To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

My MIL has a similar base-thread. She actually has had a traumatic past which has only recently come to light.

That may or may not be the case here whatevs, imo you need to work on your own reaction to 50% of her actions, they wouldn't be an issue for me. The other 50% are annoying but that's life.

Without one shadow of a doubt I'd be at her house the next time she's out and I
would switch entire rooms-for instance kitchen with bedroom lounge with bedroom-I'd empty drawers and cabinets and even the medication chest would be moved to a kitchen drawer. Pictures hung in the opposing rooms, the whole nine yards. Act confused when she asks you why or expresses any annoyance by saying you 'only meant to help'

You could start the “poor Mil I think she might be getting dementia, she thought my house was hers and she moved things about. I’m really worried about her as she doesn’t seem to realise it’s not her house”.
I hate to misuse dementia as it’s an awful disease but sometimes you have to hit below the belt.

Post it and don't reply to texts. The longer you respond to what ever game she's playing, the more she will continue.

I thought that she must have come prepared to do the whole thing, because otherwise how did she randomly have the photo. And WHY did she have to cover up your photo of your parents with one of her?

She could have just handed it to you like an adult but instead chose to sneak it in and place it whilst you were out, replacing your own parent's photo. That's just nuts.

But it's also very deliberate. Especially following mowing down your wildflowers. Calculated Vandalism and then acting the victim to the rest of the family.

Do you care if the Uncles tell you off?

How do you not get what has happened here?!

You are NBU. My MIL used to do this (before we went non-contact), and it felt like a bit of a violation. She'd ostentatiously draw attention to some random neglected bit of the house (think skirting boards or door frames), and tell us how difficult they were to clean. DH told her to stop and then he'd get the ''boohoo, I'm only trying to help''. Ah MIL, her house sparkled but her soul was as dark as a coal miners boot.

She also kept giving us her random household shit. I used to dread her visits because she'd open her car boot and there'd be bags of crap like 1970s teacups and saucers, or small casserole dishes that were absolutely no use for a growing family. She'd say ''just donate them to the charity shop if you don't want them''. I eventually found my spine, declined them and when told I could donate them, I said, yes that's a good idea, you donate them to charity if you don't want them.

If I ever have a DIL (or even a Son-IL), I'll offer to do some cleaning if they need the help, for example after having a baby. I wouldn't go in off my own bat and scrub, I hate tidying my own home but it's a necessary evil.

This has had me nearly crying with laughter.

The line has been crossed several times in the past and she has been asked not to do stuff like this. It’s clear she knows she shouldn’t be doing it. If simply telling her that “help” isn’t wanted worked, she wouldn’t have done it this time! Doing the same thing and over and expecting a different result is just plain dumb.

For what she did to your wildflowers she would not be welcome on my property again. Killing living things. Vandalism, and evil. She sounds horrific. Ban her.

I was fully prepared to read this post and reply omg lighten up Becky, but then I actually read it and she’s being a manipulative witch.
I really would throw out the frame she bought and put all photos of her away in an album, not saying anything. She wants to goad you into a fight so she can complain to family, ignore her and ffs don’t let her into your home when you or your husband aren’t there to supervise her childish antics.

Exactly. Messaging her to tell her she's banned is just feeding the hungry Attention Beast. I doubt your DH is going to want to be that inflammatory anyway.

But you can keep her out of the house forever by strategically being unavailable/changing plans at the last minute/organising catch ups elsewhere. No drama, plausible deniability if asked directly 'no of COURSE you're not banned mum, it's just that the toilet's not flushing properly/we've got covid/ there's a new pub we really want to try.'

My Ex MIL was exactly like this ugh YANBU at all

Dementia?

Not demented! Garden variety narcissism. If OP hangs tough she should expect an extinction burst of hysterical activity and probably a “lawn tantrum” where she comes to your front yard-in an American suburb it would be a lawn—and throws herself down and flails her arms and legs like a toddler in a rage.

Hope your kids are boys and this happens to you.

What is happening to the MIL? She isn’t being murdered.

My MIL was an absolute bitch but she was wise enough to recognize that my home was not her home. We respected each other and when I was a guest in her home, or she a guest in mine, we knew how to behave.

I’m staying with my elderly mother at the moment and the clutter, chaos and complete lack of logic to kitchen cupboards etc is making me crazy. Never in a million years though would I start rearranging stuff or sorting it out. She likes it the way it is and it’s her house.

Can you husband go and see her at her house instead? So she doesn't visit you?

You think if you have sons it turns you into someone who can’t respect her children or their partners?

That seems like a particularly bizarre view of psychological development.

It is mental illness. This is not normal. My mother was similar.

The wild flower incident would have ended in a permanent ban here

My DM has done that sort of thing. We have had some straight talks over the years.

Once I had a new bathroom put in all done in sea greens and blues against white and when she came to stay she changed all the towels (including our personal ones) and mat replacing with (clashing) dark orange ones without telling anyone. I just put them in a pile on the landing. She said "you don't like them do you?", "nope", "I'll take them away shall I?", "yep"

I also suspect that she does this shit to create drama that she can share with the brothers too. It wouldn’t surprise me if the brother’s wives think she’s a manipulative witch too. PLUS, OP becomes the enemy, not her. Cow.

you aren't being unreasonable. Your home should be just that.... YOURS. Not hers.

Three choices ..
One ..This, above.

Two.. Don't allow her to visit when you are not there.

Three .. Have DH give her a written, detailed, list of cleaning that she can do if she visits him while you are not there. Such as ironing from specific basket, folding clothes from specific basket, hanging up washing on line, taking down washing from line, sweeping hard floors, cleaning the bathroom with specific cleaning kit. washing outthe fridge,
Outdoor yard work like - weeding specific garden beds, mowing back lawn, picking up sand toys from lawn, washing the car, washing the rubbish bins, vaccuming the car and sweeping up leaves. Have such a long list every time and if she deviates from it she will not be welcomed next time.

When she does help and does stick to task, be very thankful.