To not want to share my inheritance equaly

[Anonymouslyasking]

My half brother who I love dearly wants me to share my inheritance with him, he says my mum told him she would share it half half. That's not what she told me. Mum had passed away so we can't clarify now.
He received an inheritance from his mum that he didn't share.

I'm happy to give him a share but I feel half is too much. I don't want yo fall out with him but I feel it's unfair. AIBU?

Ha you’re right there! He’s not a legal relative so even there he has no entitlement at all.

I’m also betting the grandmother had the measure of this man, because if she’d wanted to (not that she had to at all because he’s not a blood or even by marriage relative) she could have left him a bequest in her will. Sensible grandma.

@Hatty65 @Rec0veringAcademic Because she has stated repeatedly that she wants to give some money to her brother. And since it's her money she has every right to, even if legally and morally she doesn't have to.

Please don't give him any % of it.
If he decides to go off in a huff because you don't give him 50%, good riddance.
If your gran wanted some of her money to go to him, she could have made a will and put that in writing. I think you should keep it for your kids. If you choose to buy your brother a gift or two, or take him on holiday, using some of the money, that shoudl be because you want to 'treat' him, not because he's blackmailing you// exploiting your good nature.

You have 4 kids? Then you should be thinking about them.

say it was £1m. I’d be giving each child £100k and your brother £100k (and that’s being VERY generous

So sorry for your loss, If you want to give him something that is entirely up to you but by law he isn't entitled to a penny of it.

It’s not his word against yours op. Your grandma made a will and laid it all out in black and white, and it’s her money. In his position you would never demand half. I think set 10% aside and say I’ve been thinking, and the more you insist the more I think I don’t have to compensate to you for our parents , you wouldn’t be doing any compensating the other way around, you have never put yourself out for me. I have 4 children and a responsibility to provide for them and you’ve not once even acknowledged that. Whatever mum said, this inheritance is from my grandma. I’ve set aside 10% of it for you because you’re my brother and I love you, but i am of two minds to give it to you. You will hate me if I do and hate me if I don’t and let’s be honest never ever support me in any way.

he will disappear from your life either way op, or he will just keep trying to mooch money off you. Neither is love. Work on that with your therapist and stop taking his calls while you do.

One thing you mentioned was that your dad has diminished capacity and you are going to make sure he is cared for. I hope your half brother is also contributing. If not let your brother know that you will need the money for his father's care.

If your mum raised him, and you care about him, I can understand you wanting to give him some OP. But certainly not as much as half. If you do, I think you need to give him what YOU think is right - and then draw a line under it, whether he's grateful or ungrateful, saves it or blows it, etc.

I do think it's relevant that you have kids and he doesn't. My nan left some money to each of the grandkids, separately to her own kids, and my mum wants to do the same. In this situation the families with more kids get more in total, but it's to cover more people. I think it's right to want to do the right thing for your kids and yourself as well as for your brother.

Good luck with your decision.

Why would you give him any? It’s not his mum!

It’s neither here nor there what she apparently said. If she actually wanted to leave him half, she would have made a will and left him half. But she didn’t. I think you probably WILL fall out with him over this but that’s down to him, not you.

@Anonymouslyasking

Why don't you think of it this way... you get 25%, he gets 25% with the other 50% going directly to your children (in trust) then it can be easily seen as a 'fair' split. He's lucky you're giving him that to be fair! If he doesn't agree to that I would tell him he can have nothing then!

do you have any sort of relationship with your half brother? If you see each other and get on then give him an amount that YOU feel is right and tell him that will be it. If you don’t have any sort of relationships and he’s just reappeared recently then just don’t give him any. You inherited the money from your grandmother which is nothing to do with him at all.

Also I think I must have missed the point where you offered 25% and he said no?!! This is a “set up for life” 25% and not enough for him?

110% cheeky fucking bastard. (I don’t swear much on here but blood boiling on your behalf).

No, not a penny, not even one. I don’t think a single court in the world would consider his claim but there are better legal MN who can advise on that.

He’s taking the piss! If she wanted it shared equally she would have included him, surely?

also, how is your mum related to him? He had his own mum who left him an inheritance, ffs.

Great reply.

