To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

@Emotionalsupportviper bloody hell- thats absolutely horrific. I am so so sorry you had to go through that. Unfortunately, these people will never change- the narcism is a core part of their personalities so the only way to handle it is to go no contact or very very low contact to cut off their "fuel" supply

I appreciate you are trying to ignore her but I would be soooo tempted to text her and say 'there was no food sorry so don't know what you mean. Forgive brevity of text but it's cleaning day and my lounge is such a state I need to crack on so we can enjoy it this weekend. Take care.' If she replies with 'but I cleaned one' then I would say 'good one can't wait till your April fools joke'.

I have similar issues with my MiL and I just ignore. My DH is now under strict instructions that its his problem and he has to stop any nonsense. The in laws also stay in a hotel when they come. Sounds harsh but no one gets how much of a ridiculous nightmare it becomes....like you we had clothes ruined, things go missing as they thrown away when 'tidied' up e.g the garage door fob. Personally I think it is / was a worrying sign but again her family fully support her 'kindness' so I give up thinking kindly of it.

You're dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder which is very unfortunate. It looks like you have reached the limit of your ability to tolerate it.

I'm afraid there is no solution that will fix her. The only way to deal with it is to cut off contact. I assume that isn't an option as it will create more problems than it solves. So I'm afraid it needs to be damage limitation, much as you have already done.

One tactic you could try is attempting to direct her attention to something you find much less annoying, and pretend to be apoplectic about it. I can't think of an example but say oh I don't know. Cleaning the car? Or God knows. Something totally unrelated to cleaning maybe.

If it is the case she is looking for the reaction so she can enjoy the resulting drama and sympathy, you can give her that, but she hasn't actually done anything you find actually inconvenient. Sounds a bit exhausting but might be worth it to protect things you actually care about?

So a period of complete nonchalance about things she does that give you rage, but total overreaction to really small things you don't care about. See if it changes her focus on to those small things and away from the big things?

If this isn't the cause then she had a mental health issue akin to hoarding and unlikely you will ever stop her from doing it. Given she doesn't appear to do this to anyone else in the family? I think it's likely you are the target because of your reaction. This I suspect because you have rattled her with the silent response this time.

If it is the case she is looking for the reaction so she can enjoy the resulting drama and sympathy, you can give her that, but she hasn't actually done anything you find actually inconvenient. Sounds a bit exhausting but might be worth it to protect things you actually care about?

Agree with this- it will also serve as an interesting "test" to confirm in your mind if it is deliberate. If she switches to moving things about that she thinks upsets you (because you've pretended to make them a big deal) then you'll know without a doubt its deliberately to upset you

I hope your DH hasn't caved, because it's a bare-faced lie and you both know it. How can she claim to have tried to put everything in back in place after telling him she'd moved the armchair "for better afternoon light"?

I'll bet she's going through private drawers and reading personal correspondence, too.

She obviously has nor boundaries.

Tbh if she is a narc then any reaction at all is okay. Positive or negative.

All you can do with people like this is starve the drama. Do not respond.

You can always tell with them because if you do give any response, you get many messages back. Escalating the communication or trying to provoke response.

Pity her. Don't respond. And really, think about changing the locks. I'd say no more home invites that involve her.

If she must play this game, get her to play it with someone else.

I feel sorry for her, she's told her son she wants to feel needed!

Give her a job you don't care about it or a made up one and then thank her profusely for it, she'll be thrilled! I give jobs to my MIL all the time. She does not like me at all but she loves to tell DH she's done the job that needed doing that I couldn't manage lol!!!

Putting a photo of herself in front of the one of your parents is not someone trying to help. It’s someone making a statement and marking territory in your house. She must have brought that photo over with the intention of doing that.

Spot on.

She'll be piddling up the chair legs next

And I'd post that to her, badly wrapped if it's got glass in the frame. No note.

I'd do this, too.

Or just stick it in the bin. Or is there a charity shop she frequents that you could donate it to - she might see it for sale.

And this is why retirement is not the joy its cracked up to be.shes bored.

Also expect them to come around; that's a classic narc threat actually. Get ready for "I'm coming around".

This is of course more drama. Be out.

I can guarantee you she will have been just as passive aggressive, sympathy seeking, manipulative and drama inducing during her working years.

I have a friend like this. She has no mental discipline - if you don't do things her way she keeps chipping away trying and she never gives up. As a friend I have enough space and she doesn't control or impact on what I do but she does this kind of shit to her kids - I tell her to stop and she promises to - and then I find out she has done it anyway and her kids get really angry and she's upset that they don't appreciate her. She does too much for them, gives them too much money and thinks they'll love her more for it but they don't.
Not sure what causes it - she's not a narc (I know a few of those)

Tell her the dog stole it.

And has been violently sick.

My MIL used to do the exact same thing. I’d be at work and I’d come home to find my house scrubbed and rearranged. My garden stripped of the flowers I’d planted, daffodils tied up into neat little bunches with elastic bands round them. It made me effing furious!

