To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

Keep ignoring her! Or simply text back: DH ate it all.

She sounds like an absolute nightmare. Who cares if she goes crying to her brothers – your DH needs to put them straight that she oversteps boundaries all the time and you've both had enough of it.

She is bored and wants to pick a fight with you.
Hence pinging you "hoping she didn't do anything wrong and you are not mad', regardless the fact you took the higher road and didn't tell her off. She knows very well what she has done.
Well done to you.
Just ignore it, she just enjoys arguing.

OP believe me, she knows what she’s doing, she is attention seeking. That’s why she keeps doing it. She doesn’t even really mind when you get upset with her because it just gives her an opportunity to extend her three act play and get others involved. Do not respond.

You don’t have to reply though. Who cares if she thinks you’re rude…she doesn’t care about you or your feelings clearly.

Personally I think I’d have to say she is no longer allowed in your home. Maybe keep that in place for 6 months then see what happens after that. You’ve described multiple situations where she has not just been annoying and rude but really invaded your privacy.

Don’t speak to her brothers if they call. I’d respond to them with “she hadn’t respected our home and so she can’t visit until she can learn to respect our space and be polite In our home” then Hang up and don’t answer any future calls .

Thing is she is being allowed by everyone to act in this self centred rude way. It’s ridiculous

I totally agree with this in terms of it being a healthy way to set boundaries. But it’s clear the OP has implemented boundaries and narcissists will not let you put in boundaries with them. I have a MIL who is a covert narcissist and she’s lost when there’s no drama and she can’t play the victim. We went in with strong boundaries, it went nuclear, held onto hope and boundaries but eventually had to go no contact for two years. So you’re right, I missed that step because of my own experience. It is a really important step and OP’s DH has to do it and make decisions about next step. But i tell you now, it will not work. A narcissist will not allow you to put in a boundary

I'd have hit the fucking roof about the wildflowers. How dare she?

If your DH can't stand up to his mother and put a stop to her nonsense, I would be refusing to spend time with her at all. She knows what she's doing.

You are in a pissing competition OP, have you checked the carpets, she probably pisses in the corners every time to mark her territory! and spits on your pillow case 😂
Trying to deal with dysfunctional drama addicts is pointless and exhausting. You are a stronger calmer person than me, I would have tarred and feathered her by now.

Don't answer her. She's desperate for a response. Personally I'd block her number so I didn't have to read her shit.

And she would not be crossing my threshold again.

Stay resolute and continue to ignore her.

She's awful, and I'm a bit awful too as I literally LOLed at her putting her own photo of her and her son in front of a photo of your parents in your house.

Definitely best response is not to reply, she knows she overstepped and wants you to be cross so she can tell her brothers how horrid you are to her.

Sounds as if your husband is on your side, which is good as he'll have to supervise her all the time she's there in future, though ideally all meetings away from your house in future. He won't be able to tell her she's not welcome because there'll be massive drama, just each time they invite themselves, he says it suits him better to visit them, and do this each time.

If they turn up unannounced you don't have to open the door. If they see you're in and ring, you don't have to answer - your husband can text her later and say you were having romantic couple time, again every time.

Avoid her as much as you can, she's looking for drama, starve her of it and she can start in on one of her sisters in law.

Urgh. Totally agree with others saying ignore her texts. Even the new one about lunch. If it escalates just say your phone isn’t working properly. Ignore any BS from her brothers, too.

She clearly won’t respond to more chats or reminders about not touching things, so I’d just ensure she doesn’t come to the house for as long as possible and then only when she can be 100% supervised.

Your DH needs to keep backing you all the way. And mostly, she needs to get a grip of herself and stop wasting her life. There are a kazillion charities and organisations that need volunteers.

No more MIL visits while you're out op. You and DH need a plan and just no longer let her in if you're not there.

So if they "pop round" while you're out dh should ignore the door.

Make it a house rule she's no longer allowed in unless you are there. You don't need to tell her this rule. Just enforce it quietly and discreetly so she can never have this power in your home again.

Also, what a weirdo she is! The photo thing is creepy.

Really annoys me when people do this. My sister does if she comes round and I can never find anything. I've left a pile of washing on the floor in front of the washing machine. The washing machine will be on common sense would tell most people that's the next load to go in. But oh no it can't stay there so she picks it up and takes it upstairs to put in the washing basket. Then say's well I didn't know.🙄🙄🙄

Call her bluff, don't act mad, answer her with 'nah, I'm used to you acting like a weirdo after all these years, DH and I have a bet to see what lunacy will happen each time..... I lost this time round, maybe next time! Our neighbours love the stories of' what MIL did this time' too'
And obviously never let her in your house unsupervised again

I don't really understand people interfering with other peoples houses like this

I clear up at dds or put washing on line or wash up but never overstep by moving stuff around

I've just learnt about vulnerable narcissists...

Reckon that would fit here.

I agree 100% with this!! My MIL has been babied by her brothers all her life & is the only girl. Spot on.

Let her slag you off. If you are so awful she can stay away then can't she?
Job done.

this would befunny

I'd actually wait until she goes on holiday and move it all to the local charity shop.

Genius!! 🤣🤣🤣

I would go no contact and I would be willing to accept the family fall out. I’ve not spoken to MIL for a year due to something absolutely dreadful and shocking that she said to me. She used to do all my gardening and housework without being asked, too - killed my hydrangeas and burnt my ironing etc.
I’ve accepted that in pushing her out of my life, her family will be told I’m bad. I’m fine with that, it doesn’t matter what they think of me.

Oh god, I hope you're not planning to have kids. She'd probably move in and you'd need to watch out for a slightly bitter almond flavour in your tea.

May I suggest short telephone call, witnessed by your husband?
Invite her over.
Say, "Put it all back, now."
No discussion, no explanation.
Just robotic repetition.
When she refuses, that's your entre to say "Fair enough, you've chosen to disrespect us in our home, this is the last time you set foot in our home. You can leave now."
And stick to it.

If eithwe my mother or mother in law did this they would be banned. my mother has form similar used to go to the toilet upstairs instead of the one downstairs on our old house so she could have a nosey in the rooms up there. wasn't impressed when we started locking doors when she came to visit. it not right from either families unless they are asked to do it