To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

Keep ignoring, OP. She's getting wound up at the lack of response.

And she clearly didn't try to put everything back. She's lying, and she knows she's done wrong. She did it deliberately. It's not up to you to text her and reassure her. Just don't answer.

The whole situation sounds incredibly stressful - but this part is hilarious. Of course the cat doesn't bloody like her. She probably ignores the cats boundaries too. Cats don't do boundary stompers... and they are spectacularly unmoved by emotional manipulation.

OP I think not responding for now is very wise, until you and your husband know how you want to move forward. I would be arguing very strongly for her just not to be allowed at your home any more. All this talk of her not being there unsupervised just begs the question - who is going to do the supervising? Are you supposed to be inside babysitting her while your husband and FIL are in the garage? Will she even listen if you tell her to leave something alone?

I would suggest your DH sends her one flat, unemotional message.
"Mum, due to your repeated behaviour of interference with our house, garden, and pets - against our clearly expressed wishes - you are no longer welcome on our property. This decision is final and we will not be discussing it with you or with anyone else. We will give everyone some time to settle down, then get in touch in a few weeks to see if you want to meet somewhere for lunch."

She's going to hit the roof. She's going to call in her band of brothers. Even FIL is going to be on your case - because she's going to drive him batty. DO NOT ENTER THOSE CONVERSATIONS. Be prepared with a simple "the decision is made and not up for discussion". If they push, you hang up.

You have tried all the normal, kind things that work with people who have even a smidge of respect & self-awareness. That hasn't worked. None of that is your fault but this won't get better unless you make it better.

My mother varnished our quarry tiles when we were on holiday because she preferred them shiny. We lay them because they were Matt.
I had to remove it with a toothbrush working on one tile at a time. A total of 60m2.

She meant well but can’t quite understand it’s not her house. Although I really appreciated the cleaning 😀

We asked for the keys back. Suggest you do the same OP

The fact she was saying "now don't be angry with me" shows that she KNOWS FULL WELL she's done something you won't like.

My MIL is always cleaning when she comes round ours btw. I bloody love it. Me and DH both tend towards the lazy side, plus we've got a toddler and a baby, so we really need the help and it's a godsend. She often puts things where we wouldn't normally put them, but I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I'm just saying that, because what your MIL does is ABSOLUTELY NOT the same. It sounds like she's deliberately doing it to rile you up.

That said, a lot of older people really do need to feel needed... Maybe you could think of jobs she can do when she comes over, to keep her occupied..? "Here MIL, here's the laundry, get cracking".

Yep, this.

I’m astonished she’s still alive.

You have my sympathy, similar situation, even when told specifically to not touch / help / assist with xyz, she will, and she has a bloody key to our house and comes round when we are out.

I was at work recently and was being sent photos and live action updates of something I had said needed to be left alone. I rang my husband and told him, he called and texted her to say no no no! The replies were along the lines of "I need something to keep me busy, can't stand to see things out of place, I like helping, I've done it now, here's a photo". The result was an expensive item being broken and a pet got injured, but it was all "oops, was only helping!, you shouldn't leave things in a mess!"

Not to mention all the crap that we've already said we don't want that gets dumped in our living room / fridge / garden that I then have to find space for in the bin. Here is a list:

His dad's clothes (RIP 2016, aged 83)
Old suitcases, the long flat ones with wheels at one end
Magazines
Newspapers
Old toiletries, opened and tested
Frayed towels
Oranged tupperware
Funny looking lumps from the deep freezer
Opened packets of bacon
Frozen quiches

FUUUUUUCK.

Unbelievable. I think DH needs to tell her of this ever happens again she won’t be able to come to the house. She should never be unsupervised! Poor you.

Have a word with yourself and then read the post that clearly shows her DH backs her up anyway.

Definitely this. Get all the attention/sympathy it will drive her mad!!

I would be happy for anyone to clean my place, but she is not a toddler no should be enough and if it isn't then she has issues not the op

MIL's really enjoying herself. Her texts show it's all for the attention. Keep on ignoring her.

Can you give her the frame with hearts on it and the photo back to her next time you see her 😂 "you forgot this"

Definitely attention seeking. I'd be fuming. The meadow would have been enough!

