To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

I think ddog has the measure of mil.... Maybe he could be trained to poo in her handbag?.

Your DH has given your answer. Get him to text back to say you can't answer because he ate it all.

Don't rise to it. Simply respond "this is not appropriate MIL, we're here to celebrate DH's birthday" End of.

By not engaging with the subject at all, and you're reminding her of the event, it shuts it right down and makes her look ridiculous.

I'm waiting to hear if your wildflower meadow survived her mowing, and is coming alive with the spring. Some flowers may have benefitted from the pruning, and some will have been killed but could maybe be replaced? I would love to hear that despite the havoc she wrought, you have nursed it back to life. Then never let her get access with weedkiller.

Ha ha my sister in law did this to my kitchen. I found it really funny, but I had just had a baby so I was grateful for the cleaning help and very amused that someone would just decide to rearrange your house!

Keep it short if she brings it up. "You know how I feel about you cleaning and rearranging my house when I've asked you not to."

Give her something that needs doing to do.

Vacuum that carpet, do that washing up, fold that laundry, weed that patch.

That way she can't play the 'but I just want to feel needed' card, you get the tedious jobs done, she hasn't anything to complain about to the siblings because they know that's what she's SAID she wanted, she's kept too busy to fiddle and interfere with things you don't want done.

Time to text back that actually you are more upset than angry as you have repeatedly asked her not to do these things but are being constantly ignored, and that if it carries on you will have to reevaluate where to meet up in future (for example at a pub or restaurant for lunch or somewhere on neutral territory).

She is gaslighting you. If she brings it up in front of the rest of the family I’d try to make light of it and maybe ask for a show of hands as to who would be happy to have somebody move their photographs and personal belongings without their permission when they’ve been politely asked not to.

That made me laugh because DS and I never leave our DCs alone with DM because she’s a narcissist and we don’t want her messing with their heads the way she did with us when we were kids. Now I’m imagining you keeping MIL away from the dog for the same reasons! I’d be seriously tempted to put a post-it note saying “please do not move” on every single item in the house next time she visited.

Late to this thread. But my friend used to get her in-laws to pick up her kids once a week, so they would turn up hours early for no reason and her MIL would clean her already clean house and do any washing. Until my friend lost her patience with her because she had been washing and putting her underwear away and said that was a step too far.

I saw a poster say she thought she had a mental illness as she had no hobbies or friends or wouldn’t do anything on her own. There are plenty of women like that. My own MIL was the same. I remember FIL went away once for the night and she was on the phone constantly trying to get DH to drive there to go to the shop for her, she was in her early 50s and still working. She also had zero friends and zero interests. I’ll warn you things got much harder when FIL passed away.

I have a little trick @GelatinousDynamo . Where I regally (Imagine you're our late Queen) appear baffled and pretend not to know what someone is talking about. Because

A I'm insinuating it didn't happen or

B it was so petty of them my brain hadn't filed it. Usually leaves people gold fish mouthed.

If they pursue it in company they appear more and more stupid.

Don't think the rest of the family haven't been on the receiving end either. They will have been.

Honestly; take her/any keys away. Don't let her come when you're not there.
I had an ENORMOUS blow out with my mother for similar reasons; she 'just thought she was helping'. My kitchen was a mess, with some leftovers lying out, granted, but she swept through, chucked away stuff she wasn't supposed to, and broke a favourite cup. She's done this sort of thing before. She has keys mainly because I live in the town centre, and she uses my visitor parking space/pops in to use the toilet sometimes.

I went postal. Told her she didn't respect me, my home, or my autonomy. If I wanted to live in filth and squalor (I wasn't!), then it was up to me. I told her I was going to go around to her house, and paint it all purple, because 'I thought it was what you'd like'. At that point, she finally understood.
I did take her keys away for about 6 months, though, because I was clear she had broken trust.

This

There's danger ahead. Be prepared. Fully expect her to launch into 'her' side of the story (in it, she's just trying to help.....)

You may wish to then put your side to defend yourself. Don't do this. Just flatly refuse to discuss it. Let it be awkward. Carry on eating, clearing whatever but don't allow her to draw you in. If other people comment, just say 'well you've only got one side of the story', shrug and say nothing else. As others have said, remind her that it your OH birthday and if she persists, she's going to ruin a very pleasant evening. She's in your home, enjoying your hospitality- she needs to understand this.

However, if she upsets that handsome dog of yours, push her into a rocket and launch her into the sky........

Bingo. One for you, one for DH. Use her wording. Same comment can be used more than once. Or pick a phrase each. Tally how many times she says your phrase. Loser washes up.

And to those saying she apologised in an early text, she didn’t.

"Other recollections vary." And repeat ad nauseum. She's mad.

I'm off to practice my "surprised Pikachu" face 😂

I have a hunch that this could really backfire, and that the petty little bugger would end up pooping in everyone's handbags... but he shares my love of shoes (his love is more of the unhealthy, violent kind though) and she never listens when I tell her to hide hers from him.... So far I've always saved them, but I might be busy in the kitchen....

Sadly, I don't think so... It didn't have time to form seeds last year. But we're sowing again this year, we're not giving up.

I rather like the idea of becoming so so sad and disappointed for her bringing it up over and over again souring the mood on "their special day" (that's how she calls his birthday...), while I've tried so hard to make is special for him...

The dog is to be protected at all cost (and he avoids her so all good).

I would also use a confused face and say 'I just don't understand what is happening here, we have dealt with that. Let's have a nice family day today and never mention that again.'

And walk away...

I too think channelling the Queen is the way forward - every time MIL starts protesting her innocence, raise an eyebrow and say "I remember it rather differently. More peas, anyone?"

"their special day" (that's how she calls his birthday...)
Boke

Good luck@GelatinousDynamo, unfortunately I think you're going to need it.