To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

I’d hate anyone cleaning/rooting or otherwise messing with my stuff!

So I wouldn’t allow her in unguarded and her lovely son can be the guard or they can all live happily ever after - in MIL’s house.

It's simple.
When mil pays your mortgage she gets a say!

I would go to her house and rearrange every bloody thing and see if she gets the point. I would also tell her if she rearranges things again she will Not be welcome in house. Change locks if you have to. The nerve of her!

I'd ignore all messages. And I'd make it very clear to DH that if she ever crossed my doorstep again without being constantly shadowed by him that I was leaving.

I would go very LC with her.

I might start another post on the dog 😂but it mostly boils down to her following the dog everywhere and touching him all the time, the dog being weirded out and avoiding her, and her then feeding the dog mountains of meat and snacks to make him like her. Which ended in hourly trips to the garden in the night (for us and the dog).

She'd be banned from my house. I honestly wouldn't allow her to cross the threshold.

I agree - she has to know that she's not allowed inside your house without one of you being there. She has no respect for you or your husband because she totally ignores everything you say. You owe her nothing in return. She's lucky you both speak to her at all.

I would be furious.

i don’t know the best way to approach it but I’d probably text back something like “I am upset. We have asked you many times not to tidy or move things in our home. When that is ignored it oversteps a boundary and shows a total disregard for our feelings and happiness. You know this. You are asking now if I am angry. Yes, and it should have been expected, because you have done something purposefully that you know we are uncomfortable with, and makes us feel this discomfort in our own home. I don’t know the best way to move forward from this, as it is very hurtful to have our wishes ignored, when we have made our stance very clear many times.” And id leave it at that and refuse to engage in any histrionics she tries to pull. It’s so fucking disrespectful and rude! I wouldn’t be having her round again if she couldn’t respect my space and wishes. And it’s her own bloody fault, so crying, whatever, don’t care, and the flying monkeys could fuck right off!

Omg, now I'm scared. She's been complaining that our walls are too white 😂

Tell dh to ask her if she needs to see her GP as she seems to be having problems with her memory..
I remember dh physically manhandling fil out of our house after repeatedly wrapping a small dc up to the point he was dripping sweat and dangerously overheating.. Fil was adamant he was cold and he was entitled to look after his dgs the way he wanted..

this is the only solution

and don't forget to mow her flower beds

Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it.

If anyone other than your MIL did that you'd contact the police. Because what she did was illegal.

I agree with all the 'just ignore' responses. Get your DH to tell his Mum in writing that she can't come to your house again because of her behaviour and asking for your keys back. Always see them at their house or in a public place. Maybe change the locks. She has shown repeatedly she can't be trusted so it has to end now. If the brothers say anything just tell them she's lucky you didn't call the police. In fact maybe you should speak to Citizens Advice or something to find out how to escalate this legally to stop her coming to the house.

Don't go on holiday!!!
It will give her time to sort out your overly white walls 😂😂

So FIL came over to help/advise with the garage roof, and MIL tifmdied abd cleaned your house.
What a pair of selfish bastards!

Start a patio. Leave a hole approximately her size for months....

I agree. I’m not far off her age either and wouldn’t dream of doing things someone had explicitly asked me not to do in their house, ruining their clothes with the iron or putting a photo of myself in front of one of their parents that they had on display. (I’m reeling at that one, it’s so obviously a power play and nothing to do with either habits or wanting to help).
I am absolutely not “stuck in my ways” ffs, neither is my husband, and I am always learning new things.
It’s not only on MN that you see the view of people in their 60s as being aged, cognitively failing, set in their ways or plain batshit, but it’s depressingly common here.

Can't you assign her a job you don't mind her doing l, to keep her occupied?

That's already been discussed.

She won't so assigned jobs and feigns backache.

She's only interested in interfering and demeaning the op.

Yep, this. Pretend she doesn't exist - and as she doesn't exist she will never set foot in your house again, or take up any room in your head.

Those saying you wouldn’t mind and your own mum does some tidying, you can’t understand when your own parents are vaguely normal, what it’s like when someone is so manipulative.

My MIL kept insisting she would do my laundry whilst we were there for a few days. I said there was no need, it wasn’t a long trip. I came back to her house to find my pants, bras and (clean thank god) reusable sanitary pads flapping in the breeze on her washing line.

She had been through my suitcase and as she couldn’t distinguish dirty from clean, had washed every underwear item she could find in the case. So she had unzipped it, taken all the clean stuff from the main area and all the dirty stuff from a zipped pocket on the front.

When I expressed a tiny fraction of how unhappy I was, she started sobbing and FIL laid into me for being ungrateful. I mean WTF??? Her go to when she wants to interfere is to cry and call us ungrateful. And the whole family indulged it until I turned up. I tolerate a lot for peace but I have drawn some very hard lines on other things, DH drawing them for or with me most of the time, poor man.

I was a married woman in my 30s at this point and I am not known for taking rubbish like this. This was not my first rodeo with MIL behaving disrespectfully.

Op, I am with you. Your mistake was not drawing a hard line after the flower incident. Knowingly doing that is incredibly nasty behaviour.

I will happily rant with you for hours on the nonsense we’ve endured and the hysterics when we’ve stood up to her. She doesn’t do much anymore though….she knows I mean business….and before you lay into me, I’m still kind, do admin for them, do house stuff for them…if she behaves like a respectful adult.

Sometimes there's nothing else for it but to actually lose your shit and have a proper shout at someone like this.
Maybe she will get the hump, but you've told her before to leave things alone.

Give it a go if you can channel your anger into sobs

I would include her brothers in this conversation too. I would also add that she’s isn’t really helping at all, she’s making more work for you and her son because you have to repair, replace, redo or put right whatever she’s done. This is your home, not an extension of hers.

She absolutely knows she's done something wrong. This is some sort of passive aggressive bullshit where she believes she's better wife than you or something. Tell her of course you are angry because as usual she has imposed her own views of what is best for you with no consideration for your wishes. Your dh shouldn't have leave her on her own again in your house.

Pick your battles? She's not an infant ffs!