to think that telling 5 yo's if they do not behave they will go to the naughty school or home is child abuse?

[LeilaAndLeo]

My parents used to say this to me when I was a young child and DD aged 5 has just told me that Granny (my mum) has told her and my niece also 5 this. I also remember my Mother saying to me "if you don't eat your dinner, I will phone the homes" .

I really cannot get to grips with my parents generation at all. Who would say this to children?

My children are aware of the homes here. There is one for challenging children who are there for their own safety really. When they are at secondary school it is talked about.

Can see how it could be very worrying for younger children to be threatned by it.

It may not be nice but it's hardly child abuse.

crikey no, def not child abuse!

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My mum used to threaten to call 'Mr McDougall' (who was purely made up) when we were naughty - apparently he ran a childrens home in Scotland! It was all made up and we knew it was, but we weren't prepared to take the risk!
I threaten the dog with Mr McDougall - I have told him that Mr McDougall has branched out into kenneling too. The dog doesn't seem bothered...

We had a childrens home at the end of my street and I always felt annoyed that the kids there were treated badly by other children and by teachers at school. Many of them were there because of family breakdown or parental abuse. They were hardly 'bad' children but rather unfortunate children who needed help and understanding. Threatening kids that they will end up there is awful because those kids were often not there because of their own behaviour but because of the behaviour of others who should have been caring for them bettter.

I do not believe in smacking, but I actually think that a short sharp smack would be better than some of the things that have been said to children on this thread! It is very damaging- you can't know how it is going to be taken by the child or the long term effect.

Does anyone, then, remember having threats like this made against them and thinking "I really respect my mother for threatening to send fo0r Social Services who won't let me come home and where the other children will be worse to me than my parents ever will be?"

Because I didn't respect my mother for that, I sobbed my fucking heart out that I was obviously so unlovable she could barely bring herself to live with me and I was constantly teetering on the brink of moving into a children's home. And I was nine, not three or four. It scarred me as well as scared me, I feel physically sick when I hear of children being taken into care. It's a subject of much distress for me, purely because I was threatened with it as a child. I have never got over the idea that SS is a punishment for the child.

Children believe what they are told, you should never lie to them over something so bloody frightening, it's a shitty thing to do, far worse than the occasional smack. I was smacked often, and am unphased, but I never really got over being told by my mother that she couldn't cope with me and she was putting me in care.

It is abuse. It certainly made me feel abused. It abused my trust, it abused my naive belief that I should believe everything my parents told me, and it abused my sense of guilt, which has been heightened ever since.

QUOTE Does anyone, then, remember having threats like this made against them and thinking "I really respect my mother for threatening to send fo0r Social Services who won't let me come home and where the other children will be worse to me than my parents ever will be?" QUOTE

erm no - because my mum IS a social worker and I always understood that Social Services was there to help families not to tear them apare uneccesarily.

Sorry - but this thread is showing up so many people's prejudices towards Social services, Children's homes and care.

Those prejudices were installed care of my mother - it's less of a prejudice, more of a phobia. And frankly, beaniesteve, you being angry about my feelings is the least of my worries.

I would never, ever threaten the children with being sent away to a home or school or anything.

However, when we drive through very horrible areas, we do tell the children to take a good look at the awful housing and places people have to live in, and explain to them (in good humour) that if they don't work hard at school and get a good job, that's the kind of place they'll have to live in...

beanie what we were all told is 'you will be sent from me, worthless child, you are more trouble than you are worth and good riddance' - children's home/foster care/naughty girls' school/ebay isn't the upsetting bit of this for any of us. It's not the destination that caused the distress. Colditz puts it v well imo.

beanie what we were all told is 'you will be sent from me, worthless child, you are more trouble than you are worth and good riddance' - children's home/foster care/naughty girls' school/ebay isn't the upsetting bit of this for any of us. It's not the destination that caused the distress. Colditz puts it v well imo.

Apologies - I wasn't meaning to touch a nerve.

Sorry your mum instilled you with these you with these prejudices. I was lucky to have a mum who worked/works in social services so I learned about a different side of social services.

Okay. sorry for going off at the deep end BS, I overreacted.

I'm sorry for not being sensitive in my responses

Oh dear, I feel guilty now.

