To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

@Vegemiteandhoneyontoast brilliant idea, saves spluttering for answers.
I would say you & husband have asked her many times not to rearrange your home and interfere in your 'tightly run ship' it isnt helpful and want no further discussion about it. It is a shame that she rode rough shod over your feelings but it is no longer a problem. (you dont have to add that is because she is banned from your home) just refuse to discuss it....if she pushes and you fancy an argument just tell the whole family the truth and then ask them all to get the fuck out your house.

@binkie163 also perfect the art of a tinkly laugh while saying 'You know perfectly well that isn't true'.

maybe have a chat with your DH beforehand and ask him to step in while you say nothing. best policy

I have never managed the tinkly laugh, I would love to do it, its so pass agg with a side portion of up yours. When wind up merchants try their shit with me, I have to glue my gob shut or it comes out as a 10 min expletive rant, losing the moral high ground and wanting to throat punch them😂
I am learning manners rather late in life dealing with family!

"You need to go over this yet AGAIN? It's very simple. You kept moving my stuff and doing things in my home that I've repeatedly asked you to stop doing. You are NOT being helpful, you are being rude. You are sailing much too close to the wind. Back off before you do something you'll regret"

How did you train him to stick his tongue out at mil?

Put some dog cameras up, they don't need to be switched on. Tell her they're there. She sounds unbearable.

You are a better person than me OP

I would just say no need to talk about this any more. You have agreed not to touch anything in our house and as long as you stick to that everything will be fine. If she tries to talk more just repeat repeat repeat. Good luck!

Love the dog photo 😍

When she asks plaintively ‘have I done something wrong?’
Let your husband say firmly and without hesitation:
Mum give it a rest. No one wants you as a martyr, no one in this house wants you rearranging furniture or treating the house as some kind of extension of your own home. You’re very poor at recognising boundaries, and I don't want to have to repeat this conversation again and if you've something to say, about my home you say it to me and don't whinge on the phone to my brothers.
Stop manipulating people. Stop doing the wrong thing, stop intruding and stop asking ‘what’s wrong’ and then pleading justification when you keep on doing inappropriate things. Enjoy your life with Dad. BTW you have a good life, you are still young, still in good health, maybe you're bored, maybe you're feeling fed up whatever it is, you need to fix it and the solution isn't coming into another married couples home and acting like some mini wife. Ive got a wife and one is enough….
More wine anyone…..

If she starts crying dh needs to tell them to leave. You aren't hosting a toddler tea party. She can come back when she grows up. She wants an apology from you in 'public' and will attempt to get one.

This in spades

I would specifically say about re arranging an entire room as moving things is not the same thing. And definitely dh needs to say it

maybe mum rearranging our living room when I specifically told you not to move anything after the last time is not ok. It’s our home and we decide when the chairs go. Anyway we had this conversation and you apologised and we’ve moved on so not sure why you are bringing it up? More wine/cake/coffee anyone

I agree with others saying your DH should address it. Doesn't need to be brutal, maybe along the lines of "we addressed this at the time mum. We have been clear about asking you not to touch or move our things, you overstepped and recognised it. We both accepted your apology at the time and as long as it doesn't happen again then I don't think it's worth getting into".

To any enablers saying she's only trying to help: "it's not helpful which is why mum knows it's isn't to happen again".

This is perfect, and as @Scaffoldingisugly said, if she starts crying he should ask them to leave.
But if DH won’t say this, use the script idea that PPs suggested, stick to it, repeat if necessary. Don’t waver from your short script and absolutely don’t be drawn into a discussion or explaining yourself.
Broken record technique- if you need to repeat yourself use exactly the same words in the same tone of voice with the same facial expression. Deviating from it gives them a way in to discuss, negotiate or deny.

This sounds really good to me, @GelatinousDynamo. I might add "Do you really want everyone to know how much you have disrespected dh and me, and our home, and upset us, or would you prefer we dropped this now?"

I agree with dh addressing it, but I'd have a back up script ready and waiting incase she ambushes you when on your own. Something like

'We've already addressed this mil, no need to bring up the past'

When she inevitably says 'but I was only trying to help' I'd respond with 'you're choosing not to respect our boundaries, this isn't help'

The next line from her will probably be 'but all I'm doing is cleaning and helping' respond with 'we've been clear about this, I've just asked you to respect our boundaries and you pushing things a clear example of you not respecting us'

If she cries I'd suggest to fil, in front of everyone that maybe he should take mil home as she's clearly upset 'fil why don't you take mil home, she's upset so maybe we can have this catch up when she's feeling better' then talk to the rest of the family like nothing has happened

OP, you are right to dread this: she will want an opening to create drama. Don't give her one. Yes, prepare some phrases, but only short ones that terminate the discussion. You and DH might be able to design these to suit yourselves. "Can we just have a pleasant family time today?" "We've resolved that, let's leave it be." "Let's not rake up the past today." "No, we are not going to discuss that."

She knows what she is doing: do not be led into explaining it again and giving her openings to her well-rehearsed family drama.

If her brothers try to back her up, cut them short. You can be harsher with them than with their beloved sister. "Please don't interfere: we will write to you explaining what has been happening, but let's not spoil today by re-enacting past events."

If they reveal that they have all come planning to 'have it out with you both', tell them that that is not an option. They can either accept your hospitality on your terms, or go.

I do hope that both you and your DH have arranged for some moving people to visit PiL's place while they are at yours so that they can rearrange things there? Kind of like what you see on some Saturday night family entertainment programmes where they move the bedrooms downstairs and the living and dining rooms upstairs? All while you sit and enjoy the wonderful spread of food that you have provided?
If you haven't, you've missed a trick!

In the meantime, I agree with trying to prepare a script and learning it off. Don't let her see you flustered, she doesn't deserve to know that she can still get under your skin. Time to act with indifference to her, but speak slowly and clearly and a trick I've learned is if you speak a little quieter than you would normally, they have to focus on what it is you're saying.

Something like "Now MiL, you know as well as I do that DH and I said that you weren't to touch anything in our home and yet you took it upon yourself to do X or Y. As with a little child who has disobeyed a parent and needs a time out, we're putting you on a time out! We don't want you to garden for us, we don't want you to clean for us, or dust for us or do anything to anything in our garden or in our home. It's really very simple and to say you forget is just rude. You don't want to be seen as being rude now so we'll all draw a line under the situations we've described and consider the matter closed. However if you overstep again, we'll have to give serious consideration to stopping access to our home and garden to you" (or something along those lines).

I think this perfect - short answers and not engaging her need for drama.

I wish I could manage the "tinkly laugh"! I'm more likely to choke while trying

This is actually brilliant advice thank you. This way I'll feel more prepared.

This won't work, sadly... She will definitely speak directly to me because in her mind, it's me who's causing "problems", she probably thinks that I'm manipulating her son. To be fair, I don't think he would ever oppose her if it weren't for me, so she may be right in a way. He's just more inclined (conditioned) to believe in her good intentions.

😂 he's brilliant isn't he?
(Didn't teach him, obvs, but I found it soo fitting)

I agree with the short answers. I'd add that it's worht being a bit surprised, perplexed?

Confused look: "But MIL - you apologise, said you'd never do it again and I accepted that. Why do we need to talk about this again?"

Concerned look: "MIL - don't you remember that you've apologised and said it won't happen again and I accepted that. Why on earth are you still bringing this up?"

Very mildly irritated/worried look: "MIL - what more do you want me to say? You've apologised, I've accepted that. I honestly don't see why you keep banging on about this."