AIBU to think you don't give bacardi to 12 year olds?

[TalkingInTheKitchenAtParties]

AIBU to think that you don't give bacardi to 12 year olds? Their grandmother thinks that it is perfectly normal to do this and that it is completely acceptable and normal for her generation to do.

We visited my parents house at the weekend for lunch. Whilst I was feeding my youngest in a different room my mother decided to give my 12 year old the equivalent of 3 shots of neat bacardi (both my eldest daughters were in the room and I have since asked them separately to show me how much was in the glass). My 12 year old hadn't asked for it and wasn't even aware of what she was drinking.

As soon as I found out I went to talk to my mother who found it funny, claimed that she couldn't see that there was an issue, said I was over reacting, that it's a completely normal thing for her generation to do, laughing and rolling her eyes at me and not letting me speak. We ended up leaving. Our leaving was met by my mother shouting, storming off and slamming doors. My eldest was frightened by her grandmothers behaviour. I remained calm throughout, tbh i think I was in shock at what had happened. I have not heard from either my mother or father since Saturday. Whenever there is a falling out it is up to me to apologise regardless of who is at fault. I will not be apologising this time. This is different. This is my child she has hurt. I cannot see how I can ever trust her to look after my children again if she sees it as perfectly normal to give my child alcohol behind my back. Surely this isn't normal grandparent behaviour as she claims!

Did your mum give you alcohol to drink at the age of 12?

I probably had a drink or two at the age of 15 but can assure you my DM would have took me out if she'd have found out so she certainly wouldn't be giving any of my DC alcohol at that age.

On the other hand a family member used to let their DC smoke, not just cigarettes either from the age of 14 but they're then not worth the skin they were born in so it figures.

I'm glad at least she hasn't suffered any lasting physical damage, though the betrayal must be hard for her emotionally. 😔

If your child didn't know she was drinking alcohol then it meets the definition of her drink being spiked, which is of course illegal. You are 100% not being unreasonable.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/spiking-factsheet/spiking-factsheet

I have fond memories from around that age of having half a sherry glass of sherry with my nan on Sunday afternoon after a Sunday roast. But that was the 70s, attitudes were different and my parents knew, were present, and didn't mind as long as that was all it was.

Randomly gving a child a large quantity of spirit without them or their parent knowing is madness. And I agree, how can you trust her in future.

Bacardi is not for the afternoon.

Yanbu at all op. How did your daughter down the shots- she must have found the taste disgusting. Did she feel she had to keep downing them because granny was pressuring her? It’s a mad thing to do to give 3 neat shots of drink to a 12 year old- I can’t understand your mums logic here at all

I think this may be the answer to everything.

To clarify yes it was neat bacardi. Obviously I didn't see how much was in the glass but I separately asked both my daughters to pour some water into a similar glass so that I could see how much she was given. It was just under 80ml.

I'm surprised she drank it too. Even more surprised that she said it tasted nice but then she also will sit and eat chilli peppers for a snack. I'm also thinking that she'll have thought it was some kind of prank and not wanted to loose face in front of her older sister and grandmother.

I'm confused about how this all happened.
so your mum gave your daughter the equivalent of 3 shots of Bacardi neat in a glass and then told her to drink it?
what did your daughter think she was drinking?
was it presented as a dare?
was she encouraged to down it?
was your mum drinking Bacardi at the time?
i really struggle to visualise the context this all happened. Agree that I would have expected her to take a taste and then reject the rest.
it seems completely crazy and inappropriate behaviour by your mum.
I would be talking to your daughter about not drinking just anything she is given / told to, but sad for her as of all the people you would hope to trust, grandparents should be high up the list.

@JanetareyouokareyouokJanet

Bacardi is not for 12 years olds, full stop.

I'm amazed at how relaxed some people are being about this! Am I misreading? Was it a Bacardi Breezer?

Who are the people who voted that this was ok????

I'd be worried your mum has some form of dementia as this is far from normal behaviour for most (sober) grandparents, including her reaction to you being cross.

Do you have any other siblings you can discuss this with?

During the sixties when I would have been about 10, my aunt used to give me and my older brother, 13, a glass of sherry at Christmas. Nobody seemed to think it was strange.

Obviously giving a 12 year old Bacardi is not right and you should be annoyed.

But are you sure it was 100ml of neat spirits? I doubt any 12 year old would drink that amount of 40% alcohol, far less say they enjoyed it.

I wouldn't be against giving a 12yo alcohol on principle, but:

• It'd be for some kind of special occasion (party, Christmas day, New Year, etc)
• It would have to be discussed with the parent first
• It'd be limited to about 1 unit of alcohol (small glass of wine, or small bottle of beer), and probably less
• The child would have to be aware, and ideally it'd be accompanied by some mention of responsible drinking.

Giving the child a fairly large measure of spirits without the consent of either the child or parent is clearly wrong.

Is there something else going on here?

Appalling. Nobody should be given alcohol without their consent. Not least a 12y old girl? What kind of message does this send??

Was she not paralytic after? That is a lot of booze Jesus.

I think it needs a bit more investigation OP. It feels like there’s missing info, a 12 yo 40% white rum neat with only a bit of a funny tummy.

no slurring, wobbling, vomiting or crashing out?
was your mum doing a prank? Or it was a schnapps or something?

its beyond the realm of bizarre unsafe behaviour. That is SS levels of dangerous frankly

is there a possibility that she may be showing signs of dementia?

Your mother's behaviour is unhinged. I wouldn't be leaving my children alone with her

I understand the concept of gently introducing alcohol with meals in a responsible way, but 12 is young. And Bacardi? Neat spirits for a child?

Maybe a lager and lemonade, or a wine and soda (very weak) on special occasions with meals. My family do this. But there are also a few alcohol dependant adults in the family. But I was 14 when I first had alcohol, that was in the 90s.

This is dreadful, and I'm surprised your poor kid wasn't very unwell.

I have older teenagers and have a fairly relaxed attitude with alcohol but I would have been pretty pissed off at such a large measure of spirits (of all things! Not even cider or wkd) given to a child. Was it neat? Not mixed with lemonade? If not, props to your daughter for getting it down her without heaving!
Did your mum give you spirits at such a young age too?

The issue isn’t the Bacardi (though obviously that is not ok). The issue is that her mum is a narc who gaslights her and now her children are being dragged into her crazy behaviour. No op, you can’t trust your mum. And as much as you wish she’ll change she never will. You will always be the scapegoat. She will always be totally in the right. She will never say sorry. If you refuse to say sorry and wait for her to, it will never come.

What was the context of this? It doesn't make sense.

Why was it given, according to your mother and daughters?

Is this normal behaviour, within your family, in that people are regularly presented with neat spirits to drink, without asking on the average weekend afternoon?

Probably wouldn't have been shocked at Bacardi Breezer being offered or, if your mother was drinking and your daughter asked to try it but it seems like context is missing from your story.

The difference is that a) you knew you were drinking sherry, b) nobody seemed to mind, so your parents were presumably aware and c) the alcohol in a glass of sherry amounts to only about one-quarter of the alcohol in three or four shots of neat Bacardi.

OP, I come from a family where people are really relaxed about giving kids the odd taste of booze, but never in a million years would any of us think what your mother did was even remotely OK. Giving a child alcohol without their parents' knowledge is never OK, but tricking a child into drinking three shots of neat spirits is really appalling behaviour.