I’ll take your furniture moving MIL and I’ll raise you….
we went on holiday. She had a key for emergencies only.
While we were away she got our front room redecorated because she apparently never liked how we’d done it 18 months previously. We came back to the surprise of floral wallpaper with a floral border and some clashing floral curtains.

Yeah, you win 😂

Do not rise to it. Ignore any messages and from now on grey rock her. Avoid having her over , unless she can be supervised and don't give her any attention even she shits on the carpet. At the moment you're fulfilling her need for drama. Stop feeding the monster and it will find another victim. If her behaviour escalates, then don't have her over period. She can't clap with one hand.

@GelatinousDynamo You are definitely not being unreasonable I would be fucking livid!!

As much as I wouldn't blame you for reading her the riot act you will be playing right into her hands as it will give her the opportunity to play the victim.

Ignore all of her text messages including the pleasant ones asking if you enjoyed the food its another way to stomp on your boundaries and manipulate you into engaging with her as she clearly knows you don't wish to talk to her so she's trying to force you to by being nice and pleasant. She knows exactly what she's done and is doing because she's asked you if you're angry and the second text is designed to make you feel guilty for being pissed off with her. She isn't mentally unwell OP she's trying to control your home and telling you what she wants and thinks is all that matters and everyone must put her needs first.

Continue with utter silence for a little while she's clearly also freaking out at your lack of reaction and she doesn't know what you're thinking, I also suspect she doesn't like it when someone ignores her so continue with utter silence because right now your silence is practically shouting a lot more than your words she has taken notice of it, I think everytime she does something to upset you just totally disengage and ignore her she will get that message clearly.

If it was me OP after this I would ban her from your home, extreme yes but it will hit the message home to her that when she does something like this the reaction will be no more coming round to your home and having to miss out and if she doesn't like it thats tough she's been told too many times and she ignores it so as a result you rightly don't want her in your home and I'd be telling DH that in no uncertain terms and if he doesn't like it he can go and live with his mum.

If or when you decide to respond to her do it via text so she can't twist it and say you were nasty when you have it in writing. At some point I would reply a simple text like this "MIL I'm disappointed and upset that you have done this again after being asked repeatedly not to. I have nothing more to say because you don't listen.

Also DH needs to be the one to tell MIL that she's no longer welcome in your home because she has no respect for both of your boundaries.

When her brothers interfere either don't answer the phone or tell them straight, its none of their business in the first place and if MIL is so upset then all she needs to do is to respect your home and boundaries. Say it once and if they continue don't engage. I feel sorry for her SIL's I bet she does stuff like this to them and her brothers allow it. Your MIL is obviously not used to being told no thats why she has no problem ignoring your wishes.

@PanettoneSoprano 😱

Continue to ignore. It's all just manipulation. The posters who think she was just trying to help have probably either never met someone like this, or have poor respect for boundaries themselves.

Don't ban her or do anything dramatic. Just make sure she's never there by herself again. Grey rock. LC. Sorted. Take the oxygen away from the flame.

Covert narc, playing up the vulnerability while being deeply manipulative. Grey rock her, and use the stuck record technique to constantly affirm your boundaries. 'The rule in this house is no feeding the dog outside its mealtimes'. 'Only DH and I clean this house.' Don't argue or deviate. If she turns on the waterworks, simply walk away. If the brothers ring up, just decline to discuss it.

Ignoring is clearly working so keep doing that.

It sounds like anger is really not working because it lets her play the victim. So, I think eventually DH needs to tell her that you can't text back because you're too upset. If the uncles call don't pick up - you're too upset. If you accidentally pick up you can't talk about it - you're too upset.

Then don't have her in the house again because you're too upset. If the price of that is that FIL can't help with DIY that feels reasonable to me. If they turn up at the door they can't come in - you're still too upset - but you can go for lunch in a pub somewhere or something. No she can't just use the loo at yours afterwards - you're still too upset.

I think she’s very irritating but she’s hardly a monster! I would be cross at the meadow and clothes that were ruined, but not moving bits and bobs round the living room. She’s DH’s mother after all and in families people do poke their noses in. That’s not to say one can’t tell them not to, but ignoring messages is a bit spiteful imo