Why do you want to give him anything? Half is a lot, and he’s not entitled to it. It belonged to your maternal grandma. Wise up, Op!

😂😂 quite

If you did give him 50% you may never see him again.
If you give him 0% you may never see him again

You can't buy people. You can use money to wield power over them, but once it leaves you hands you have no control.
If you have so much spare, then you can afford to loss the money & control.

So if you do give him anything you need to be very comfortable with the idea that's the last time you see him.
Unless he turns up wanting more money.

Personally I would use that money to try and raise your children well and set them up for happy lives. They may not thank you in the future that you gave away.

I think it's impossible to us to advise, your posts are odd, and it's hard to know whether you do actually owe him and your writing it in a way that makes us all think that you don't do you can refuse him.

Yes basically, he says she told him that when she inherited from my gran she would give him half

Well whether she did or didn't say that is irrelevant. Your mother never lived to inherit from her own mother. She was promising half of something that was never hers. He has has an inheritance from his own mother. Give him a gift if you like, depending on how much you have to splash around. But he is not entitled to anything here.

You are equal, really
He was the beneficiary of his mothers family inheritance
And you are the beneficiary of inheritance from your mothers family
Both of you will at some point in time share an inheritance from your father
The fact that the inheritances from your mothers families were not the same is nobody's fault, and there is no mechanism or obligation, legally or morally to make them 'fair' in his eyes.

I think I would have to explain it to him that way - that you have received money not from your mother but from your mothers family, e.g. it was earned and saved by your grandparents and left to their descendants (you as grandchild and their great grandchildren). Did you have a good relationship with your grandmother? did she know her great grandchildren? - you could soften the blow by saying that any distribution you are making of your inheritance to your children (or held in trust for them) is to honor her expressed wishes in securing their futures with the money she left you. Your late mothers wishes, however and whenever expressed are not relevant as it was never her money to distribute.

Wait as long as you need before you decide what to do with your inheritance, and don't allow anyone to bounce you into quick decisions, lending or gifting sums.
If you wish to give him money then give it as a gift, of an amount that seems suitable to you, that you can afford (don't express it as percentage of the total inheritance or suggest its in any way negotiable, just make it a lump sum that he can take or refuse when you offer) making it clear that this is an entirely personal gift, not a bequest, entitlement or inheritance but a sum of money you as his sister have chosen to give him out of the money you inherited, due to your relationship and affection for him.

I think you owe respect to your grandmother who's money this is.

Your brother is an adult, I don't know how old your children are but if you are reducing what they would receive as the direct heirs, you need to think what the impact on them would be and how this will live as the lives play out.

What would your brother be likely to do with any money you give him? Once he has it you will have to live with witnessing that.

I would pay for him to have some legal advice so he understands the reality of this situation not the emotional guilt pattern you are both living with from a difficult childhood.

Honestly, give him nothing. Save it for your own children. I think you'll lose him anyway and then you'll always regret not keeping the money for your own kids. If he was a decent person surely he would understand that your kids are important to you and they should also be important to him. He sounds very selfish, perhaps because of things that have happened to him, but selfish nevertheless. Don't let him pressurise you.

Yes, sometimes a person is on the surface materialistic, but may be suffering the repercussions of emotional trauma through a fractured home life and neglectful parenting.

Their comfort is receiving something (money, possessions) that they perceive is an outward sign of love and caring. Other times they act irrationally, out of unresolved hurt and loss.

are you able to say how much the 25% will be?

Irrespective of how much the inheritance is, you have choice and options -

you could give him 25% and he's unhappy with it even if it's a meaningful amount and he goes out of your life in a huff because he feels hard-done by.

you could give him 50% and off he goes out of your life anyway, because he's mixed up, sad, bitter about how life has treated him.

you could give him all the inheritance and he still does a disappearing act.

you can't buy love, so no matter what you decide to give him, prepare yourself for the worst, that he walks away with some £££ or no £££ because actually it sounds like what he needs is therapy not money.

Well, tell him it’s money from your grandparents to you so it’s not your mum’s money and to be fair, you’ll be dividing it into 7 equal parts so 14% each for your 4 children (because it’s their great grandparents money), 14% for you, your dad’s care and him. If he’s not happy then go back to the 0% as he won’t be happy no matter what