AIBU to think you don't give bacardi to 12 year olds?

[TalkingInTheKitchenAtParties]

AIBU to think that you don't give bacardi to 12 year olds? Their grandmother thinks that it is perfectly normal to do this and that it is completely acceptable and normal for her generation to do.

We visited my parents house at the weekend for lunch. Whilst I was feeding my youngest in a different room my mother decided to give my 12 year old the equivalent of 3 shots of neat bacardi (both my eldest daughters were in the room and I have since asked them separately to show me how much was in the glass). My 12 year old hadn't asked for it and wasn't even aware of what she was drinking.

As soon as I found out I went to talk to my mother who found it funny, claimed that she couldn't see that there was an issue, said I was over reacting, that it's a completely normal thing for her generation to do, laughing and rolling her eyes at me and not letting me speak. We ended up leaving. Our leaving was met by my mother shouting, storming off and slamming doors. My eldest was frightened by her grandmothers behaviour. I remained calm throughout, tbh i think I was in shock at what had happened. I have not heard from either my mother or father since Saturday. Whenever there is a falling out it is up to me to apologise regardless of who is at fault. I will not be apologising this time. This is different. This is my child she has hurt. I cannot see how I can ever trust her to look after my children again if she sees it as perfectly normal to give my child alcohol behind my back. Surely this isn't normal grandparent behaviour as she claims!

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Why do you need clarity on how the OP thinks her child has been hurt. Are you OPs mother?

My mum is controlling like that, as in not letting anyone else have an opinion.
🌶I think it is notable that you said your DD can eat chilli peppers as a snack... they are insanely spicy, so I think that would mean she didn't taste the alcohol as others might.

Lets say they have overestimated how much was in the class. Say it was half the amount that's 40ml and 39.995ml more than a 12yo should be drinking!
I say this as someone who's fondest memory of my gran is her bringing me a hot chocolate with a shot of whiskey in when I had a bad cold aged 14-15 and who often gave my sister a drink of Bailey's on her way home from school when she was doing her a levels.

Any alcohol given without a person's knowledge is abusive. Any alcohol given to a minor and from someone in a position of power is abusive. 10ml 20, 40, 80.ml it doesn't matter it is wrong.

Absolutely barking mad behaviour by your mother.

aSs to why your DD wasn’t out cold on the floor … does your mum like drama? Is it possible it actually was watered down, or just a sip, or even something else … and your mum is just doubling down to get a reaction out of you?

Sounds like possibly dementia- it’s a very odd thing for a grandmother in her 70s to do.

I know that. I don't think anyone really thought sherry was alcoholic, I was only 10 at the time.

She sounds batshit, I'd be keeping my kids well away from her. Sake!

Not even telling your DD what she was drinking is probably the worst part in terms of long term damage. She broke DD's trust in her for her own amusement - why would DD believe granny wants what's best for her in future?

She'd have been as sick as a dog after that much neat Bacardi.

Someone is either lying (your mum saying it was neat to spite you) or confused with how much she drunk.

Either way it's a v v v shit thing of your mum to do.

I think maybe your mum is trying to wind you up/get a reaction out of you? My big hope is that she gave the child a drop of Bacardi with a mixer (maybe water) so there was enough to get her to gag and get her upset so that it in turn upset you. And she is carrying on the pretence by continuing to let you think she had 80ml of neat Bacardi. Is there a history of her doing things to purposely upset you?

At least I hope so anyway, because otherwise she is crazy and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near your children. I have strong taste buds and eat mustard by the spoonful/onions like they are apples but neat rum would make me gag and throw up. I cannot believe that a child’s first experience of drinking neat rum like it’s water wouldn’t make her throw up or fall over. Such a cruel thing to do regardless.

In the UK it’s legal for 5 to 17 year olds to drink alcohol at home or other private premises. Obviously not advisable!

She gave ethanol to a child. That’s harmful enough and I am no teetotaller.
Children shouldn’t drink alcohol and certainly not 40% spirits.

This is absolutely unacceptable. If I came across this through the course of my work I would be making a social services referral. You should be cutting all contact with her to protect your child. Even if your child did want the alcohol and knew what it was, it makes it no less inexcusable of your mother. The fact that she didn’t know means she was effectively spiked by your mother.
I would be also concerned about your mother’s health and questioning whether she has some cognitive deterioration, if this is type of grossly inappropriate behaviour is new for her.

Sure giving alcohol to a child is wrong, but you are being extremely dramatic, just say not to do it again and stop all this angst

Because it would inform my personal decision on whether or not I would call the police for assault, completely outside of the original question of whether to let her babysit again.

I heard from OP that a child was hurt and wanted to know how much protection she needed. Sorry for that I guess, I will just assume everything is fine in future and not worry about it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

What "habit"? She's not an alcoholic, quite the opposite. The alternative was that she'd have tried it anyway, in an environment full of peer pressure. There were no other friends. It was a shitty school, full of kids with parents who didn't give a shit what their kids got up to.

Point is that I know my daughter. I had a pretty good idea what the end result would be, and that's exactly how it turned out; like I said, she never drank another drop until she turned 18, and even since then she rarely gets drunk because she doesn't like the experience. The lesson was that if she felt she must drink, to know her limits, know when it stops being fun and drink responsibly, and she's never forgotten it.

Compare that to the rest of her friends group at the time - most of whom had been arrested while drunk at least once by the time they were 18. Thanks to her decision not to drink, she was never with them when they got into trouble.

Call it irresponsible if you like, but for my money...the results speak for themselves. I'm not saying that it's right for everybody, but it was right for her.

I think I’m quite lax about teenagers and alcohol but giving 12 year olds neat Bacardi is way off the scale. Totally irresponsible.

This sounds like abusive grooming into alcoholism. Totally beyond the pale.

absolutely don’t leaver her alone with your kids AND definitely don’t apologise.

if you can talk to your father, if not pull back.

wildly dangerous behaviour, she can’t be trusted.

No, that's a fair point Changington. I apologise for being snippy.

I feel sorry for people whose standards of what to expect re decent behaviour from others is so low, and even more for their kids.

I'm pushing 70 and a drinker but no way is this normal and speaking from my personal experience never, ever was.

OK, I had a sip of my grandad's beer when I was a small boy (revolting) and later on my Dad's rum (loved the taste but not the burning) but nobody ever gave me a shot of spirits and we've never done it to our children/grandchildren.

Your DM is bizarre.

Making a 12 year old down 80ml of neat bacardi is child abuse, not funny.

Essentially it's poison (as that's how alcohol works - it poisons your blood) so report her to the police?!?!?

I would not let your kids go anywhere near your mum again. She is deranged!