To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

OP, I agree with PPs she can never be in your house alone. She's obviously manipulative and controlling and she won't respect your boundaries. I don't know if you're planning to have kids, but if you do, I feel for you already!

I have every sympathy for you. She's so batshit I lolled several times at her behaviours, in a this cannot be fucking real kind of way 🤣

It's probably her MIL 🤣🤣🤣

I see where this would be frustrating but honestly I'm a little jealous!
If happily let her clean my house - maybe not iron though if she ruins the clothes.

Intact I would just leave her a pile of DH clothes when she comes.

I was wondering that if she destroyed her son's clothes or just the dil.

Adding my voice to those saying that she simply cannot be allowed in your house unless she is accompanied at all times, with the same unhealthy level of dogged attachment that she gives to the dog.

When the brothers grim ring up to complain tell them it's nothing to do with them and promptly hang up on them. Refuse to engage with them on the subject at all. DH needs to do the same.

In all honestly it sounds like DH is going to have to stop taking his father up on offers to help in the garden or with DIY etc, and change his relationship with his parents to one which is wholly just social, and to at least a greater part, outside of his home.

My SIL is identical to your MIL OP, I would love to know her "diagnosis".

Her son (DH's nephew) has just had a breakdown because of her and has said that he won't visit or call until she apologises and gets some insight into the effects of her behaviour. It's tragic.

I also think installing pet cameras is a good idea. Don't tell her you've done it either, it's none of her business, and it's for legitimate reasons. That way if DH slips up, or if she manages to "go to the bathroom" alone you can tell her off immediately because your pet cam pinged you. If she weeps and wails, off she fucks home, and the brothers get put on pre-emptive ignore for a few days.

She has y just cleaned though. She has moved furniture around and reorganised where the op and her husband place familiar items. She has put a photo of herself and her son in front of a photo of the op's parents!

She has previously been asked/told not to move things around.

She fed the dog all manner of crap so that the dog was ill in the night.

The op and her husband have tried to be kind and asked her to do specific jobs thinking that would satisfy her need to interfere but she's said no citing back ache etc.

The woman is not doing anything to help, she is undermining the op and causing trouble.

Completely different to your idea of someone giving a helpful hand with household duties.

Yup yup yup!

My MIL does exactly the same as yours. Takes every opportunity to clean and when she does, moves our stuff around. The other year whilst we were on holiday, she cleaned my kitchen cupboards and moved EVERYTHING about so I couldn't find anything. She's tidied up my paperwork and I couldn't find my passport. Looked for it for 6 months then had to apply for a new one. (I'd only had it 1 year). She's even moved my cutlery about in the drawer. I've come to the conclusion to accept the help.
She's not going anywhere and it's better to keep the peace. No point arguing over the little things now. She does a grand job of looking after our child which is the main thing.

If mowing a few 'weeds' make her happy or dusting and cleaning makes her feel useful, then knock yourself out. They think they're being helpful and helping make your life easier. We know shes annoying, even if she doesnt. They're not here forever and one day you will look back with your husband and talk about all the batshit crazy stuff his mum/ur MIL did with fondness and laugh. I did eventually have words that if she cleans, she's to put everything back to its original place. She's does that now.

At least she's not a horrible MIL, in comparison to some you read on here.

Destroying clothes, making the dog ill, destroying a wildlife habitat after she was told not to, and damaging relationships repeatedly does seem to fit the definition of horrible MIL though.

this is the behaviour of an extreme narcissistic parent. overstepping boundaries, playing the victim, making it very difficult to have what would be a rational conversation with any normal adult, etc …all standard behaviour. there have been books written about it. My mother is a narcissist and I didn’t speak to her for years. The only reason I do now is because my father has a terminal illness. He is a nice man but also as your father-in-law is described — an enabler. It’s also very common to see a narcissist paired with someone who bows to their every whim. Unfortunately, the problem is that it’s very hard to get the upper hand with a narcissist. For all the reasons you’ve explained these types of rational conversations that people are advising you to have will not work with her. The most common advice is to go no contact. and to become a ‘Grey rock.’ this means having no emotional reaction to anything that she does. You’re doing the right thing by not responding to her. do not respond to her at all. She craves your emotional attention because it makes her feel powerful, she will do anything to get it. you can see this in her text messages. She wants you to get angry with her and then she can play victim. Now that didn’t work so she tried another approach with the food texts. Don’t respond. The less you respond the more likely it is that she will stop doing what is annoying you because she stops getting the response that she wants. It’s very difficult because what she’s doing is absolutely infuriating and you have all of my empathy, but please just do not respond to her at all.

So hang on, she dumps stuff at your house? Has she got an aversion to throwing things away? I find this extraordinary and infuriating

From the thread title I thought you were BU, but having read your post, you are not. I would not let her in my house or garden again. You’ve given her more than enough chances. Enough.

I’d have been furious about the wild flowers. That would have been my final straw.

Continue to ignore op but I expect she'll ramp it up this weekend.

