To not want to share my inheritance equaly

[Anonymouslyasking]

My half brother who I love dearly wants me to share my inheritance with him, he says my mum told him she would share it half half. That's not what she told me. Mum had passed away so we can't clarify now.
He received an inheritance from his mum that he didn't share.

I'm happy to give him a share but I feel half is too much. I don't want yo fall out with him but I feel it's unfair. AIBU?

I guess the issue is that i have is that I have very little family left, I love him dearly and I'm scared he won't be in my life if I don't give in

This makes me really sad. I have no birth family left either so I totally get it but this is blackmail pure and simple isnt it?- you are giving him money out of fear and to buy his love. Thats not right. That means he'll only love you if you give him money. You cannot buy love like that and what happens if he rips through it all and then asks for more? what if the price of him being in your life goes up to 75%?

Where does it end?

Her mum left her nothing, she inherited from her Gran, her mum passed away first.

Unless this is stated in a will, this doesn't matter. He may be telling the truth or he may be chancing it. How big is your inheritance compared to the one he got? That might be somewhat telling.

Thank you, when you put it like that I see that it's not right for me to give it to him out of fear of abandonment.

It's about 20x what he got

... I love him dearly and I'm scared he won't be in my life if I don't give in.

If he loves you dearly and wants to remain in your life he won't let this affect your relationship.

Also you say it's a life changing sum of money, but you said mum was a waster so maybe your GP would have never left the money to her in case she wasted it. Maybe it was always going directly to you.

And that last post says a lot Op. Sorry you have lost both your mum and gran in what sounds like a short time, and that your dad has his own issues.

But thr truth is, if your brother needs the sweetener of cash to stay in your life a) why would you want him ? And b) what’s to say he will hang around after he gets it ? Unless he comes back for more.

It’s really unseemly / grabby of your mum to have ever had such a conversation - how she would share your grans money out . Does that actually sound like something she would have done, and why ?

My advice would be to pause. There is no rush. He is not owed this money. There is no will so the money would be a gift from you. So, said gift can wait 6 months while you get your head around whether or not you want to share it.

I'd do something like that. I think I'd take into account what children are involved but it would depend how close I was to my nephews or nieces. Only the OP can decide what the percentage could be.

It be good if there was a reason for the amount. For example the cost of a two bed flat in your area or whatever. I wouldn't give the reason to the brother but would use it for myself, then I'd give him a percentage that would cover it.

I would definitely make it clear that I'd taken external,advice and that the offer is a 'take it or leave it' offer and that it's not open to negotiation. I'd potentially get the offer drawn up by solicetors just to help convey the message that the matter has been carefully considered and to try and take as much of the emotion out of the situation as possible.

Also, OP, I'd suggest that you don't do anything for a few weeks, have a think about what you are doing. There is no right answer.

Op, let’s say you give him 25%. I don’t think he’ll stop there. Later, it’ll be ‘any chance of a few quid more?’ and ‘I’ll borrow and pay you back’. You’ll give out in good faith, and never see a penny back. It may not be his intention now, but if you give him a penny of this money, it will plant an idea in his mind whenever he is strapped for cash. Within a few years, he will have taken the lot. You must not bend in this at all.

@Anonymouslyasking I'd give him half what your mother left you.
I wouldn't give him any of what your grandmother left you.

There's no guarantee he'll stay in your life even if you do give him what he wants. How will you cope then, if he walks away with half of your grandparents' estate that they left to you and only you? If you don't give him anything, you'll either have him in your life still because he values and appreciates you for yourself, or you won't see him for dust because it was all about the money.

I'm guessing that because he didn't have those family feelings and we-should-all-share thoughts when he inherited from his family, he is choosing to apply them now when there's a chance he'll gain something, anything, from you. Sorry.

I'd tell him 25% or nothing. His decision.

Yep 👍

Whilst I wholeheartedly agree he can go fuck himself… putting it this way to him might come across a bit better!

swayingpalmtree
"I guess the issue is that i have is that I have very little family left, I love him dearly and I'm scared he won't be in my life if I don't give in"

This makes me really sad. I have no birth family left either so I totally get it but this is blackmail pure and simple isnt it?- you are giving him money out of fear and to buy his love. Thats not right. That means he'll only love you if you give him money. You cannot buy love like that and what happens if he rips through it all and then asks for more? what if the price of him being in your life goes up to 75%?

