To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

I think your MIL isn't remotely enjoying the actual cleaning and tidying. She actually pulls these stunts just for the attention. I don't think she cares whether it's positive or negative attention, so long as she gets it.

So don't give her the attention. Treat her with bland indifference. Don't react to anything she does or says. Just respond with non committal remarks or a vague shrug. Politely act like she barely even registers on your radar. Firstly she'll soon stop with the interfering when it doesn't give her the fix she craves. Secondly it will drive her crazy with frustration.

Ask her how her memory is because she seems to forget any instruction she’s given -

Haha I thought you might be one of my SIL at first because my mum is like this!
I took away her key after I came home and she'd moved my kettle and the Location of the 'cup cupboard'. She doesn't even live in the same village as me.
If you've not experienced it, you might misunderstood. Let's say you have a baby, you've barely slept, are totally touched out, and mention to your mum that you really need a bath and are up to your tits in laundry. She comes over, ignores the laundry and can't hold the baby because she has decided that you really need help organising your under stairs cupboard. Which she empties out into the livingroom and best case scenario, you have to make decisions that you don't have the time or headspace for, worst case she leaves it half finished.
Someone telling you what they need help with, and you deciding someone needs help with something, are not the same thing.
My mum's 2 sausage rolls short of a picnic, her life is fiction and I'm always the villain nomatter what I do. If my mother was my MIL she wouldn't even have my number let alone a key haha, Best of luck to you OP!

Just text her back, tell her she’s not welcome at your house anymore. Then block her. Don’t answer the phone to the uncles. Sorted.

Absolutely it's all for attention, she's like a toddler, she doesnt care if it's positive or negative attention as long as all eyes and conversation is focused on her. That's why best reaction is laughing at her for making a tit of herself. She ll still whinge away to herself that you are a big meanie but won't have the satisfaction of knowing she's rattled you, and there ll be a little worry that maybe everyone thinks she's a joke

Yes!

Yes she is being clever and manipulative. But you don't have to allow yourself to be manipulated any longer.

If I ignore it, I'm ungrateful. If you ignore it, she can claim you're ungrateful, based on ignoring all the context and background. The concept that one must be grateful for any favour, however un-asked for, regardless of prior negative behaviour, is a really useful one to abusers. So stop believing it. You know that you are a grateful person to people who are genuinely consistently kind to you. And everyone else knows that too, except those who are completely enmeshed with her.

She's loopy and there's no solution without risking a lengthy rift. You'll have to make sure you and DH are on the same page.

Reply “not sure what you mean, sorry”

If they go on holiday, turn their house upside down,beds downstairs,sofa upstairs...
I thought I was helping..😀

I had the MIL from hell. She was a nasty piece of work & difficult. Years later, I've perhaps mellowed & realised she was jealous & also wanted to keep a place in her sons life. I wish I'd been kinder & more tolerant, not to the point I let her run riot but I wish I'd tried harder.

I agree that not rising to it is the best policy.

Just reply, ‘Sorry I haven’t seen the food as I was too busy sorting the living room out. Also I think you left a photo frame behind today by mistake, I’ll pop it in the post tomorrow.’

I would be fuming too. My MiL has (without invitation) re-organised my cupboards and drawers. The second time she did it I was firm-ish though eg “please don’t, I can’t find anything where I left it”. She had the cheek to say she couldn’t find anything either, that’s why she did it - erm what?! It’s my house not yours!

If she was as bad as your MiL I wouldn’t let her come round anymore. It’s so rude. You have my sympathies OP!

There has been an insane amount of MIL topics on here, lately.

@Easipeelerie has it right. Think how peaceful it would be never to have her darken your doorstep again... no more mind games, no more territorial pissings...

As so many other people have said, she loves the drama, and she's sneaky - 'helping' someone by cleaning their house, what could be nicer, right, how unreaaaasonable you are... And she's telling everyone because she needs an audience, a team. They will be on her side for a quiet life. She's trying to get you to break cover with the texts just so she can take aim at you again.

Starve the drama - I know, it's easy to say 'go no contact', harder to do... but if you have to play a game with her, let it be to starve the drama, because drama is her weapon of choice, she's a master at it. Let yours be a steely calm and implacable determination with a glint of humour to keep your spirits up, because it sounds like that's what you're good at!

Ooh, I've just read that back and it sounds so militant, but this sort of imposition gives me the dry boaks, so it does... 😠 The wildflowers alone... 🤬

There's been another text message (and another change of strategy):
"Please excuse me. I have tried to put everything back in place. I'm very worried that I've done something wrong. It won't happen again. Have a nice evening."

Still keeping firm and not answering, but I suspect DH is breaking.

@GelatinousDynamo 😂😂 she is batshit, deff trying to wind you up. Ignoring her is driving her crazy.

I think this is a good way to go.

Block her and when dh brings it up just say, calmly, that you won’t engage with her until she can bring her behavior within normal bounds. If she does bring the flying monkeys (the uncles) just hang up on them. You really can’t win, the best thing is to disengage.

There is an anti-crime called "Breaking and Decorating" which might appeal to you if you have a key to their house.

Ideally (if it is Revenge Decorating rather than mere Busybodying) this would involve formal-floral dark red and gold flock wallpaper such as is found in 1950s saloon bars, and loud carpet with a very large pattern repeat that doesn't in any way go with the wallpaper (extra marks if you can find a check carpet, otherwise floral of a different sort is good), and swag crimplene curtains and pelmet in a different unmatching colour and a different floral pattern. Dark green woodwork, or woodwork painted to look like either leather or wood.

And all of it really good quality so that it would be terribly wasteful to get rid of it.

I think you’re totally overreacting, is it really worth being so stressed about it, how long did it take to put your room back in order, five minutes?
She obviously wants to help and feel needed, show a little kindness!

How long did it take to re-grow the wild flower meadow she destroyed? Or earn the money to replace the ironed items that were not wearable after she had done "helping" with them?

This is not being helpful, this is being destructive.

Tell her the vet needs to know now exactly what she put in it as the dog has died.
Or just continue to ignore.

Surely now is a good time for DH (rather than you), to agree a face-to-face sit down with his mum, to explain that the anger is because you are both asking her to not clean, or get involved and she is going against you. That you’re setting boundaries and she is knowingly crossing them and when you are angry about this, she is dragging her brothers into the conversation.

Then DH can ask her a bunch of questions, so that she ends up defending herself, along the lines of:

Why are you cleaning the house when we’ve asked you not to?

Why are you feeding the dog when we’re asking you not to?

As she tries to defend herself, she may start to realise how in the wrong she is, if DH doesn’t let her get away with crying it out.

If she does just play the victim, DH could do the old, “do you need a brief pause to calm down?” Or “well at least I tried to talk to you about it, Mum”.

Such a shame your phone isn't working and the internet connection has gone down at the same time. Unfortunate timing.

Sounds like my mum tbh! She does this stuff in my house and I'm her daughter! I've tried telling her not to, telling her off and all sorts but have given up - as has DP.

Before she comes we now write a list of 'things' she can 'help' with (to keep us on track) examples below!

We have a pile of clothes that need mending or taking up, the laundry needs folding, she loves cooking so we give her this to do.

We ask like she's doing us a favour, for example no one can mend clothes as well as her.
Or we are so busy so the basket of clothes has got out of hand.
Or wouldn't be amazing if someone could batch cook us some meals.... simple like spaghetti or lasagna.

Last time it worked.... far better than the tears or the drama of her doing stuff she shouldn't 😂