AIBU to think you don't give bacardi to 12 year olds?

[TalkingInTheKitchenAtParties]

AIBU to think that you don't give bacardi to 12 year olds? Their grandmother thinks that it is perfectly normal to do this and that it is completely acceptable and normal for her generation to do.

We visited my parents house at the weekend for lunch. Whilst I was feeding my youngest in a different room my mother decided to give my 12 year old the equivalent of 3 shots of neat bacardi (both my eldest daughters were in the room and I have since asked them separately to show me how much was in the glass). My 12 year old hadn't asked for it and wasn't even aware of what she was drinking.

As soon as I found out I went to talk to my mother who found it funny, claimed that she couldn't see that there was an issue, said I was over reacting, that it's a completely normal thing for her generation to do, laughing and rolling her eyes at me and not letting me speak. We ended up leaving. Our leaving was met by my mother shouting, storming off and slamming doors. My eldest was frightened by her grandmothers behaviour. I remained calm throughout, tbh i think I was in shock at what had happened. I have not heard from either my mother or father since Saturday. Whenever there is a falling out it is up to me to apologise regardless of who is at fault. I will not be apologising this time. This is different. This is my child she has hurt. I cannot see how I can ever trust her to look after my children again if she sees it as perfectly normal to give my child alcohol behind my back. Surely this isn't normal grandparent behaviour as she claims!

My first thoughts were dementia. Is she showing any other signs of personality changes/ strange behaviour or has she always had a warped sense of humour.
I would be drunk on that amount of Bacardi! Your poor daughter .

It must have been 80mls of Bacardi Breezer if the child said it tasted nice and didn't immediately vomit.

I’m struggling a bit with the notion that a 12yr old DD could down three shots of neat Bacardi and not be very drunk/ill.

I also find it incredibly hard to believe that a 12 yr old unfamiliar with alcohol enjoyed the taste of neat spirits so much that they were able to drink a large quantity and describe it as “nice”.

I think something has been lost in translation here between what happened and what the DC are describing.

But that’s the issue isn’t it?! Your DM didn’t tell you what she was doing and you’ve got no idea what your DD was given. Completely unacceptable- and even small amounts of alcohol like a small Prosecco on special occasions should be run past you first.

I introduced my daughter to alcohol at the age of 13, but it was specifically done as an introduction so she knew what to expect (her friends were all drinking by then), and I'd rather her first experience of alcohol was under controlled conditions. For what it's worth, she hated the hangover and (genuinely) didn't drink another drop until her 18th birthday.

Your mother seriously screwed up here. There's absolutely no excuse for giving anybody alcohol without them being aware of it, no matter the age, and parental consent is definitely a thing that should've been requested.

I say that as someone who grew up with one side of the family being Italian, so we were drinking wine - in a civilised, very-non-British manner - from around 8-9yrs old.

My dad used to give me the odd shot when I had a cold. I hated it and it obviously did nothing. It's a generational thing but so are many dangerous things. She's also your child not hers, so regardless of whether she thinks it's okay- if you don't, then it's not.
1 shot I'd have been annoyed and asked not to do again but 3 would make me livid.

No, definitely proper bacardi. I saw the bottle. My mother confirmed it was neat.

Bloody hell!!! That’s a LOT of alcohol for an adult who’s used to drinking. I hope your child is okay 👌

I'm assuming that your daughter was unable to drink the whole lot, because if she had she would have been very drunk and vomited.

Your mother is mental, and unless there is a history of abusive behaviour like this hidden under the label of "it was only a joke", then I would assume she was beginning to lose her marbles, which might explain the very angry reaction (defensiveness, placing the blame on you for being unreasonable, when she knows she massively fucked up without realising it at the time).

Keep you distance, I guess? Is your father in the picture to talk to?

To everyone querying the amount of bacardi given .... I obviously can't confirm exactly how much was given as I didn't see. My mother wouldn't say how much. Both my daughters were in the room when it happened so when we got home I separately asked each of them to put the amount in a glass. I put it in a measuring jug and it was just under 80ml. I'm not sure how else I.can estimate how much it was. My daughter also said it was a few mouthfuls. To confirm I saw the bottle and it was definitely bacardi, not a breezer. My mother also confirmed it wasn't mixed with anything. I also cannot believe she wasn't sick though she did feel ill.

Props to a child for managing to drink neat spirits?

This whole 'praising people for 'handling their booze'' cultural thing is really disturbing. That isn't something to give props for. That poor girl. She must have felt forced in some way, no child would willingly drink that amount of something that tastes that foul without pressure.

Giving a 12-year-old grandchild neat spirits seems insane to me. Not asking the parent when she's just in the next room then laughing about it breaks all sorts of boundaries.

Are you prepared to loose contact with your parents over this, though? If not, would they listen if you or a sibling explained your opinion then just all move on from it?

Far from normal and dangerous

Quite odd tbh.
My parents let us have alcohol with meals.
Not near shots though.
I think it stopped the rush to drink at 18.
I've barely drunk alcohol by comparison to others.
I wouldnt leave your DC with her though.
3 is far too much.

Yeah. I think this was a sip. Still wrong. But there's just no way a twelve year old would imbibe that much of such a foul liquid their first time trying it, and then be okay afterwards. It isn't possible.

I had my first drink at thirteen, it was shots of vodka. The first shot I was very tipsy, the second I was hammered, the third I was literally on the floor throwing up after an hour and barely aware of where I was. That's a normal response from a kid.

If she had truly drank that much you'd have taken her to the hospital to be checked over. That's pretty dangerous.

So both my daughters are lying about how much my 12 year old was given? They knew I wasn't pleased, if anything I would have expected them to underestimate how much she was given so that their grandmother wouldn't be in as much trouble.

Who on earth are the 4% who voted to say they think this is ok??

I mean, the dd can't have hated it that much if she went back for another 2 shots! I am laughing at the 'poor innocent dd didn't know what she was doing,' line....unless you mean she didn't know exactly what type of alcohol it was, rather than didn't understand it was alcoholic at all.

That's not to say it was her fault, it's a really weird thing for grandma to do. Sneak her a glass of wine during a party, maybe understandable (not really ideal at 12 though!), randomly giving her shots of 40% proof rum in the afternoon...while her mum is feeding a baby next door....just really odd!

The only other alternative if your kid really didn't seem hammered after is that they estimated terribly, or your mum played an awful prank on them. Perhaps putting a drop of bacardi in, the rest water, and pretending it was neat. Who knows? I wouldn't be seeing her again regardless if you believe she gave your child alcohol.

I'm afraid I'm old fashioned enough to think giving a 12 year old spirits is very, very wrong.

Well this all seems rather…odd.

I can’t believe a child would drink 3! 3 shots of neat Bacardi without saying “eww no thanks granny”. I mean where the hell was the coke?

How on earth did your daughter manage to even get more than a tiny amount into her mouth? Neat rum would burn.

It obviously wasn't a line of shots, like I've said it was in a glass, a couple of big gulps and it was gone. Yes it tasted funny and she didn't want to make a fuss in front of her grandmother or sister. She's never been given alcohol before so no reason for her to suspect that's what it was. I've no idea how she wasn't sick though she felt ill.

what? Its resoundingly obvious.