To not want to share my inheritance equaly

[Anonymouslyasking]

My half brother who I love dearly wants me to share my inheritance with him, he says my mum told him she would share it half half. That's not what she told me. Mum had passed away so we can't clarify now.
He received an inheritance from his mum that he didn't share.

I'm happy to give him a share but I feel half is too much. I don't want yo fall out with him but I feel it's unfair. AIBU?

Wrong. Only 0% is right.
For this level of demanding and emotional blackmail.
Don't give in OP.

@WhizzWoman Do you not think its odd that he didnt share his inheritance with the OP? why do you think that was if family was so important to him and he loves her so much......

This

@ExPostFacto The OP has said she definitely wants to share some of the money though. She loves her brother dearly.

Op, you would have to be an absolute fucking fool to give him anything. This is not his money in any way, shape or form. He has no claim to it whatsoever. Don't even consider giving him YOUR money.

Well OP his mum didn't raise you so you got no inheritance from her and equally I'm assuming your grandparents did not raise your step brother so the same applies.

I'd bet everything I own that if the boot was on the other foot you'd not see a penny and probably wouldn't be asking either.

My brother is not a bad person, he's wounded and unresolved.

He's also very materialistic. And we have difficult brother-sister dynamics.
I do feel that with everything, it's been what's his is his and what's mine is ours.

Sounds like he's trying it on because there wasn't a will. He can say what he likes about what your mum said, as it wasn't written down so he's trying his luck!

I would say your mum told you it was for you and he got inheritance from his mum that he didn't share so why should you!

But not enough of a family for him to have felt any obligation to share his inheritance with you? It sounds very one way.

This is your inheritance from your grandmother - not from your mother/his step mother. The fact that your waster parents were discussing what to do with your grandmother's money 20 years ago and promising him a chunk of it is irrelevant - it was never their money to give and his claims about promises are as meaningless as if they had promised him the winning lottery ticket.

If you want to give him a share because you feel you want to share then that is good enough.

However you feel under pressure because he is demanding your grandmother's money and will abandon you if you don't hand it over. That suggests he isn't quite the brother you wish anyway and giving him money won't buy that relationship, however much you hope for it.

🙄 Woman up. If your Mum wanted him to have her money then she'd have left him some. She didn't. He didn't give you a share of his inheritance - but he knows you're scared of falling out with him so you're an easy touch.

And I didn't expect any money when his mum died, yes if the roles were reversed I probably wouldn't get anything... I also wouldn't ask as I find it hard to do so

@Anonymouslyasking - what relationship did your stepbrother have with your grandmother, as that’s the real issue. If he didn’t talk to your mother for 20 years, but was visiting granny every week/month with cake and flowers; sending Mother’s Day cards; birthday and Xmas presents… then perhaps he’d reasonably expect to be remembered by your grandma.

If he didn’t see her at all and didn’t have a good relationship and also wasn’t a blood relation then I don’t think he should expect anything.

Either way, in your situation, I’d privately get legal advice and then let it be known that you’ve misunderstood the situation. That the money isn’t there, or is tied up by debts/probate/annuities/investments… so you get a small amount of interest from it, but no lump sum.

See how keen he is on a relationship when there is no money…

Obviously it affects how you’d be able to spend your inheritance in the short term, (but at least you’d still have it!) and you’d find out if he wants a relationship with you or just reconnected for the money.

lottery winners have the same situation I believe, where fair weather friends take advantage of them, so this says nothing about you as a person.

Also - ignore your mum in the situation, as you’ve said she was still with your dad who had debts, so ‘if’ she’d inherited then the money would have been spent on care homes; debts; their living expenses.

Sadly, I think that tells you all you need to know. If your mother didn't let you know of her wishes, knowing you were the automatic recipient of the estate without a will then I think we can safely assume that he may not be telling the truth.

I understand that he didn’t share his inheritance with you which is understandable as you would have not had any relationship with him.

Your Mum passed away before your Gran so at this point - Your mum had no assets to be shared amongst you, half brother or Dad.

Your Gran - Had she made a change to her Will which meant her assets would be forward to you now that they wouldn’t be passed to your Mum? Or have the assets been passed to you by default.

If your Gran had altered her Will for all assets to go to you - Then she’s made a choice not to include half brother so it would be your decision if you wanted to make a gesture to him.