I think you are totally NBU! Emotional punishment is just as bad as, if not even worse than, physical punishment IMO, and in a lot of experts opinions too, and has been shown in lots and lots of research over many, many years. Punishments and threats teach your children to obey you for all the wrong reasons, they don't teach any morals or ethics at all. So yes, they work in the short term, but at what cost?

I've said things in jest to my children when we've all been laughing and playing and it's been part of a game but I would never, ever make horrific threats like that to get them to obey me

We all say questionable things and I've said many over the years - I said some things to my first 2 kids that I wouldn't dream of saying now to them or their younger sister but it all depends on how we're feeling and coping at the time. I admit I didn't cope well when they were younger and probably repeated things that my parents had said to me but I did always apologise to them afterwards and they know that they are loved and quite frankly spoilt rotten. When I've felt totally useless in certain situations (like in the street or shops) I have said that they'll be told off by someone else because it's true - if they won't listen to me then maybe they will listen to the threat of someone else and since as a mum you're always aware of the daggers looks you get from people in shops/restuarants/the street etc (including other mums) if I'm feeling useless because they won't listen to me I don't think it's unreasonable. As for the police woman - any parent walking passed a police man/woman knows there's no point in threatening kids with that - even 2 year olds won't be scared since the police don't do anything anyway - although I can quite believe you taking parents away for getting to the end of their tether and threatening something silly - much easier than actually catching criminals isn't it?? Blame a parent who says something stupid once in a while and claim it's child abuse but ignore the ones smoking/drinking/using drugs in front of their kids, driving whilst kids aren't in car seats, gocing off on holiday whilst their kids fend for themselves etc etc etc. It may be crap and lazy parenting to some but I love my kids and would do anything I could for them. I show them in many ways how much I love them and I would nevre leave them alone whilst I buggered off "a few yards" for a meal or disappeared to another part of the country on holiday. As someone else said GET A GRIP on what real child abuse is.

Whilst I'm on my soapbox I must add that anyone who feels that they've been scarred by their parents' behaviour when they said things like this needs to look at that relationship as a whole. Simply saying nasty things (which my parents said alot of and it did hurt me and affect me) however - to feel totally unloved by someone and actually BELIEVE the threats would require backup from other behaviour - I don't believe anyone can honestly say that their mother told them they would go to the naughty children's home if they weren't good and that's it - it scarred them for life and they could never believe anything their mother said after that! My parents showed no physical love at all, would actually push me away if I wanted any affection, told me constantly I was a mistake etc, constantly favoured my brother over me - - there was alot of other behaviour going on that made me feel unwanted. There are people who have left their comments here where they were punched etc - that is real child abuse. Constantly telling a child they are worthless and crap and not wanted - that's real mental child abuse but simply snapping a stupid threat at the end of a tiring day when a child is really misbehaving - I still just cannot see it as child abuse. Again crap parent (I'm guilty) but not child abuse and I'm damn well trying hard to be a better mother than I feel my own was and I do genuinely love them and do everything for them - quite literally leave's me exhausted running around after the 3 of them. Let's just agree it's not the best ting to say and that we'll all think in future but let's not get carried away by the term child abuse. It's insulting to those who really were abused. I felt unloved and unwanted but I don't consider I was abused and I would never want to claim that because there are plenty of abused children/adults out there.

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but again - there was more to it - you were actually dropped off at a childrens' home - that's MORE than just saying something when you're having a bad day or not coping well. Parents who deliberately say it to upset their child and really frighten them - yes that's emotional abuse which is just as bad as physical abuse (I've already said that) BUT there are alot of parents who simply say it out of frustration/tiredness/because they can't think of anything else to say to their kids at the time - as I've said it might be crap parenting and not a nice thing upon reflection but we all do/say things we regret later. There are too many judgementalcomments here about people "overhearing" a mother saying this and that to a child - well maybe that mother had been up all night, has no family and friends to support her, is depressed and on medication and is struggling to cope and says something - anything to try and get her child to behave at a time when she is feeling shit - I've been in that situation many a time and had people glaring at me because my child isn't behaving and others glaring at me because they disapprove of the way I'm handling it - or failing to handle it - obviously there are too many perfect mothers on here I couldn't possibly compare myself with - who have far better/superior ways of dealing with their childrens' behaviour and have never lost it even for one second. If I could be perfect I would be. Perhaps I'm not perfect because of how I was treated but I damn well try hard - no-one can judge how hard someone else's life is when they happen to witness/overhear something.

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