To not want to share my inheritance equaly

[Anonymouslyasking]

My half brother who I love dearly wants me to share my inheritance with him, he says my mum told him she would share it half half. That's not what she told me. Mum had passed away so we can't clarify now.
He received an inheritance from his mum that he didn't share.

I'm happy to give him a share but I feel half is too much. I don't want yo fall out with him but I feel it's unfair. AIBU?

Completely agree with this.

Op - no matter what you give him will never be enough. Don't try to buy his love. Do what is best for you and your children. He can jog on

Your half brother is being completely unreasonable here. He hadn’t spoken to your mum for 20 years. The money was never your mum’s in the first place to promise.

It doesn’t sound like he’s been in your life very much, other than to take whatever he can from you. You owe him NOTHING.

if you absolutely have to give him something, how about -
If 25% is enough to buy a house outright, buy the house in your name. He can either live in it rent-free, or you rent it out and send him the rent monies (minus whatever costs you’ll need to cover letting agents, upkeep etc) each month. That way, the money is still in your family, but he benefits every month. Obviously you’d need to speak to solicitors and make sure it’s clear that the house comes back to you / your children at some point.

I’d invest money (think OP has got this already) in some therapy so she can work out why she feels beholden to this man and guilty

I agree and I speak from experience. I have family who spend money like it's the apocalypse and it's never enough. They get into debt, they buy expensive things like designer gear, exotic holidays, fancy cars, and have to have the latest iPhone and MacBooks and then they wonder why they've got none left. You might think if its a large amount he won't rip through it but you'd be shocked at how easy it is to spend literally thousands of pounds in a single afternoon if you're buying expensive "stuff" and you're materially minded.

Remember that OP- money that could have gone on your children's future blown on your brother's material wants. What an absolute waste.

Let's say you buy your brother a house. Is he going to insure it? Repair it? Be a good neighbour?

Who do you think will do repairs etc? I bet you my own house it'll be you.

He's not even interested in 50%. He wants 50% until he's spent every penny, and then he wants your money. You owe it to him, in his view.

I think I would take the money and get the hell out of that area and start afresh.

I’d also be careful about your dad’s care costs, these can be extortionate and if your dad lives to an old age it’ll eat into money. I agree with pp, a trust fund is good for your DC. This is what my great uncle did for me and DB when we were 9 and 7 and due to good investments they matured well. He also bought 2 houses near his home town which were rented out and which were eventually sold and split for us all (me, DB and DM) but could’ve been kept.

Is money more important to HIM than her?

I feel strongly that your step brother shouldn't get any of it.

First of all it's your grandmother's money not your mother's money. Yes if life had have turned out differently/as expected, it would have passed through your mum's estate, but it didn't.

Your step brother inherited from his mother and didn't give you any of it.
Your mother told you privately what she wanted - which it sounds like was for you to inherit.

Your mum's relationship with your step brother isn't your fault or your responsibility. 20 years estranged is even less of a reason for him to inherit.

If your step brother is the type to cut you out over money, he'll do it over something else in the future. Would I be right in thinking he takes after your father and mother in his ways?

What your dad wants, isn't anything to do with it, as the money was never your mother's. It was your maternal grandmother's, so nothing to do with him, legally or morally. Just like it's nothing to do with your step brother.

This is your big growth opportunity. Stand up for yourself, for your grandmother and for your children. That money is yours, by rights and ethics.

If you want to share, share the money with your DC. Think what it could do for them.

Please dont share your inheritance with your half brother when hes got absolutley no entitlement to it whatsoever. He sounds incredibly cheeky id be so angry he would even say that. He wasnt your mums child fgs he had his own mum who gave him an inheritance. You say you love your brother dearly but it doesnt sound like he thnks much of you to expect this from you. Please stand your ground on this. That is YOUR money.

If 25% is enough to buy a house outright, buy the house in your name. He can either live in it rent-free, or you rent it out and send him the rent monies (minus whatever costs you’ll need to cover letting agents, upkeep etc) each month. That way, the money is still in your family, but he benefits every month. Obviously you’d need to speak to solicitors and make sure it’s clear that the house comes back to you / your children at some point.

Heck no. I get the impression he'd be the type to trash it, borrow against it illegally, make illegal claims to it that OP would have to spend money sorting out, etc.

Your half brother to whom you are not actually related to by blood, who is not related to your mother and was estranged from her for 20 years, feels that he should 50% of your maternal grandmothers estate on the basis that you mother may or may not have promised it to him.

There is no evidence to support this claim, you have 4 of your own to support and have made an extremely generous offer of 25% on the grounds that he is your last remaining "family" which has been rejected.

Couple of things :
As a non relative he will pay capital gains on whatever he receives. You should seek financial advice about how you could gift a sum in the most tax efficient way.

You should put this money or part of it into trust for your children and ensure it is locked away. Seek financial advice

You should write your own will. Pronto. Seek financial and legal advice.

You don't mention a spouse/partner ex or otherwise. If they have a claim on the money [that you don't want] you should seek financial and legal advice. If you have a spouse who you love and trust, I suggest that you listen to their advice.

"Family" that will remain close to you only with financial inducement are not worth having in your life. I'm very sorry.

In the meantime you can stonewall your half brother with the likely fact that the estate will be in probate for some time, possibly years due to the backlog in the courts. Substantial amounts of tax will have to be paid on it and having considered your original offer [rejected] of 25% to be exceedingly generous and unnecessary you have decided to get financial and legal advice once probate has finished.

For the comedy value - ask him if you can borrow some money temporarily to sort out all the advice not the grounds that his mother left him well off. Watch him show his true colours.

I'd go so far as to say if the money came from your grandparents, morally he should not get a penny and that knowing you were thinking of doing this might well have upset your mum and grandparents. (Of course we can't know this for sure).

