AIBU to think you don't give bacardi to 12 year olds?

[TalkingInTheKitchenAtParties]

AIBU to think that you don't give bacardi to 12 year olds? Their grandmother thinks that it is perfectly normal to do this and that it is completely acceptable and normal for her generation to do.

We visited my parents house at the weekend for lunch. Whilst I was feeding my youngest in a different room my mother decided to give my 12 year old the equivalent of 3 shots of neat bacardi (both my eldest daughters were in the room and I have since asked them separately to show me how much was in the glass). My 12 year old hadn't asked for it and wasn't even aware of what she was drinking.

As soon as I found out I went to talk to my mother who found it funny, claimed that she couldn't see that there was an issue, said I was over reacting, that it's a completely normal thing for her generation to do, laughing and rolling her eyes at me and not letting me speak. We ended up leaving. Our leaving was met by my mother shouting, storming off and slamming doors. My eldest was frightened by her grandmothers behaviour. I remained calm throughout, tbh i think I was in shock at what had happened. I have not heard from either my mother or father since Saturday. Whenever there is a falling out it is up to me to apologise regardless of who is at fault. I will not be apologising this time. This is different. This is my child she has hurt. I cannot see how I can ever trust her to look after my children again if she sees it as perfectly normal to give my child alcohol behind my back. Surely this isn't normal grandparent behaviour as she claims!

The OP says.... "It obviously wasn't a line of shots, like I've said it was in a glass, a couple of big gulps and it was gone."

But I agree with there being something very strange about a 12 year old who isn't used to alcohol, drinking a couple of big gulps of neat spirits.

I'm in my 50s, love a Bacardi and Coke but there's no way on God's earth I could take even one gulp without a mixer.

Captain obvious here, but isn't it illegal to provide alcohol to minors? Completely bonkers behaviour in any case!

This is how my mother has always acted and I’ve only recently realised that she’s a narcissist or has EUPD (they’re pretty similar). It’s constant drama and hard work but if you don’t extend the energy to nip the behaviour in the bud, it escalates. Don’t apologise to her….it sets a really bad example to your DC and after this unacceptable behaviour I think you should be keeping your distance. I’ve always found my mum more difficult if others are involved because she’ll try to divide and rule and wreck everyone’s relationships. When she’s being rational she doesn’t want this, but someone with a PD will say anything to protect their self image. The amount of alcohol is completely irrelevant. The only acceptable amount of alcohol in this situation is zero.

She’s 85 now and her I think she’s in the early stages of dementia. Her behaviour has become worse. This sort of behaviour isn’t easy for a person with normal parents to understand and you’d be better off visiting the Stately Homes thread. Also have a little look at Dr Ramani on YouTube.

My ds aged 3 picked up the mustard spoon before I could stop him and swallowed a mouthful of mustard.
I thought he would scream.
He just laughed.
We're all different.

Expend I mean

I wondered if it was watered down but my mother said not. Her sister is only just 14 so still a child herself and in no way responsible for the actions of a 74 year old especially given that she also didn't know it was bacardi/alcohol.
I don't understand how she could drink it and I'm literally driving myself up the wall trying to make sense of it. My mother says it was neat, even after she knew I was upset. Both my daughters have shown me separately how much was in the glass. I just don't get it.

Surprisingly, it isn't. Maybe to under 5s but otherwise not.

When growing up, my friends and I were given one Babycham or Cinzano /Martini heavily diluted with lemonade at neighbourhood parties since the age of 9 or 10. However 3 shots worth of neat Barcardi is another level and not acceptable.though not really a safeguarding issue for a 12 year old to have a small Prosecco at a party

Thank you so much for saying this. My daughter will happily sit and eat hot chilli peppers. Maybe she doesn't have many taste buds, who knows! Maybe that's why she wasn't bothered by the taste.

And did he go back for another couple of spoonfulls?

If so, then that's similar to the OP's daughter.

If not then it clearly isn't.

OP, I was given neat spirits at parties when I was about your DD's age. I remember enjoying the taste and not getting ill. I also liked hot spices, and loved olives too, which many children don't. We're all different, as the PP says.

Absolutely. My DM used to tell the story of my brother, aged about two, reaching over and grabbing a very full teaspoon full of hot horseradish sauce. Like you she couldn't get to him in time to intervene and thought he'd be in bits. He swallowed it all, looked thoughtful for a minute and went back for more.

We are, indeed, all different.

100 ml of neat Bacardi and DD’s only reaction was “it tasted nice?”
DD must be a regular Bacardi drinker. DD and nan must share a drop often.

My thoughts exactly. Is your Num unwell? Any other odd behaviours?

A glass of sherry at Christmas is totally different to 3 hits of nest rum in a random day. Can't you see that?

People are ridiculous. Making out the girl is a seasoned Bacardi drinker. The lengths people go to to belittle an OP is amusing.

Wait a minute, your other DD is 14 and she didn’t say anything to Granny or her sister? I suppose she doesn’t know what alcohol smells or looks like either?
This gets more and more peculiar…

I went to the shop next door and bought one of every kind of alcohol. All she did was have a bit of each one, the idea being that she could decide for herself what she liked and didn't like, because her "friends" at school were being absolutely brutal in making fun of her because she'd never had a drink before.

Most things, she just had a sip of and decided it wasn't for her, and we stopped as soon as she called time on it.

She really only had enough to be merry (and I made sure she ate enough to offset any real ill effects, and also made sure she wasn't getting absolutely blotted), but she had a bit of a headache and felt a bit woolly the next day and pretty much permanently associated the two.

In case you don't know, it doesn't take much for a 13yr old to get a hangover. In terms of units, she certainly had less than 6 in total.

I have not read all the comments. Did your mum do something similar when you were young? Is this behaviour out of character? Do think she showing early signs of something like dementia?

I think your lack of reading comprehension is also peculiar! My 14 year old didn't see the bottle of bacardi and neither did she sniff her sisters drink, who sniffs other peoples drinks?! But yeah of course she's the one at fault.

This is massive out of order, not just because she's a child. Spiking anyone's drink is a awful thing to do. The fact it was some one your dd trusts makes it so much worse. I would be very low contact after this and they wouldn't be left alone with.your.mum

Who on earth even gets out a bottle of Bacardi at lunchtime anyway?! Let alone pours some for a child to drink!! Super strange and totally unacceptable.

She gave me her mostly empty glass of wine when I was 2 thinking I'd spit it out. I didn't, I downed it and couldn't walk straight. She still finds that funny and also still can't believe that I drank it. I am the one at fault as obviously at 2 I should have spat it out. No other incidents where alcohol have been involved since and that was over 40 years ago.
I've thought about dementia but there's no other signs.

Dreadful behaviour by your mother, if she doesn't contact you, can you just let the distance grow and don't contact her?

I thought dementia too till you said she gave you wine when you were 2 and thinks it's funny that you drank it - that's not a funny family story, and perhaps she remembered it and decided it would be fun to repeat with your daughter.

Your dad can reach out to you without her listening in on the other phone if he needs to. Try not to let him or your mother guilt you into brushing her behaviour under the carpet.

That's incredibly irresponsible.You are feeding and condoning the habit.What you should be doing is telling her to go get with other friends who understand that drinking at 13 is not okay! Not going and buying her alcohol to 'fit in'!
Far too many permissive parents around nowadays trying to be 'cool' when they need to put their foot down, and it makes the responsible parents and protected kids the minority when they should be majority!