Should Grandparents help out with childcare?

[Hccvrdg]

This is inspired by the recent thread from the lady who wants her parents to look after kids while her and DH go away for the weekend...

My kids are now grown up but when they were younger my parents NEVER babysat, not even for an hour. It was made clear when I first got pregnant that they'd raised thier children and had done thier duty... looking back my GP never babysit myself and siblings either.

PIL occasionally babysat for a couple of hours when we just had one child but when I had my second this fizzled out - apparently 2 kids was 'too much' ( DH is an only child)
They had kids once overnight when DH and I got a free night in a swish hotel... they turned up at 6pm after I'd fed kids and wanted us back home by 10am so we couldn't really make the best of it!
I became a SAHM because I knew that school holidays, after school pickup etc would be a major issue - I'd seen colleagues struggle for years with getting time off. This was long ago when flexible working and parental leave didn't exist.

I suppose I just accepted that this was normal, but from reading some of these threads it looks like alot of mums get a hell of a lot of help from GP
So my question is
YABU - they're your kids, GP shouldn't have to look after them
YANBU - GP step up, help out and look after your grandkids

I think that most GDP are somewhere in the middle TBH.I was looked after By GDM 50%of the time while DM worked .My own DC had babysitting /hair appts when DM would look after them .SAHM luckily.While no one should feel they have to help ,surely most GDP would want to

Haha, funny you should say that. Initially my MIL said they would look after my oldest when I had my youngest. But they then went and booked a holiday for my due date. That was the point when I realised we could never rely on them, luckily a good friend stepped up instead. Also my Dad and his wife came down to.

I still resent to this day that IL's turned up at our hours the minute I was home from hospital but couldn't be bothered to actually offer any help.

Should? No. Would it be nice? Very.

My parents died before kids were even on my radar, and PILs live far away from us so we knew we would never have support in that way.

My one surviving grandparent often laments that she is ‘too old and useless’ - her words! - to be able to do the things with our son that she used to do with her grandchildren. She & my grandpa genuinely loved our company so while I suppose it is sad my kids will never know that type of relationship, they won’t miss what they never had.

Should grandparents help with childcare.
No they have done their child raising years you go do your own now.
Let the grandparents enjoy their freedom.
I you wanted freedom why have children as you know being carefree stops when you have kids.
Thats a choice you make.

MIL did look after DS(8) at weekend, but I could tell she has no plans to repeat it. Never offered for future times, for example. She said he was well behaved but I just don't think she's hands on really. It's not her thing.

Years ago with my eldest it was made abundantly clear that they wouldn't be relied upon to do any regular childcare so that I could work... they booked several cruises one after the other for a decade. Couldn't afford to fund childcare outwith family support.

There you go. I have been a SAHM for years now with multiple children (my choice). I just think it's sad some choose to avoid having any part in helping raise their grandchildren.

I've told my DCs very firmly; I will not be bringing up any children they produce. I'm not interested.

Grandparents help if they want to. No compulsion. It’s not compulsory.🙄

Gosh that is one cold tone you’re using there

No, it should be a bonus. My DGPs never looked after me and my siblings. But we had fabulous weekends with them, because they wanted us.

Yeah, I told mine the same. My GCs are adult now, and I’ve got a great relationship with them, but in earlier years I was working and had my own life.🙂

There's a vast grey area you could occupy between "bringing up any children they produce" and "I'm not interested". What a horrid thing to say.

my kids one remaining grandparent always made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with them. Overall its his loss, though i’m sad my kids haven’t had a hands on grandparent, I had four of them plus aunties and uncles all on hand to help out. Just things like knowing what our favourite foods and our friends names etc, seems an alien concept for my kids and their grandparent. I never wanted “childcare” but very occasional babysitting, helping out, or even just interest in the kids would have been nice. He has been retired the whole time, is fit and well and lives locally. I see it as a total lack of interest in my and my life.

My kids grandparents were all working full time and not local. That said my parents did have them to stay occasionally (3 or 4 occasions in their childhood) when they could get a week's annual leave coinciding with school holidays and came up 3 times to ours to watch them when we had weddings out of town, that's entire childhood as mine are grown.

One of my DD's however is already tapping us for childcare and she's not even pregnant - more about working out when I might retire

Both sets of grandparents live hundreds of miles away so we always managed without any help at all. It was not great but doable. If they'd lived closer they all would have helped but I wouldn't have expected it or relied on them for childcare. For example, I wouldn't have wanted to use them for childcare while we worked because it would have been such a huge commitment for them timewise. I'd rather have my kids settled at nursery and let the grandparents enjoy them on their terms. If they'd had the children the occasional afternoon or for a sleepover then DH and I would have appreciated that time off parenting but we wouldn't gave expected it.

