To not want to share my inheritance equaly

[Anonymouslyasking]

My half brother who I love dearly wants me to share my inheritance with him, he says my mum told him she would share it half half. That's not what she told me. Mum had passed away so we can't clarify now.
He received an inheritance from his mum that he didn't share.

I'm happy to give him a share but I feel half is too much. I don't want yo fall out with him but I feel it's unfair. AIBU?

Can I just clarify that your HB is from your Father?

If that's the case I can't see how he feels he's entitled to anything, as he's not blood related to your Mum's side of the family.

If it came to you directly from your GP's, what would they want you to do? I'm sure they'd prefer it was passed onto your children, their great grandchildren.

But at no time did OP's mum actually inheret the money so no matter how bad she/her husband was with money stuff including offering 50% to her step son who she was a 20 year estrangement with it ultimately went directly to OP from her gran so why is this even a discussion a simple "no, mum never inherited the money but if you need anything let me know" should have sufficed - OPs mum never had this money to inherit onwards.

But did your mum want that? To give him 25%?

I am sorry you cant see that he is unbelievably entitled to even be asking in the first place never mind telling you he wont settle for less than half. It doesnt sound like he will have an iota of gratitude either

In your shoes I would complete therapy and wait until the dust settles and you have fully absorbed everything before giving him anything. Watch how he behaves with that and maybe if he waits without acting like a greedy shit help him out.

Slightly different but a very long time ago my DB knew I was coming into money and wove a sob story which I fell for and gave him money which he proceeded to openly squander rather than deal with the sob story thing.

I think some people understood the situation quite clearly and gave me good advice.

It was not your mother’s money to promise him, it was your grandmother’s and she left it to you. Whatever the relationship/agreement was between your mother and him has nothing to do with either you or your grandmother. There is no reason to deprive your children of their inheritance just to pacify him. Stop letting him guilt trip you about something that was not your fault

How Responsible is he with money? Would he use it effectively?

You talk about setting up your DC with it, what if you counted him as ‘like’ a dc and do exactly the same?

That way, you are saying you love him as much as you love your children.

I would suggest that (if the numbers stack up and arrangements can be made), you offer that.

Also- tell him you won’t be doing anything until you see a financial planner and check out the implications - for your dad’s care, for any benefits various people might be entitled to.

That will buy you time. And you can say you are following that advice.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum and grandma. You could remind him you’re grieving and need to take time to come to terms with everything without being hassled by him.

I think his love for you is conditional on you doing what he says, meeting his needs etc. I don’t think you can make up for the sadness of his childhood.

Is he older or younger, what does your DH say?

Thank you everyone for the input and point of views I'm going to leave it here because the number of reply is a bit overwhelming and I can't keep up!

I'm going to see my psychologist next week and will talk this over with her.

@swayingpalmtree has it spot on

I spend my life giving him whatever he asked for to make up for the treatment he got from my mum.

This tells us so much.

Do you really think that if he had half of the money the above situation would change?

Why not think of it like this - you have four children. There's you and presumably a partner. Now if your brother got 50% he would have much, much more than you do. Is that fair when it's your grandmother who's died and left you the money? She didn't think of him as her grandson. She wanted you and your children to have the money.

Well if you are going to fall out anyway, you may as well keep the money.

It’s your grandmother who left you the money not your mum so his point about your mum is moot anyway.

You don’t owe him a penny, OP. and I think if you do give him some it won’t be enough and you will regret it.

Yes I think people have understood after about 20 updates and clarifications!

i think I understand now and I think having children especially you couldn't give half away surely?

also what if you gave him 20% or 25% and he still fell out with you? Would you regret giving him anything? If he loves you it shouldn't be about the money. I can see why he thinks it's unfair but it's not "his".

Op, there will be a rift with your brother whatever you do. As you say, he is unresolved.
Your grandmother did not regard him as her grandson, but presumably she recognised your children as her great grandchildren. I would be thinking of them first.
You sound like a lovely person, but your brother is taking advantage of that.

Your brother no matter which way you look at it, is not equal to you. He was your fathers son and nothing to do with your mother in reality. I agree with those that say that you should not split it in half. I would give him a 'token' amount. You don't owe him anything. I would say to him you have your children's futures to think of.

Don't share it! From your grandparents to your mum to you. He is totally trying it on! If she had wanted this she would have told you or there would be a will.

BUT if he's your brother and you love him then surely you'd want to help him if you could afford to lose some and it would help
him.

You’re not equal. He’s a lying chancing bugger. Even if your DM had said he was promised a thing she should have drawn up a will or arranged that her mother’s will reflected this.

Childhood friends of mine. Their DF was an abusive alcoholic who their mother got a divorce from when they were young. FFW a few years when his DM (their grandmother) died and left a big estate favouring the children (2) and their DF. As I recall there was a brother and sister of their DF who for some reason were left nothing. They both spoke and along with their DF arranged for both to have a share of their bequest to make things fairer. I don’t know why their grandmother favoured their sibling and his 2 DC as apparently the other 2 siblings were lovely, saw their DM regularly and cared for her.

So your DM allegedly promised him half a share of money she's never had. In which case give him 50% of her estate - which from what you say is zero!

It's a bit like me telling someone I'll give them 50% of my lottery jackpot. I haven't got a lottery jackpot.

Your half brother is a scrounger. I'm assuming he's spent all the inheritance he received from his own DM and he now sees you as a cash cow to get some more.

I would not give him anything given that he's asked because he feels entitled. It was YOUR Grandparents money which was left to you.

I'm guessing theres no will?

To be honest my step dad is the only dad I have ever really known as a 'dad'. If I was to be left anything by him in future I would assume it to be 'memory' type items not anything of value like money/property/cars, that goes to my brother. I would not expect to be left anything though except the stuff that was my mams.

I would do what your gran would have wanted. It was her money. I wouldn't discuss it any further in terms of sharing the inheritance or a % of the inheritance. The inheritance is yours in it entirety. It's your family's money. The same way his mum was nothing to do with you your maternal grandmother is nothing to do with him. However, once you receive the money I'd give him a token amount from you as a sister not from the inheritance. I think he will kick off regardless of what you give because he believes he's entitled to half.

So your DB understands it was your gran's money not your mum's and he still wants a cut? He's not a blood relative or in the will of your gran! If your gran had pre-deceased your DM then there might be a different take on it but I think he's seen a chance to line his pockets.
You are not obliged to be 'equal' and life's not fair.

If it was money made by your mum and his dad then i would absolutely say share it equally but that's not the case.

Which one of you is older OP?
I’m glad you are having some therapy at this time, there is a lot to untangle.
Don't rush your decision.

What are the circumstances of him being raised with you? Was it a fling your dad had or was it from a previous marriage before he met your mum? It makes all the difference. How long did he stay with you and your mum? Did your gran treat him like a grandchild?
If there was no relationship with your grandparents you owe him nothing.