came to the conclusion that getting as much sleep as possible was actually the most effective. Plus not drinking alcohol on the plane and drinking plenty of water.

He never drooped around or made a big drama about it, and did whatever he could to play his fair share of family life. Having travelled on business myself I also knew that any glamour wears off pretty quickly and you find yourself longing for your own bed and simple food. ( My DH still jokes that I judge 5* hotels by their ability to produce acceptable poached eggs on toast)

I’m guessing that this isn’t a routine part of your DH’s working pattern and he’ll calm down about it next time, if there is one, and so will you.

Maray1967 · 08/03/2024 22:04

Bloody hell, I would have hit the roof by now. You have the patience of a saint.

I would make it clear that jet lag is not illness and I’ve been with them all week and I’m tired. I’d head off to bed and leave them to it.

PianPianPiano · 08/03/2024 22:04

He's being ridiculous. I'm back home today after a trip with a similar time difference (and an overnight flight where I got no sleep at all). Yes, I'm tired. I've managed not to moan about it, had a few hours sleep when I got home and then put the shopping away when it was delivered, been to the shops to pick up a few bits, sorted our dinner out and done the kids' bedtime because I know dh has been doing it all week. I expect to function as normal tomorrow, albeit probably running on less sleep.

madeinmanc · 08/03/2024 22:11

I use liquid melatonin for jetlag, only a small dose. I found out about the smaller dose either on here or Reddit, apparently the tablets give you a whopping great big dose but research has shown a much smaller dose to be better.

Original poster
FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 22:13

He's just gone to have a shower and there'a no hot water because the dishwasher and washing machine have been running and I dared to have a bath before he got back and didn't override the timer.

He's also doing a lot of exaggerated sniffing so I envisage a cold life threatening illness coming into play as well.

Urgh. I give up. The kids are off their heads on sugar so I'm just going to bed and pretending I can't hear them giggling. At these they aren't at school tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 22:13

madeinmanc · 08/03/2024 22:11

I use liquid melatonin for jetlag, only a small dose. I found out about the smaller dose either on here or Reddit, apparently the tablets give you a whopping great big dose but research has shown a much smaller dose to be better.

Luckily I told him to pick some melatonin up and he did so I'll be enforcing that!

OP posts:
madeinmanc · 08/03/2024 22:16

If he's back now shouldn't he have already taken his first dose to feel sleepy for bedtime tonight?

https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/melatonin/how-and-when-to-take-melatonin/#:~:text=For%20treatment%20of%20jet%20lag%20in%20adults&text=When%20you%20arrive%20at%20your,6mg)%20if%20you%20need%20to.

I took .5 so wayyyyy less than they describe 😕

BTW I wouldn't drive, personally, after taking melatonin. It's also not suitable for diabetics and some other people.

Original poster
FizzyStream · 08/03/2024 22:20

madeinmanc · 08/03/2024 22:16

If he's back now shouldn't he have already taken his first dose to feel sleepy for bedtime tonight?

https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/melatonin/how-and-when-to-take-melatonin/#:~:text=For%20treatment%20of%20jet%20lag%20in%20adults&text=When%20you%20arrive%20at%20your,6mg)%20if%20you%20need%20to.

I took .5 so wayyyyy less than they describe 😕

BTW I wouldn't drive, personally, after taking melatonin. It's also not suitable for diabetics and some other people.

Edited

Yes just got him to take it.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 08/03/2024 22:24

I have the worst jet lag because I can't sleep on a plane or in a car. One 11 hour flight was hell got home at 6am kids up two hours later. I just zombied through the day. Doing washing, etc.

My son used to take 48 hours to get home, ship to shore 200 miles, then 3 flights. He was tired and quiet for a couple of days I recall.

Noseybookworm · 08/03/2024 22:35

I would give him one day's grace to slop around in his dressing gown (Saturday) and then tell him he's in charge Sunday as you've also had a long week and you're tired too! Take yourself off on Sunday with a book and find a nice café and treat yourself 😊

Shooooo · 08/03/2024 22:38

To be a bit sympathetic to him, my jet lag when flying back from the US was horrendous.

Phillippeflop · 08/03/2024 22:45

Don’t let him check out of Mother’s Day on Sunday! Drop the little hints about being super excited for your lie in after such a stressful week on your own. And just don’t get out of bed. Make it clear he has to contribute. I’ve been to america a few times. Yes jet lag is hard but you can still do things. You just have to power through and not sleep when it’s not bedtime otherwise you’ll take longer to get back into routine.

ilovetomatoes · 08/03/2024 22:52

My husband just got back from2 weeks away in Asia. He is so tired and ill with a cold but managed to drop on me this morning that he “forgot” about an arrangement he made to go out tonight. Then he’ll be travelling again the week after next.

i used to travel extensively in my job so I know the drill. Yes it is tiring but if he was really bothered he would take it easy the last day or two, not drink on the plane and get some rest. Jet lag much easier to deal with that way.

YANBU

ACuriousHare · 08/03/2024 22:55

Tell him that, since you're both tired and "not much use" this weekend, it would be best to take the batteries out of the kids. You can reboot them on Monday but for now they can stay in the drawer while you both have a weekend off from family life.