To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

I don't understand why you don't just tell her straight out to leave well alone, or else.
If her other kids phone to complain, tell them straight out too.
She would only do it once in my house.

Aww, she sounds like a nice person who wants to be needed.

Perhaps you could give her some jobs that actually need doing which could be helpful to you and her.

I hope you texted her photos of the 💩 all through the night. What a bitch

Sorry, no.

’Nice’ people don’t impose on others and then expect to have sunshine blown up their backsides for doing so and then throw a wobbly if it doesn’t happen. This isn’t a sweet old lady being helpful, it’s a woman who doesn’t understand or respect any boundaries and nothing to do with her age. I guarantee she has always been difficult and used to rampaging through life unchecked well before she reached retirement age.

You can also bet she won’t want to be ‘given jobs that actually need doing’ Narcs only do exactly what they want to do or what suits them - usually something where they can get a lot of emotional mileage out of.

Don't have her round unless it's a convenient time to stay with her.
She sounds a bit OCD tbh. Is there somewhere else she could do cleaning? Local church? Pick up litter in local street/park? Animal shelter?? Could she get a cleaning job? - she might really enjoy it!

If it happens again, after yet another "I know you are trying to help but...' conversation, I'd do the same in her house. If you can't beat them, join them!
Wander into the kitchen and start rearranging things. Plug the kettle into a different socket, shift things on windowsills as you wipe them down with a damp cloth. Move the kitchen roll. Nothing strenuous, you're not there to work.
You are Just Making a Point. You know the sort of thing..."It makes so much more sense to have the kettle here.' Have a bit of fun causing quiet chaos.

And then there's the bathroom.....

Unfortunately people like this MIL usually have a relatively spineless family members who know very well she is a total pita and also know they don't want her attention. So generally a narc has a lot of people who don't want them either who will push back because it's easier for them. Narcs are also pretty nasty if you take them on directly. Tbh it's highly likely that this MIL has already been pretty unpleasant about the OP already and any conflict is used to "prove" her point. They are nasty people who love fights and particularly fights with a principled person. You have to not engage.

Not my mil (who once got up before us and didn't make a cup of tea or eat anything as 'it's not mine to touch') but my mother

She'd think nothing of coming in,have a nose round anything she thought was important(and would think nothing of opening my post),bin what she felt wasn't (school letters,bills,medical appointment letters etc) but she'd rearange anything she felt she didn't like,binned a load of my clothes and shoes more than once as 'I don't like them,they dont suit you',once took a load of brand new cleaning cloths as 'I don't like the feel of them' and would help herself to daft things like photos or food

I went nc in the end-and not one thing has been moved or taken since

I get you don't want that but she can't be left alone in your house

The tears are just manipulation and the guilt tripping texts are the same-it's all to build you up as the bad guy

Your home is not an extention of her own

They have. She ignores it.

It is not her other kids, it is her brothers who ring to complain.

What she did was very wrong. Is she showing signs of dementia, it comes in many forms, may e have a word with fil or dh

By not engaging gives her a green light to continue.
No, my light is directly on red.
If she doesn't like it then that's her problem, not mine.
If she starts creating, she would be shown the door in no uncertain terms.
My mother in law tried throwing her weight about in my house when I first married, she was very surprised to be shown the door instead.
You've got a mouth, use it.

WTAF???!!! I'm around that age. Thank you for telling me I'm an old lady who doesn't have long left 🙄😡. How bloody dare you?

But OP already did this and this woman whips up her family in support. More engagement directly is unlikely to pay off. That's because this is someone who actively wants a conflict.

Usually people do back off. But you also get these people who actively like it. Different thing

This isn't helpful at all but it's nice to hear that I'm not the only person with a MIL like this!
Mine comes to my house and feels the need to do my washing when I'm not home and this includes my underwear. I was mortified.

She even buys mothers day presents and gives them to my son to give me. Fathers day she buys her son presents and gives them to him with my child.
My brother in law helped stop this for us this year as this was the first year he was supposed to buy mother's day presents for my sister in law.

What is with mother's not letting go of their sons! I pray I'm not like this when my boy grows 🤣

Yes, I agree with this. When you said she moved your photos around to insert one of her and your DH, in a frame with hearts around it, it sounds like her non-verbal message is “He’s my boy, not yours, I loved him first and I’m number 1 in his life, not you”. She sounds emotionally stunted and it’s sad that she seems to feel that you and she are in competition for his love. She can’t be happy for him that he’s found a life partner, she sounds deeply angry and envious and jealous. The cleaning and rearranging despite being clearly asked/told not to suggests that she’s trying to gain a sense of control and power, that she knows what’s best for you, and also maybe an unspoken criticism of you - “You don’t keep a nice clean home for my poor darling boy”. I don’t know what to suggest... She sounds very defended and manipulative. It sounds like anything you said to her she’d turn around so she was the wounded, hurt, rejected one everyone should feel sorry for. She really seems incapable of responding in an adult way. Like others here I think the only thing you can do is repeat clearly that you don’t like her tidying and cleaning /rearranging, you’re asking her one last time to desist, and that if after this she does it again, she is not welcome to visit. It is your home and what you want comes first. You’re dealing with a child in an adult body (not meant as a criticism, it just sounds like she’s not able to process her emotions or have much insight into how to relate and navigate issues). And then absolutely and calmly stick to it if/when she does it again. Therapy/counselling would no doubt help her, but that would of course involve her having to admit to herself that she might have a problem, and she’s stuck in a narcissistic way of thinking: If only everyone would do exactly as I tell them I wouldn’t have to get upset.

Do this and hide stuff too while you're at it!! 😜

Soulou · Today 21:47

What she did was very wrong. Is she showing signs of dementia, it comes in many forms, may e have a word with fil or dh

Yeah, say to FIL in front of her, "I'm actually getting very concerned that MIL seems unable to understand that she has no business interfering the way she does - have you discussed it with the GP? Have you had her assessed for dementia?"

I'm sorry, I misunderstood and thought the lady was much older , my mistake , sorry.

Don't retaliate by doing the same . After at least a week of letting her fester send her a message telling her you know that she knows that she's done wrong and that you and your husband are both FURIOS -in fact get your husband to send the message As she hasn't learned her lesson before she is no longer allowed to be in your home and helping is only useful when it's wanted and actually helps which her help isn't and doesn't!

Get her targeted on something she can do. Manage it so she's busy when she's round yours.

Thank you!

If she has a key take it back or change the locks. Definitely don’t leave her in your house alone.

I really don't think I'd care but my parents aren't alive and neither are my husband's.They passed away before we got married. I would love a FIL to come and help with the garage roof and MIL tidy up. But that's probably down to 23 yrs of literally doing everything ourselves. Maybe she is trying to help but just going the wrong way about it.
Perhaps she just wants to feel needed it's lonely when no one needs you anymore.

@Pinkmoose is destroying a garden or clothes helping?

yabu