Be prepared that they'll drop by this weekend though - can you be out? Or keep doors locked and don't answer.

If her brothers call, I'd actually use it as an opportunity to say how worried you are about her having dementia as she's forgetting the most basic things. Really lay it on thick. Turn it around as concern for her through them.

It is very odd behaviour. But perhaps just learnt behaviour.

She has learnt that people love her when she mothers them and does stuff for them. It’s her only way of knowing how to relate to people. It’s her only way of seeing and understanding herself. She doesn’t seem to have any existence outside of this. It’s her entire soul.

She’s psychologically trapped in this understanding of herself and how she relates to others. Even though it’s not working with you, she has no other way of understanding how to exist to you. So she just keeps repeating the behaviour.

My autistic Ex was similar. It didn’t matter how much a behaviour did not work for him or others, it didn’t matter how much misery it caused him or others, he just kept repeating it.

So maybe it’s learnt or maybe it’s learnt but also with some underlying issue like undiagnosed ND. Who knows?!

It’s not acceptable though.

Definitely never have her over again - but I wouldn't want her touching my things again even to put them back.

I hate people like this - it's a form of passive-aggression in my book. "I only wanted to help", 'I was only being nice" or they lie and say "You never told me X", or "I forgot" (even when you know that she damn well didn't forget, and in fact did it intentionally).*

*Why, yes - I do have a similar conniving, manipulating kh^nt in my life. What made you ask?

The particular one I have to deal with intentionally did something (in public) to draw attention to me in a way that I'd specifically been telling her for 3 years not to do - I wan't say what, but it was in relation to a phobia I have. She'd plotted it - 2 people afterwards told me she'd said she was going to do it and both had said "Viper won't like that - it'll upset her" and were told by this gurning idiot "I like upsetting people". Sadly they didn't get a chance to warn me because she just went in and did it. (There was no way I could actually get away)

I even tried to stop her half way because I saw where it was headed, but she continued. I stood up again after she'd finished (I was frozen with shock and crying) and was looking pleased with herself, and I apologised to everybody there for seeming ungracious (this thing was done as a birthday "surprise") but that I'd have to leave. That put a kibosh on any celebration, too.

I pulled her about it later and got lies ("Nobody told me" / "I forgot" / "I just wanted to be nice". etc which to me was almost worse than the act itself.)

It is a real phobia. Not just something that makes me "uncomfortable" or "embarrassed" - it makes me physically, mentally and emotionally ill for a long time. I have nightmares and panic attacks. I still am. Nobody except her knew I had this phobia, because there was no need for them to.

She's trying to pretend everything in the garden is lovely (I do have to have contact with her because or church responsibilities) and I just can't be in the same room as her. She makes me physically sick.

Anyway - sorry to de-rail. I needed a rant because it's still upsetting me, and it's 5 months later. Please forgive me @GelatinousDynamo

And sorry for saying "kh^nt ". It's a horrible word and she's the only person I've ever used it about.

OP- you do realise that she knows EXACTLY what she's doing right? This is typical narc behaviour- pity plays and sympathy ploys, doing things she knows will annoy you after you've specifically said no, enjoying the fall out and drama and her other sons then getting upset that you and DH have "upset mum" etc.

This is deliberate, it's not some older lady desperately trying to be helpful and then wringing her hands because she cant understand why everyone is annoyed with her. Noone who genuinely hated drama and fall outs would cause them as much as this by doing things you've specifically asked them not to.

Watch HG Tudor on YouTube and you'll soon realise how this whole thing works- its deliberate.

If mowing a few 'weeds' make her happy or dusting and cleaning makes her feel useful, then knock yourself out. They think they're being helpful and helping make your life easier.

On the contrary, people like this are well aware that they are nor being helpful.

They are maintaining control.

However, if it suits you, that's fine.

@PanettoneSoprano please for the love of sanity either get the key back or change the locks!

@Emotionalsupportviper I'm so sorry - that sounds horrific and it sounds as if you handled it with wonderful dignity and poise given the distressing circumstances.

Whether it did or not makes nor difference.

Noe of MILs business unless she is asked to help.

The dementia suggestion is genius. That will completely put the wind up her.

You and DH have the patience of saints.

She knows exactly what she's doing, you're right.

I knew someone like this. Everything was done so if you ignored their behaviour you were mean/rude/ungrateful/poor Sandra was just trying to help and doesn't get any thanks. If you challenged their behaviour then they would flounce and be the victim. It was exhausting to be around.

Thank you.. @Grimchmas

I really loathe her so much now, and I don't like the emotions that churns up in me.

She still gets little P-A digs in whenever she can under the guise of concern. (If she would just stop, it would help). I don't respond. I just follow the wise advice I've read on here in the past when other people have had similar problems, and go grey rock. It's the only way to deal with people like her.

The dementia suggestion is genius

Hahaha! I love this, plus you can come at it from a "I'm, just SO concerned about you and we're so worried that you seem to be forgetting things we've asked/mentioned to you- its really, really worrying us" play her at her own game!!