Id warn DH to keep out out shopping or at a garden centre until I got home and she couldn’t do the stuff she wanted to in my house because I was there.

One day I came home to find her cleaning my oven. I went mental at her. Told her to leave my stuff alone as she was making me feel like I was living in a slum. I told her it was my dirt and id clean it. Then she said she was only trying to help, I told her I didn’t want her help and she was here for a visit not to do my housework. She told me that if she could clean/help she’d commit suicide (yep, she really said that). I told her to go right ahead, tell me when she was going to do it and I’d help her! She never did. But also crucially she never ever cleaned anything in my house again.

Shes 91 now, she’s in a care home. She’s as sharp as a pin still. We get on like a house on fire. I do whatever I can for her, shopping for clothes she needs, sweets, shower gels. Sometimes you just have to show a bit of tough love.

OP. I really hope you find a solution.

Then say's well I didn't know

I'm hearing this in the whiney, see-justifying tones of Sharon Strzelecki (from Kath & Kim)

The ‘I hope you're not angry with me?’ rather gives the game away.
Of course NO adult should enter another person’s home and without their consent, move and rearrange their possessions, it just isn't done. It is intrusive and very disrespectful and your MIL knows this …hence the simpering manipulative text. You and your husband need to calmly and firmly say ‘this isnt a request, you are crossing a line, do NOT do this again, because if you do, it will damage our relationship’ and also add that phoning the other siblings is a very cowardly way of dealing with things and suggests that MIL isnt interested in anything but getting her own way. She must be getting some emotional satisfaction out of this display of ego?
After you’d had this discussion, hubby needs to phone the siblings and tell them to stop enabling their mother’s selfishness.
Recognised boundaries and good fences preserve relationships, ignoring these things destroy cordial relationships….and whatever the ‘emotional hole’ in your MIL’s own existence, it needs to be fixed by her and her husband reconnecting and finding age appropriate hobbies. It may not harm things to ask her why she isn't focusing on doing nice things with her own life, rather than trying to control yours? Maybe FIL and the brothers need to step in and do more to engage with MIL? There are many ways to fulfil her ‘need to be needed’ , voluntary work being a tried and tested way of doing good and feeling good. MIL has her own home, her own husband and her own life, if that is lacking in ‘something’, the solution is not to be found in undermining and disrupting your home, marriage and life.
Good luck xxx

I have tried to put everything back in place.

So - she has been back into your house? Without your knowledge?

F*UCK THAT!

Has she been back in your house?

I think continue to ignore texts.

Your DH can talk to his Dad and explain that she has done something wrong and you need time and space, and that by respecting that she will demonstrate that she can respect boundaries, but that continued texting won’t improve things.

Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front".

I’ve had to stop reading here and go and angry-clean.

congratulations on your restraint, OP, I think I’d have hit…well, something.

It’s not the first time I’ve read on here of a MiL taking it upon herself to clean or tidy, moving or throwing away stuff - and then when even mildly reprimanded, crying and doing the ‘I was only trying to help!’ bit.

Seems to me like a dual-purpose tactic - annoying the DiL under a pretence of ‘helping’, and then garnering attention/sympathy.

Must say my lovely long-gone MiL would never have dreamt of any such intrusive behaviour.

I would continue to ignore totally any messages, the silence will be killing her.Keep it up! If FIL ever needs any tools etc say yes you will drop them off for him when you are free, in effect bypassing the need for them to visit you. It is exhausting trying to preempt her next move but you have to be ready if you are not going no contact to do this. Always meet for coffee in a public space,never at your home. They want to come over, no sorry we are busy/out no more explaining than that,tell them nothing of any plans,anything of interest or note going on in your life. . I would not do any more than that. I woudnt seek revenge just make her irrelevent to your life. You have got this OP. Dont engage with her.In our house dh sees to his side I see to mine. The longer you ignore the better..she has lost you and will be terrified of loosing her son so it might pull her into line if you stay strong. She calls you ..hi mil I will get fred for you thats all and pass her over thats all she gets from you going forward, refuse to engage any further.

"I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing.

Your response should have been: 'Well if you are worried about me being angry then that tells me you already know you've crossed a line.'

It sounds as if you might have gone out to avoid spending time with her? Perhaps if you try to kill her with kindness and spend time making pleasant small talk while she's there, she'd have less opportunity to behave like a busybody behind your back.

I don't think she's trying to help. She's bored out her mind, this is just entertainment for her, imagine the thrill of walking past you knowing what you were about to walk into. She'll have been so excited for your text. Ignoring her in the best strategy, don't feed it.

@Caththegreat

What a silly comment! I took early retirement years ago and certainly don't have the time or inclination to tidy any of my relatives home unless an elderly relative has been unable to do so and has asked for help, in which case the whole family chip in wherever possible to help out.

Retirement is fantastic. Freedom to do whatever I want, when I want.