To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

I don't know.. how TF do these people dare?
😳🙄

Oh and when/if the brothers grimm ring let them say their piece.say nothing.justify nothing and end with thank you for that, i will reflect on your thoughts bye bye,Put the phone down.forget and go about your day as you were!

She knows she it upsets you and keeps doing it.

I'd start texting her.

Why would I be angry? What have you done?

Oh I didn't notice you had rearranged things.

Then I would set up texts to text her every hour asking where things are.

Sorry MIL, but where do you put my sex toy?

Sorry MIL I can't find the kettle? Where have you put it?

Sorry MIL I can't find the water. Did you disconnect the taps?

Sorry MIL where is the living room window?

Get more and more insane.

OMG 😲 @PanettoneSoprano How have you not bumped her off?
Please tell me she no longer has a key!

“I’m too angry to talk to you at the moment. I might regret what I say”

Keep standing firm, do not respond. The change of tactics from her in the messages is proof that what she did was not done to be helpful it was calculated and done to get a reaction and attention to allow her to done her victim of evil DIL robes and you denying her that has foiled her plans.

Also, MIL is lying she knows she didn't put everything back in place as she deliberately moved a chair for better afternoon light.

I can understand that is it tough for your husband she is his mother after all but if he does respond to her all he should say is You've been told countless times, you are either not listening or deliberately disregarding what we have said so there is no point in talking to you.

Oh yes she sure does whine.

She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s)

It’s quite ridiculous that your husband is so scared of these old men and has allowed them to have any opinion at all about these matters. He’s not a little boy and should not tolerate being told off like this.

He needs to tell them to keep their noses out, or not answer their calls.

Stand up to the uncles and MIL manipulations will stop.

I suspect they know exactly what she is like, but are well trained.

She is now attempting to train the OP - but it’s not working because the OP knows how to set boundaries.

Stop caring that she cries to other ridiculous adults.
Ask her why she acts like a scolded toddler. It's fucking cringey...

Dear God she sounds like the unholy love child of my XMIL (chronically interfering/controlling) and my mum (emotionally flaky and manipulative).

I think ignoring her was probably a good shout, if she wants attention and drama then not providing it is definitely the way to go, but for your own sanity you just can’t have her in your house unsupervised going forward.

If FIL is on board perhaps you can suggest that he comes over to help out with stuff when she’s got plans with her brothers?

Just for shits and giggles…my XMIL organised and paid for a load of stuff to be done in our former marital home (XH would not stand up to her and I think she thought she could get away with it because it was only in his name - long story). This included a porch, change of fireplace, kitchen refurbishment as well as a host of other stuff.

When I divorced her son she had the bloody cheek to send me an invoice for half the costs of all her antics over the years.

Yes. She hates clutter but also doesn't like throwing things away because it's a waste. Her house is immaculate but she treats ours like a charity shop. My husband gets really annoyed so I don't have to deal with it, thankfully. There have also been some pretty funny incidents over the years that I've been able to sit back and enjoy from the other side of the room 😂🍸

@PanettoneSoprano - and TBH anyone similar, why on earth don’t you either take her key away or change the locks??

OP don’t put anything writing if you can help it as she will just show it to everyone to further her victim complex.

You need to secretly place the photo frame in a mutual relative’s house.

Fucking hell. Change your locks!!

You’re right, it is a mental illness. It’s narcissistic personality disorder. The problem is narcissists do not think they have a problem. And they will never get help. narcissist develop this way because they did not receive the attention. They needed as children. So they create situations where they attract attention, whether positive or negative, which fills their emotional void. However, it is never enough. They also crave feeling powerful. they also have a complete inability to see their behaviour the way other people do. most narcissist cannot empathise or sympathise however, they see that this can create attraction so they imitate these behaviours. that is why they often try to play the victim so people feel sorry for them.

I agree 100%. There are loads of replies, as usual, with suggestions like “give her something to do”. OP has tried that and it doesn’t work. It isn’t what MIL wants. What she wants is to treat OP’s home as hers, do whatever she wants including things she’s been asked not to do, and pretend she’s just helping. Suggestions to tolerate her: why? Why should the OP have her home interfered with and her possessions ruined because it pleases MIL? Why are OP’s feelings and desire to have her possessions left alone less important than what the MIL wants?

People with normal, decent parents and in-laws have no concept of how those relatives can manipulate, lie, and have bizarre selfish motives. They give everyone the benefit of the doubt because they haven’t experienced this. They think that if someone says they’re just trying to help, that’s true. Hence the complete misunderstanding of what is going on here and the willingness to believe that this MIL truly is being helpful.

To anyone who has lovely, straightforward parents and in-laws who don’t play games: you are lucky; please don’t try to invalidate the experiences of those who are not so lucky.

To anyone who has lovely, straightforward parents and in-laws who don’t play games: you are lucky; please don’t try to invalidate the experiences of those who are not so lucky

Also agree! as for people saying "I'd be grateful if she did cleaning!"- did they miss the fact she rearranged their furniture, almost killed their dog, ruined her garden and purposely put a photo of HER in front of OP's parents?- thats not just a bit of help with cleaning due to boredom, its malicious nastiness with a desire for drama and the accompanying histrionics afterwards. It's text book narc behaviour and is no way motivated by just "a desire to help out because she's bored". The very fact she brought over a photo of herself knowing she'd put it in front of a photo of OP's parents indicates as plain as day it was deliberately done to be inflammatory and to cause drama.

Sounds like my MIL. I'll be adopting some of the good advice that has been offered in this thread going forward.

@FictionalCharacter "People with normal, decent parents and in-laws have no concept of how those relatives can manipulate, lie, and have bizarre selfish motives. They give everyone the benefit of the doubt because they haven’t experienced this. They think that if someone says they’re just trying to help, that’s true. Hence the complete misunderstanding of what is going on here and the willingness to believe that this MIL truly is being helpful."

100% this. You probably have to experience it to understand how toxic and exhausting this behaviour is and how it's part of a much bigger picture of relentless control and undermining, which is presented to others as kindness, care and helpfulness.

Wow, so many answers! To everyone who's MIL is even worse than mine: I'm so sorry for you and hope you're holding strong! I would explode if someone dared to remodel my house when I was away, having to put the living room back together is a small task compared to some of your stories!

The picture has been handed to DH and the fugly frame has found it's final resting place in the bin. The living room is back as it was and the dog is chilling in the "afternoon sun" spot.

People have suggested to freeze her out, ban her from our house or go NC... This won't happen, she's DHs mother after all, and I don't want to put him in a position where he's forced to choose between me and his family. She's annoying, but it's not a crime. Might have to revaluate if she gets worse, but for now she's not completely banned or anything. I get angry at her, but cutting her off completely might do more harm than good- especially to my marriage, and she would just love it.

But yeah, she will have to be supervised during visits, which is super annoying because I've been keeping myself sane by organising little appointments every time she was supposed to come around, to at least win myself half a day and just have to meet her for dinner, never be alone with her... That strategy is dead now and I'm stocking up on lots of wine.

Still haven't answered her texts but it might write something this evening.

Could a compromise be that she never visits unsupervised but that you also never have to be alone with her?

I think some people who say this just don’t read the post properly. Others are routinely goady. But some really do miss those points, because it’s so far outside their own experiences and imagination that they just can’t take it on board. In their world, MILs don’t do these things, so they can’t imagine someone’s life in which this happens.

If you do reply just say thanks for the food, although you didn't get to eat it as DH did. Say nothing about the room.