Where does it end?

I'm not sure about this. I think you can turn it in its head. If you were the brother in this it's not surprising that you would feel sad that your sister "who loves you dearly" wouldn't share any of their huge inheritance with you. He might be thinking that it looks like the OP cares more about her money than him.

So he thinks he's due the money because of your mums mistreatment of him and is threatening to "cancel" you if you don't give him exactly half of the money? He's basically emotionally blackmailing you into handing over monies from a family member he's not blood related to? Without anything directly in writing in a will I dont think you should do this. I doubt you'd see him anyway after any cash is handed over. He seems to value the money over any relationship you may have shared previously.

Sorry OP he doesn't feel the same way about you. If he did, he wouldn't be harassing you.
He's going to 'abandon' you anyway. If you give him the money the only difference that it'll make is that you'll lose both him and it.

It hurts, but ..
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Yes, the full saying is the exact opposite of the common quote, for a reason!

Surround yourself with those who genuinely love you, not this CF.

I'm not sure about this. I think you can turn it in its head. If you were the brother in this it's not surprising that you would feel sad that your sister "who loves you dearly" wouldn't share any of their huge inheritance with you. He might be thinking that it looks like the OP cares more about her money than him

No no no. He's not thinking it. He's ASKING for it and he's telling her, that her mother "promised" it to him despite absolutely no evidence of this. Does that really sound to you like a brother who "loves her dearly" because it doesnt to me. It sounds like a money grabbing ploy from someone who knows full well he can emotionally manipulate her. Its not even her mum's money- its her grandparents money

OP, just to mirror what some of the more recent posters have said, you shouldn't need to buy someone's love.

It's awful that you have ended up in this situation of having minimal family left, but your half brother won't be satisfied with anything less than 50% and to be quite frank he is owed nothing.

Your grandparents have nothing to do with how your parents treated him. You need to take that money and forge a better life for yourself. Perhaps invest some of it into therapy so that you can improve your emotional resilience (I'm not trying to be snarky here, but I worry that you are willing to try and release money to your half brother purely to try and keep a relationship alive, I think maybe that's something you need to talk to someone about, and I mean that with kindness).

I'm sure he feels like the money equates to love. I spend my life giving him whatever he asked for to make up for the treatment he got from my mum.
But this feels like too much

She’s offering him 25%, hardly nothing. I wonder did he think to even give the OP even a few hundred from his inheritance from his own Mum - you know, a brother just wanting to treat his sister ????

I wonder did he think to even give the OP even a few hundred from his inheritance from his own Mum - you know, a brother just wanting to treat his sister ????

Exactly. It's funny how if he loves her dearly he did not share his own inheritance. Isnt that strange?!

I think you need to get the bald facts straight in your head, before making any decisions. I think you're trying to do this on this thread, but you have too many people chipping in and you're trying to keep things vague too. It won't work.

I think you should spend some time and money talking to a solicitor. Pay for 2 hours of advice. It'll cost a few hundred quid. Get it right in your head. Get the factual situation clear, get the legal situation clear, talk through your wishes and concerns. A good estates and will solicitor will advise you on the legal side of things, but also listen and advise on the familial aspect. They're used to it.

And fgs make sure you've got your own will drawn up, just as you want it. None of us know what tomorrow holds. You've got this money now, you need to be careful with it.

Exactly!
Also @WhizzWoman you're missing the nuance here.
People who love their family will want to help/treat them. That's OK to expect. Paying for a family holiday, helping a struggling sibling, etc. If I won the lottery I'd certainly take everyone away, give my nieces a bit to help with the house deposit. It's sad to not have any of that.

But it's extremely grabby and entitled to expect a huge chunk of cash simply handed over!

In both cases btw it's not OK to demand anything. Money doesn't equal love. And he certainly didn't even buy her dinner when he got his inheritance!

Thank you I have actually started therapy to work on my people pleasing issue. I was the peacemaker in my family and always tried to pacify everyone at all cost. But it's taken its toll.

The brother hasn't said he would cancel the OP though.
The OP has said she definitely wants to give home something just that she is unsure of the amount. The brother is pushing it by saying he expects half though.
I think 20% or 25% sounds about right.