If she hadn’t altered her Will and you’ve inherited by default - What relationship did your Gran have with your half brother? Did she have any relationships at all? If he didn’t have a relationship with your Gran - Then your in the same position where you didn’t have a relationship with his mum which is why he didn’t split his inheritance with you (which was the right decision) but how can he challenge your decision if he had no relationship with your Gran as the assets never belonged to your mum so she couldn’t share half of nothing.

I think you’re worried about the impact on the relationship you have with half brother and family unit but this isn’t a reason to bullied into sharing an inheritance.

The amount of inheritance does play a factor as in if you could change the lives for you, your half brother and Dad - Would you not want to help them all?

However he has no claim and shouldn’t have had a disagreement or expected anything as your Mum didn’t have anything to share as she passed before she had the inheritance. His response has been very unhealthy and due to that I be more inclined to say I was kind to offer you 25% which you’ve declined so I’ll withdraw the gesture.

You've mentioned sharing with Brother - What about your Dad?

Maybe you re suggest 12.5% to Brother and Dad and if they unhappy withdraw from further discussion about it.

I do feel that with everything, it's been what's his is his and what's mine is ours

This is exactly why you should not give him any. This is a very one sided selfish attitude of his.

OP- please go and speak with your therapist and try to untangle all this before you do anything. There is no rush here and it would be healthy for you to un-knot all of these feelings before you make any decisions that cannot be reversed. x

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you sound like a pushover. That's why he's coming after you. He thinks he can gaslight you into giving him half of your money.

This isn’t your mother’s money. At no point did it belong to your mother or your father. It’s your Grandmother’s money.

He does get a say in it. If you want to give him a gift that’s your choice, but he will likely ask for more.

If your parents were both wasters I can’t image there would have been much left if it had gone to your mother first. You’d probably have both ended up with nothing.

Do what is right by your Grandmother, not anyone else.

OP- please go and speak with your therapist and try to untangle all this before you do anything. There is no rush here and it would be healthy for you to un-knot all of these feelings before you make any decisions that cannot be reversed. x

100% this. The best piece of advice I got after my father died was there is no rush. You don't need to do anything right now.

So, OP the facts are:

You have a half brother who you love very much.

You both share a father, who is still alive. Both of you brought up by your mum and dad. But your DB's relationship with your mum was not good and they haven't spoken for last 20 years.

When your DB's mum died he received an inheritance from her which he didn"t share with you. But you didn't expect to share so no problem.

Your mum has recently died, but did not have anything to leave anyone.

Your grandmother then died soon after, and you have inherited a significant amount from her.

Your DB is now saying that you should give him half because if it had been left to your mum, he would have received half of it. Because your mum told him so before she stopped talking to him for 20 years?

You can see that your brother is lying, right? Plus whatever your brother is saying it is also irrelevant, as you did not inherit from your mum, you inherited from your grandmother.

You can love your DB, but it does not stop him from being a scheming, despicable brother.

Being as nice as you sound, you would have given your brother something, unasked, despite his actions with his inheritance from his own mother.

However, given the immense pressure he is exerting on you, you need to take a step back and look at your brother and realise he is no DB. He is using spurious, unfounded reasons to try and grab half your inheritance. For that reason alone, do not give him 25% at all. If he threatens to abandon your relationship, tell him bye, bye then. Believe me, he is showing you his true face, so take note and ask yourself, would you tolerate such behaviour from your best friend? If not don't tolerate it from him.

OP,
It sounds like you are really beating yourself up,about this. It seems like you don't want to share any of the money but that there is an annoying bit of your conscience that is telling you the right thing to do is to share.

There isn't a right answer so you are just going to have to make a decision. Although it would be a big mistake to rush the decision.

Personally, I'd share some of the money, maybe somewhere between 10 and 25% and I'd not be swayed by what he says or how I think he would respond. I'd do what I think was the 'right' thing to do and then accept that I have no control over his reaction to it.

OP we all have our traumas. But if we truly love someone we don't take it out on them.
You cannot light yourself on fire to keep your brother warm you will burn out.
I understand you feel responsible for him, but you are your own person.

I absolutely want to give him something as I've said all through, I feel half is too much. I want to give him 25%
It's going to be a big chunk of money, enough to buy a place outright.
But he won't be satisfied with that

So you've spent your life giving him whatever be asked for... and it's still not good enough for him.

He's playing you OP! Sorry 😞

I do feel that with everything, it's been what's his is his and what's mine is ours

Op, I know you love him and you see him as a wounded animal. It is not your job to make him whole however. You need to take off your rose-tinted specs as he sounds like a Flash Harry and a spiv to me!

Thank you, I know you're right. He won't see it this way but I need to do what's right for me.