We're were very lucky, my mother took my kids whenever I needed it. But we didn't rely on her for regular childcare, we worked opposite shifts for that. I have a sister with no kids who would take them all the time and a sil who would do some for weekends away. My in laws couldn't take them due to health issues.

My daughter is 22 with a 5 month old, living at home with us, so we help out a lot and I will do childcare part time when she goes back to work. She does want baby in a creche for socialising. She also has cousins with their own kids who take baby for sleepovers. The fathers side show little to no interest in even seeing the child, so they'll not be of help to her.

But I do think that grandparents shouldn't be relied on for regular childcare. They have raised their own, I'm in my 50s and sometimes I do find the running around a bit tiring.

I have my 20 month old grandchild one day a week at the moment and they have stayed overnight a couple of times. Yes it is very tiring but I wouldn't miss it for the world. Just seeing how much they change in even just a week, watching them learn new skills. I get quite emotional just watching them eat.

I feel very sad when I see threads where the grandparents don't help out, I think they are missing so much but it's their choice loss

Dh's grandchildren live close but we don't do childcare. We both still work.
And frankly have too much fun socially to want to look after small children.

You see I grew up in the eighties, lower working class. My mum was a sahp, when my eldest sister was old enough to babysit they would go to the pub a couple times a week. Prior to that I'm guessing dad went alone.

I remember 2 funerals where the neighbour looked after me. And my mum worked part time when I was about 8 and my grandparents had me a handful of times in the holidays but mostly I went with my mum to work . By the age of ten I stayed home alone.

My children went to nursery and grandparents helpa little with nights out. But I wonder if there's more support needed now than previously

My Mum was still working full time when I had mine. I had people asking me when she was giving up work to look after them, and being horrified when I said she wasn't. I never expected it, but there was a lot of outrage on my behalf.

for me I guess it depends if I can afford to give up work when / if I become a grandparent. Realistically it will be in the next 10 years but I will still need to work full time to live at that point so won't be able to help.

I don’t think grandparents have to if they don’t want to.

However, if they choose to not be involved and don’t want to know their grandchildren then they should keep any unsolicited advice and comments about said grandchildren to themselves (barring emergencies and safety where they have credible expertise and experience or notice neglect and harm).

I do disagree with the “I raised my children, don’t want to be involved with yours, or asked for help with them but I expect you to help me regardless in old age because I raised you.”

Such people also chose to have kids and it was their duty and responsibility to raise said children. Children didn’t ask to be here either as they didn’t ask to be grandparents.

I don’t like the conflating of childcare with spending time with or having a relationship with your grandchildren. We live very far away and DD has a lovely relationship through facetime and the occasional visit with her grandparents. They don’t have to babysit her for her to know they love her, care about her and are interested in what she’s interested in. Thats enough for me, I think she’s incredibly lucky that there are people out there in the world who love her as much as they do.

We are her parents and we are responsible for her. Even if we lived at home I would happily take her around for her to spend time with everyone but I wouldn’t expect anyone to look after her. Great if someone offered but I would never expect it, her gp’s are all in their late 60’s to mid 70’s. It would be exhausting for them.

I've never been able to do work related apart from the odd school run as I work ft. I've always done lots of weekends so the parents get a break!

We have 3 DCs and honestly dont think we could do it without our parents help. No they don't HAVE to, but I think it's great when they do and it's nice for them to have that bond with their GC. Some of my favourite childhood memories are sleepovers and holidays with my GPs and now they are no longer here it's so special to have those times. We have 1yo twins in childcare which costs us a fortune. Luckily our mums both have them one day a week for us so that I can stay in work, otherwise I would have to quit. We appreciate everything they do for us but no we don't just expect it. That would be unfair and abit ridiculous as it's not their responsibility. My mum adores her GC and would have them every single day if she could, and thats how il be one day with mine. Couldn't imagine not wanting to help out my kids or spend time with my grandkids

I have 3 grandchildren under 6 but I don’t have them very often, I can’t help with childcare as I work FT myself, and by the time I retire the GCs will be too old to need looking after. I do babysit occasionally if they want to go out somewhere and when they were babies I did a couple of overnights so my daughter in law could get some sleep.

My Dad did school pick ups for me after he retired so I could work and it was a massive help to me, I also have fond memories of holidays and day trips with my grandparents.

I dont feel grandparents should help with childcare but if they can, and they want to then that’s great.

There's no "should" about it