to think that telling 5 yo's if they do not behave they will go to the naughty school or home is child abuse?

[LeilaAndLeo]

My parents used to say this to me when I was a young child and DD aged 5 has just told me that Granny (my mum) has told her and my niece also 5 this. I also remember my Mother saying to me "if you don't eat your dinner, I will phone the homes" .

I really cannot get to grips with my parents generation at all. Who would say this to children?

I was regularly threatened with being sent to Borstal. But then my parents also smacked (a lot) and mum would occasionally try to strangle me, so it was about par for the course.

oh please - daughter will not be traumatised by this. She is a well loved and well looked after child who knows that she is safe and secure in her home. If I thought for one minute that she was worried about this at all then I wouldn't do it.

It's a bit sad if that's the best skill in someone's parenting arsenal though.

Joking around is one thing, (although I do think that younger children may have the worry at the back of their minds that the threat is real, no matter how jokey the parent is), but if it is used because the parent has to threaten the child into submission, then that is a real shame.

What happens when the child gets bigger, realises the story is a pile of bollocks, and STILL refuses to tidy their room/clean their teeth/do their homework?

I think a child who is well loved and secure in his/her surroundings will not be scarred by this practice. Perhaps the trauma is a result of other underlying insecurities?

Anyway, I never said it was a best skill. Nor would a recommend it as a parenting tip. I just think calling it child abuse is a tad OTT.

There are more harmful things that happen to children... like feeding the crap from McDonalds (which I also do on occassion, usually when DD and DH gang up on me).

Oh, jeez. I think it's rather a more hurtful thing to say to child who knows full well what an orphanage is. That IS cruel.

Think this all depends on the child and circumstances doesn't it! My dad used to threaten to sell us when we were naughty - he'd pretend to make a phonecall to someone and bargain on how much we were worth We're all completely unscarred by this.

I have also told children who are misbehaving in public places that if they don't calm down the shopkeeper/waitress will tell them off (though not smack them!).

Christie, I think it was exceptionally cruel in your circumstances.

In general however I am not sure that it is always as bad as some think. I have on occasion suggested to mine that I am going to put them on e-bay and then speculated what special uses I could say they have. Dd could be a burglar alarm because of the volume of screaming. Ds could be a grape crusher instead of a sister crusher. They know it is a joke and they laugh, they know how much they are loved and valued.

When my children are driving me up the wall, I don't think I always have to say nice things to them - although if I thought that they were genuinely afraid of being auctioned, I would of course never do it.

at burglar alarm

I am not sure about whether it is child abuse, but it is definitely questionable parenting - to suggest that bad behaviour might mean expulsion from the family? Bizarre. Quite apart from the fact that it suggest to the child that the security of the home environment and parental love are conditional, it also suggests that the child's parents are innately incapable of coping with a child's bad behaviour on their own. Weird, weird, weird...

Oh and I think that it depends alot on the family dynamic, because I think that in some situations (Goosey) children understand that there is an element of jest and that you are breaking the tension and they know that you are joking.

If a child is screaming with panic because you have told them you are giving them away, I would go back on my previous post and say that actually, yes, it does constitute emotional abuse.

Bluebutterfly, I would entirely agree that if a child is upset or paniced by such a statement then it is entirely inappropriate and pretty horrible.

I sometimes say "bye bye" when ds won't leave with me. It's not something I do often, as I don't want him to feel like I would really leave him behind, but it usually helps resolves the problem quicker than if I tried to reason with him, and he's too big to physically move if he doesn't ant to go!
And by then he's usually lost any treats/tv/computer time too!

I think that it is inappropriate in any circumstance; the way to have a secure child is for them to know that they will be loved and part of the family whatever the behaviour. Love for a child shouldn't be conditional on 'good' behaviour.I would possibly have a joke with an older child if we were all larking about and in a happy mood, but never if we were annoyed and never ever with a younger child. I always stress that it is the behaviour that I don't like and would never have a personal attack on their character.

Christie, you are right, in your circumstances saying anything like that is horrid and cruel.

Context is everything, and whilst there are some selfish childish parents out there you can't tar every parent with that same brush.

it's horrid.

I used to work in a shop and regularly parents would say to their children 'if you don't behave then the lady will be very angry and will tell you off'

ERM - NO! the Lady will not be telling your kids off, do it yourself and don't make me the ogre!

I wonder if the people who think this is OK just haven't stopped to think about it in any detail. Or if they are generally people who don't have very vivid imaginations.

Nervousal, how can your daughter be really safe and secure if she thinks she'll be taken away to prison if she doesn't brush her teeth?

I remember my best friends little sister was driven to a home (the jersey one)years ago by her dad for being naughty. She got out of the car and he drove off. The home phoned him and told him to come straight back and collect her. She must have been about 9 or 10.

She continued to be a pain in the arse (aren't all little sisters) and found it highly amusing that her dad was told off by the home! He couldn't use that threat again.

I certainly remember it happening as it was the gossip and amongst all the friends.

Oh NO! We live right down the road from a young offenders inst. I have told my 5 year old DS he will end up there when he's older if he doesn't learn to behave. not that I'm taking him there right now - just he might end up there with the 'naughty boys' if he acts like when he's older!!!

Is that awful??

I have told him too that I am telling him off to teach him how to behave so he DOESN'T end up there because I love him. Does that make it OK? God I hope so!

My mother used to say this to my brother, but never to me or my sisters. I think it's a horrible thing to say to a child.

My mother would say now that it was a joke, but my brother said he was quite old before he realised that she didn't really mean it. She only ever said it if she was annoyed with him, so why would he think it was a joke?

Message withdrawn

It's also quite unfair on the kids in homes. Many children end up in homes or foster care through no fault of their own and they are not prisons for bad kids!