To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

To be fair, it’s a day that’s pretty memorable for her.

The birth of my children were very memorable days for me.... but I would never call their birthdays "our special day". How self-absorbed would you have to be???

She would drive me round the bend! However she likes your dog, why doesn't she have her own dog? It would keep her busy if nothing else.

Obvious/ - dog picture in the dining area, brief the husband on stopping her mini wife activities, and you passing a box of tissues at the right moment for her inevitable faux sob. She clearly hates the idea of your marriage so it's a team effort. Psychological warfare for this one from you.

I think you’ve had some good advice.

However she will have a script prepared so you need to know net train of thought:

Repeat back to her what she says if it’s a question, and wait, she now has to justify her statement -

‘You were upset when I was only helping’

Repeat ‘I was upset when you were helping?’

Wait

She now has to justify this statement with an answer and she’s not prepared one - it unbalances her.

Get some practice in before Friday, at work at home and watch people struggle to come up with answers!!

Could you get your DH on board with some revenge tidying? As close as possible do exactly the same to her as she's done to you. I'm not sure how you get revenge for the lawn mowing, does she have any prize plants you could zealously prune at the wrong time of year? I'm not normally confrontational, but if you did everything back to her that she did to you it might actually as a deterrent. I don't imagine for what second she'd see that she was in the wrong, but if it happened every time she might eventually decide it's not worth it.

Love this! Keeping this one up my sleeve

MILs are clearly not all, or mostly, like this.

In your shoes I wouldn’t attend any events she’s at, ever. You don’t have to see her- she’s not your mum.

If your ddog does actually avoid her that speaks volumes imo.

The more of your updates and comments I read, the more convinced I am that your MIL is a covert narcissist. I know narcissism is a word that gets bandied around a lot these days by people who don’t know what it really means, but it’s a genuine personality disorder (usually caused by some kind of loss or trauma or separation in childhood that made the person feel like they had no control over their life) and your MIL has most of the symptoms. I’m pretty sure that if you read up about it, all her weird behaviour will suddenly make sense!

I think you've had good advice to deflect, avoid and just generally not get into it OP. Try your best not to sound irritated as that plays into her hands.

I hope she doesn't spoil dh's birthday?

I hope it isn't too painful a day?

Hope tonight went well and was drama free!

It actually went better than expected. She didn't even mention the Cleaning Gate! As if it had never happened... Veil of silence, we're all besties here.

But there were two highlights that I don't want to withhold from you people of MN:

• "he has the same eyes as me" - literal quote, about THE DOG
• at 9:31 pm on the dot she gets up, hugs DH long and hard and says "now you are born and I have found my purpose in life"... Wow, just wow.

She of course, as usual, ignored all the requests (e.g. not to pay attention to the dog while he begs at the table and definitely not to pet him while he tries that) and didn't touch the dessert because I didn't use her recipe (which she sent me this week FOUR TIMES).... but that doesn't surprise anyone here anymore and at the end of the day the evening is over and they went home.

She has started a new campaign though and wants to "dog sit" while we work. Over my dead stinking body.

God. She does not have enough to do. How exhausting re the dog. If it too rejects her then I fear for her psychological state

Your ddog would report you to the rspca if you leave it with mil.

That's what narcs do just as you've got all your ducks in a row, they turn everything upside down. I swear my mother was a witch the way she'd outmanoeuvre me every time.

Actually I'm worried for the dog. Seriously don't let her look after it. It will end up with accidents and need infinite care.

She's batshit. But you knew that.

Definitely do not let her look after torture Fido!!

@GelatinousDynamo Firstly well done on the LC it sounds like you've used that time to put down boundaries with MIL.

I think your reply is pretty good so go with it. If she pushes it just keep repeating yourself calmly to her "MIL I thought after our chat it was settled." Then change the subject. If she continues "MIL we're here to celebrate DH birthday lets focus on him" or better yet tell DH to shut her down when she starts all he needs to say calmly is "mum please stop its finished. You've agreed you won't do it again I want to enjoy my birthday". Rinse and repeat.

Although I doubt that she will give up easily she sounds like the to type to try different approaches to interfere and push the boundaries. OP you need to wait her out until she runs out of ideas and tactics to stomp your boundaries and she will when she finally realises none of them have worked for her. But really your DH should be stepping up to shut her down and same with her brothers its none of their business. If they interfere tell them straight and fuck their feelings along with MIL's feelings they haven't shown an ounce of respect or consideration of your feelings and boundaries so they aren't entitled to the same from you. If MIL does ruin the night then go even more LC as that seems to work with her and she'll soon realise the more she pushes the more you withdraw from her.

Just seen your update OP I'm slow off the mark tonight lol

Whatever you do OP don't let her dog sit thats another tactic to access your house whilst you aren't there so she can do what she likes. If she continues to push just say politely "thank you for the kind offer MIL but we have it sorted already" rinse and repeat. If she cries "I'm only trying to help reply calmly "and that's very kind of you but we're ok" she can't twist that around as you being a right cow to her.

I feel for you OP it sounds exhausting. From my experience she won't stop. Toxic inlaws are like water. No matter what boundary you put in place they find a way round it or through it. My SIL is the same so childish, spoilt needs her own way always plays victim when a boundary is in place. DH and his siblings speak so highly of how caring she is but she gives with one hand and takes control with another if that makes sense. Constant digs about my weight, my career choices and my parenting choices. Luckily we live 70 miles away so I rarely see them. You sound like you are handling this very well but stay strong!

<sigh> she doesn’t want to help she is doing things like deliberately destroying a feature in the garden she’d been told to leave alone and ruining your clothes.
You've told her she’s welcome at your home but, but, but and I’m sure she’s very happy with that and nothing will change.
No contact is your only option here.

It absolutely makes sense, my MIL is the same.

To clarify, we don't even need a dog sitter, we can both WFH flexibly so he's never alone for longer than 3-4 hours. We have overlapping schedules next week and were discussing how we're going to organise it in the kitchen yesterday, and she must have overheard. It's as people are saying, a pure power play and a way to access our home on her own terms.

But DH is breaking, I'm pretty sure she's been writing to him a lot during the last month, he's started to downplay her behaviour again... He even sarcastically asked me to today if his mother "misbehaved again" yesterday... It's just so disappointing, when you realise that you can't count on your husband and that in the end, he will always choose them.