To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

You need to be really firm and really clear- “if you can’t be trusted to behave yourself, you’re no longer welcome in our home.”
My MIL used to pull this nonsense all the time- taking a load of my trinkets (some of which were sentimental) to give to a charity shop, ‘tidying’ my underwear draw and getting rid of items which she ‘didn’t think would fit anymore’ or ‘no longer looked my style’ or peeling every vegetable that we owned.
She was told and sulked for a long time, but then realised that I was the one encouraging my partner to have a relationship with her and if she didn’t come to ours, she didn’t see him as he never made an effort. So she now toes the line!

I had that sort of MIL for the first 20 years of my marriage, not so much tidying and rearranging but running fingers down the bannisters and along work surfaces looking for dust; she never found any, my house was invariably cleaner than hers.
She was my husband's step mother and she is long gone now, but we've been married for almost 45 years , so that's how long it's irked both of us , so much so, that we still refer to her as 'she who must not be named.'.
Get your husband on side, he's married to you not her and so it's also his home she is messing around with. He's obviously quite content with the way you both have things arranged.
Please don't stoop to her level and do what some are suggesting here and do the same in her home - at least one of you should behave like a civilised human being, but she doesn't get to visit without invitation, when both you and your DH are there to stop her in her tracks if she starts moving the furniture.
Having said all that if she had mowed up my wild - flower meadow I would have killed her so I'm probably not as long suffering as you.

My ex MIL would do EXACTLY this. She once rearranged my WARDROBE while I was at work. So many incidents like this. Of course I was painted as the ungrateful witch.

She also later did some passive-aggressive things like breaking items - all in the name of ‘only trying to help’. This woman flooded my kitchen using the shower above, melted a pair of nylon socks on my brand new wood burning stove and broke a sofa bed trying to force it closed.

The final straw was when I came down one morning and she had unstacked the dishwasher and put everything neatly away. Only, it had been full of dirty crockery and cutlery.

When I banned her from staying over she checked herself into a B&B the next time she came to visit. Only, we got a call at 11pm complaining that it was actually a drug den and please could we come and rescue her.

The family believe her to be hilarious and just a bit nutty but endearing. They all fawn and pander to her very whim and forgive everything. They don’t even bat an eyelid.

I saw straight through her. Her every move was calculated. My ex didn’t stand up to her. This is one of the main reasons he’s now an ex.

A word of warning: if you plan to have children, NEVER, ever leave your child alone or unsupervised with your MIL. Mine was an absolute danger to the little ones, and once they got older she would try to twist their minds with the way she was treating them. I don’t know what kind of illness that woman has but OMG I am so happy I never have to have anything to do with her again.

Sorry but sod that.

I was all for you being the unreasonable one when I read the title but as soon as I read that she had mowed your wildflowers(!!!!) and actually moved your furniture, not just cleaned your living room, I decided I’m on your side and I’d be furious too!

Did you read her posts or just read the title?

In future a good reply to a similar tactic might be:

"Sorry batshit pain in the arse MIL, it took me so long putting my house back the way it was your food spoilt so had to bin it.

I'd kill anyone who touched our ivy - we have a wren in there every year.

Honestly, I would set really clear boundaries now, and call her out on all batshittery. I think I mentioned upthread where DH's family are with SIL who has alienated everyone to the point where her sons won't even phone her in her care home.

This!!!!! I love it!!!

If it doesn't feel right to you then that's all that matters. You instinctively know intentions are misplaced or there are boundaries being crossed so you don't even need explain yourself.

I feel strongly that it's on husband to address this. You're in a difficult position and I would absolutely expect him to be the one to clearly assert the boundary. Even though you meant well mum, it feels a bit intrusive for both of us. Please no more cleaning or it's going to be difficult to have you over'

17 pages of comments and updates from op and you think she just cleaned and op should be grateful? she not only cleaned she alos moved furniture even though she doesn't live there to how she thinks it shoudl be. she also moved photos of ops family out of the way and put a photo of her in the front and center as she thinks she is more important. if you paid 120e they most certainly wouldn't have done any of that. mother in law overstepped big time and op is well within her rights to be furiouse

But she absolutely does understand that she’s done something wrong OP otherwise she wouldn’t be lamenting about you being angry.
Personally I would go NC for a while as she repeatedly shows she doesn’t respect your boundaries. Then she might think a bit about her actions.

wow, people are really angry about this MIL. send her to me- i’d LOVE the help!

in seriousness- i do understand your frustrations. i watched my mum and SIL struggle for years, it was sad and hard on everyone. your MIL clearly has trouble with boundaries, and maybe needs to feel
useful, or just needs attention. perhaps you could approach it from that perspective- either talk to her about what help looks like to your family, or set up tasks that will make her feel useful/appreciated/noticed but wont impact you if it goes south.

family is a beautiful, complicated, and often difficult beast. the way we nurture it role models to our kids how to handle difficult relationships, and how to handle us when we’re seen as the difficult MIL. good luck!

I have a similar issue with DPs mum. She completely took over when we bought our house, first time they came to stay she rearranged the furniture, has an opinion on everything and if you don’t follow it she gets a real victim complex about it. I think the woman is a complete narcissist and everything is about her.
it culminated in a huge row in the middle of John Lewis 😂 however it did clear the air, and now DP and his dad also stand up to her. She doesn’t do it anywhere as much since.

She sounds like a narcissist, which is going to make it very hard to get through to her. Also, anyone who thinks a wildflower meadow is “ugly” clearly has no soul.

Wish Mt ex mil did this. My mum does but she rarely comes. I would love someone to spring clean my house for free

If it's you DH who wants her around your house, why can't he be the one to supervise her? Why can't she be invited over just for the occasions DH will be inside and engaged in visiting with her?

Obviously it's up to you what you are ok to accept but I personally would not be willing to take that on. It's a massive imposition on your time & mental energy.

Personally, I would have just said no, then started immediately putting everything back to where it belongs, no matter how tired I was! Do this enough times, she'll soon stop doing it!

She's an old lady that's trying to be useful , let it go, indulge her, she hasn't got long.

Well you know what to do next time you visit her. Swap everything around.

I’d be incandescent with rage. She knows she’s done wrong as she said I hope you’re not cross with me. My in laws use to try this with me so I banned them from my house. Boundaries must not be crossed. Good luck

Wtf, she's 66 and completely healthy. How old are you to see a woman in her 60s as an old decrepit lady, 12?

Yes, that would be Ideal and to be fair, I usually opted to go to the office or go out whenever she's invited herself. But, if it's during the week, they usually come over on a day where DH is WFH, and he does actually have to work, so can't supervise all the time... So from now on I'll have to WFH on those days as well, because I refuse to give up my weekends and leaving her to live out her wildest dreams unsupervised is obviously no longer an option.

But I think we will be reducing the visits as well. We don't need the stress.

Taste of her own medicine, find out when she isn’t home and go and give her home a “tidy up” and then cry when she doesn’t like it 🙄