To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

@GelatinousDynamo I suggest you start predrinking from the day before her anticipated arrival so you are already nicely sloshed by the time she is there. if you dose correctly, you won't remember being in her company afterwards. also you can say anything you want with the great excuse of being off your head

Having had an NPD mother, this behaviour is chillingly familiar. Ignore boundaries, get a predictable reaction then retreat into victim role. A narc wants to be told all the time how wonderful they are and how grateful everyone else is at their efforts. They only want to hear praise and can’t cope with anything less than positive feedback.

To all those making excuses and justifying the MIL’s as she’s ‘retired and bored’ just put yourself in the same position as her. She still has a partner, is not old at all by modern standards and is clearly fit and mobile enough as she has enough energy to move furniture etc. She needs to be told bluntly that she needs to redirect her focus elsewhere, maybe volunteer for a charity where her enthusiasm for cleaning might benefit someone who actually wants help.

I’m in my early 60s and retired. I have two adult children with their own homes. Their standards of tidiness differ from my own, but it’s absolutely nothing to do with me. It doesn’t affect me whatsoever - they’re certainly not unhygienic or dirty - and when I visit, it’s to catch up with them, not to enforce my views on the way they live.

This invasion of your home is a form of territory marking. She’s reminding you that she is ultimately the powerful matriarch. Agree absolutely with others that have said, if necessary, meet her on neutral ground. That way, you’re in control of both your home sanctuary and can dictate how long you’re in each others company. Just tell the narcissist that it’s so much nicer to meet in a restaurant etc because then “we can just relax and chat and not worry about boring old housework”

My mil did this once when we were on holiday abroad, she let herself in and cleaned the house!! I was furious and got dh to get the spare key off her immediately. It was a total invasion of privacy and I have no idea if she went into the bedrooms or not. She never did it again and has not been given a spare key again.
Ask her if her mil used to come and tidy and rearrange her house without being asked? Put your foot down and tell her it is not her home and it needs to stop or she will not be welcome anymore and that you are not trying to upset her. P.s get your husband to tell her this, it's his mother so he should deal with her!

I reiterate that the best response is no response... but that photo? A tiny part of me is saying: take it out of the frame and subtly alter the pic to give her lizard eyes, pointy teeth and a forked tongue... return to frame... job jobbed...

👹

Well if she needs to be needed so much, how about giving her a job you loathe, like cleaning the oven, along with the words “you’d be doing me such a favour if you did that”. Or just save up all hubby’s washing and ironing and let her get in with it? Find some old bedding and throw that on the pile? In summer you could get her shelling a few pounds of peas to freeze…

She is a control freak and does not like that your are now in her son's life and she has to do as she wants. Sit her down and tell her she is not allowed in your house unless you are there and never allowed to move or touch anything again. Tell your husband to also tell her the rules. Shocking the cheek of her cutting your grass and wild meadow. I would go around and chop the heads off all her flowers and see how she likes it. She is horrible and needs to be firmly told to stop.

Give her a mop and bucket next time with a list - starting with the mankiest room (bathroom, toilet floor etc,) followed by shed/garage where ever she can't to any harm.

I asked my parents to just keep an eye on the house whilst I was on holiday. I came back to find mirrors I didn't want fitted to the walls, and all my herbs turfed out of their pots and replaced with pansies. To this day, lovely as people might find them, I can't bear pansies.

These people can not be controlled or boxed in this way. No one is cleverer than a narcissist in search of supply. They get their joy out if dominating you and making you miserable. So they never cede control.

Everyone else in her immediate family will know what she is like and will be doing their level best to ignore or push her onto the OP. Better you than them, is the rationale.

The previous poster that says to hand this over to your DH and have minimal interaction is correct, as is having social events in restaurants etc.

The FIL is probably an enabler and relatively spineless. Do not expect help there, I'd say he's keen to get rid of his needy wife for a while.

Well if she needs to be needed so much, how about giving her a job you loathe, like cleaning the oven, along with the words “you’d be doing me such a favour if you did that”. Or just save up all hubby’s washing and ironing and let her get in with it? Find some old bedding and throw that on the pile? In summer you could get her shelling a few pounds of peas to freeze…

Sorry, but this shows you really don't know anything about narcissists! If OP does this, I'll tell you what will happen:

She WONT do those things deliberately, she will do other stuff instead that she knows full well will irritate the OP (because she wants a reaction). When OP says "oh- how come you didnt do the oven? etc, I did ask you if you could do them"

She'll start crying, and say "you never said that!, I never heard that- I would have done it if you had said it, I'm ONLY trying to help. If I'd known you wanted the oven done I'd have done it but thats not what you said, or maybe I misheard you, I'm not well you know and my hearing isnt what it used to be- I tried my best to help you but clearly it wasnt good enough!" cue more crying and running to others for sympathy. She'll gaslight everyone into thinking she never heard it, it was never said, she didnt realise blah blah blah and will turn it into another huge ploy for sympathy. This wont work with narcs as they have selective hearing and will swear blind something was said that it wasn't or that something wasn't said when it was. They will argue the sky is bright purple, not blue, if it benefits them.

That's the plan 😂

Take your keys off them.

My MIL is like this too and it drives me insane! I wouldn't mind if she would do something helpful like laundry, ironing. Instead she goes through my kitchen cupboard and reorganises them (hides things so I can't find them!) and pull down the ivy I was purposefully covering our large back fence with!

Honestly I don't mean to sound disrespectful but why are mils so unhinged?. Yanbu she sounds incredibly annoying and is doing emotional blackmail. It winds me up that mils use their children's families to fill a void in their lives its not fair.

Wow

She knows well she did wrong or she wouldnt be texting you. I would politely but strongly say mil you are welcome anytime but PLEASE DO NOT clean or move anything while you are here,we have asked you before and dont want to have to do so again. it causes undue stress and our house is how we like it.x

Strangely I feel for your MIL, even though she is a nuisance, she sounds a bit lonely / lacking in a hobby, and probably just wants to be involved, but she's going the wrong way about it. 🙈
It would do my nut in too, and even though she probably means well, i would have a word with her in front of DH and FIL. Sadly my MIL passed in 2021, and I would love for her to rearrange / tidy my house, especially as my DS (nearly aged 5) constantly has my house up the wall 😆

I would simply make it clear to everyone concerned - especially to your mother in law - that you understand that she is suffering from dementia and so cannot help herself, and that therefore you will try to be more understanding going forward. Keep hitting the dementia issue as often as you can with anyone and everyone who knows her.

She knows she's in the wrong or she would t have said it.

Sounds like a mother-in-law who is power tripping thinking that no one is good enough for her son. Keep her out of your house. Your husband needs to back you up on this. She needs to stop meddling in your life. She’s such an energy vampire.

If anyone knowingly mowed our wildflower meadow their feet wouldn't touch the ground they wouldn't be allowed in our house again unsupervised!
And the uncles who created such a monster by spoiling their little sister and letting her think she could always get away with doing whatever she wanted by twisting them round her little finger should be told so.

🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏

You have a free cleaner what's to moan about? Just tell her how you want it done and good for you! Save yourself £120 a month which is what I pay for a weekly cleaner!