Have you asked him why he thinks he's entitled to YOUR grandparent's money?

OP, ask yourself a question - would your gran want him to have 25%? or 10% or whatever? why would you share it with him if it wasn't her wish?

I have to admit that I'm shocked that you're saying minimal family if you have 4 kids.

If someone is ready to break a relationship with you because you don't share your money (which they don't have any entitlement to whatsoever), is this relationship worth having?

With 4 kids of my own I wouldn't share at all

I won’t lie! With previous inheritances me and DB have spent big chunks. But then we didn’t have much growing up so it was a novelty to us to suddenly have money which wasn’t family money. We always knew we had investments though and property bought from inheritances and my DPs and my nana also spoke to us about trying to be careful and not going too mad.

Our main financial advisor even advised us, get it out of your system now, invest a bit (which we did) but said lots of people did what we did which was spend unwisely especially if they had a lot suddenly.

Please keep YOUR inheritance for your 4 children, it can give them a better life now and in the future you can leave them a good inheritance. You do not owe your brother a penny of your Gran's money and I don't think you should offer 25%. The fact you know he'll be unhappy/annoyed at you offering him a huge amount of money should tell you not to do it.
Think clearly of what your Gran wanted this money to be used for, I imagine the answer would be you and your children. Stand up to your brother who is clearly using you and you hold no guilt on your DM treatment of his as that was her not you. Don't be a pushover or let someone walk all over you. I suspect that if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't give you a penny. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your children, 25% is a huge amount they could benefit from so don't just give it away unless it's to your children.

Hi OP. I have a half-sibling too, my mother tried to do right by them but interfering relatives managed to undermine the relationship. It's a long story.

We had no contact until a few years ago. When we reconnected, he brought up an incident my mom did not handle well - I was a small child at the time. I snapped after a lifetime of guilt and being torn between my sense of justice and loyalty to my mom, and told my half-sibling I can only be in their life for ME. Not for anything or anybody else.

I recommend the same stance for you. You are NOT responsible for your parents' failings, real, perceived, or made up. You say you love your half-brother dearly - but does he love you?

Based on his greedy, selfish, materialistic, manipulative behaviour, I very much doubt it.

What would you do in his shoes, with the same deep love in your heart? Think about that.

Sorry for your loss. I also believe you need to remind your brother this isn’t and never was your mother’s money. Even if your mother had this conversation with him it is completely irrelevant as she did not inherit. You have your children to look out for. Maybe you could consider giving him a small lump sum (def nothing like 25% though!!!) and say the majority of the money will going in trust for your children.

I can see why you feel like you need as much family as you can get. I dont have a large family myself, but if he fellout with you for not giving him money that is in no way his right to have, then honestly you are better off without him. I feel like this is almost blackmail on his part, like hes pressuring you to give him money or he will cut contact. Problem is OP where would it end what if he kept using your vunerability to get things from you? He either genuinley wants you in his life and accepts its your money or he doesnt its that simple. By all means treat him to some stuff or a holiday or something but keep it at that. Your mum didnt have any relationship for 20 years thats a massive amount of time.

There are 6 people who arguably have a moral claim. You, your 4 children, your half-brother.
As closest relative and direct descendant you have the strongest claim
As next closest relatives and direct descendants, your 4 children all have a stronger moral claim than your half brother.
Your half-brother has no real claim. he's a chancer.

You were being far too kind (i.e. a mug) in offering him 25%. You may think you're being fair, but what you'd be actually doing is cheating your children out of family money.
Give him 5k out of the goodness of your heart - it is 5k more than he has any right to - and make sure you and your children are well provided for.

But she didn't mention this to you? Seems a bit off.

I think it's sad you feel you have to buy someones love and a relationship with them. The morally right thing to do, would be for him not to ask or see that money as his, because it isn't. Its your family money and your children will not get what they should inherit from your family, because of your need to please your brother. You deserve better than someone who treats you like that, your children deserve the money. So do you. I would give him precisely nothing, and I will give my own half brother precisely nothing from my father too. My father wants me to have it, he worked hard for it, and I am sure your grandmother wants you and your children to benefit from her money.

I wouldnt engage in this at all you inherited from your grandparents NOT your mother/father so unless he was close to them & you cant think of anything you could do to help him out (a deposit on a car/home or new clothes/help with something) I wouldn't be giving him anything...????

(BTW why do you keep saying your mums money if she was already dead & your the sole beneficiary ?

• if you're mum was bad at money stuff maybe she did offer him half but it doesnt change the fact that she died first so never had half to give ?)

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

Your half brother to whom you are not actually related to by blood

The op and her brother both have the same Dad so are most definitely blood relations.

@Jk8 The grandmother's money was left to the OP's mum, but her mum died before the grandmother, so the grandmother's money was then left to the next of kin, which is the OP.

It sounds here as if OP is guilty as he’s her half brother. Half siblings are different to step as half are half blood siblings where step siblings are related through marriage. Depending on how siblings can be brought up step relatives can be closer than half ones. My step grandma was very close to me and DB and treated us like her own grandchildren, partly because her own daughters were approx 15/17 years younger than my DM and so had children later, well only one had children.

It also sounds like OP feels very guilty for her feckless parents behaviour, especially re her half brother and is trying to buy his love/buy him off, and he’s milking this. I actually sort of can see where the half brother is coming from. He probably feels hurt, guilty, feels money can buy love and is also bitter. But that’s no way for OP to behave and be so generous. As pps have said she could wait until probate is sorted and then decide on money. But I certainly wouldn’t want as I’ve said before here s grabby, rude entitled arse who’ll again milk this for all its worth, come back for more. OP also has DC too, that’s family to me. Wonder what they think of their beloved uncle?