Should Grandparents help out with childcare?

[Hccvrdg]

This is inspired by the recent thread from the lady who wants her parents to look after kids while her and DH go away for the weekend...

My kids are now grown up but when they were younger my parents NEVER babysat, not even for an hour. It was made clear when I first got pregnant that they'd raised thier children and had done thier duty... looking back my GP never babysit myself and siblings either.

PIL occasionally babysat for a couple of hours when we just had one child but when I had my second this fizzled out - apparently 2 kids was 'too much' ( DH is an only child)
They had kids once overnight when DH and I got a free night in a swish hotel... they turned up at 6pm after I'd fed kids and wanted us back home by 10am so we couldn't really make the best of it!
I became a SAHM because I knew that school holidays, after school pickup etc would be a major issue - I'd seen colleagues struggle for years with getting time off. This was long ago when flexible working and parental leave didn't exist.

I suppose I just accepted that this was normal, but from reading some of these threads it looks like alot of mums get a hell of a lot of help from GP
So my question is
YABU - they're your kids, GP shouldn't have to look after them
YANBU - GP step up, help out and look after your grandkids

No right or wrong……entirely up to the GP…..I’m 59 with x 3 primary school GDs …..I still work part time, so would never commit to regular child care….I pick up 2 of them from school once a week ( my DDs girls) and take to swimming lesson then home for tea…… I have all three once a week for tea after school ( I pick them up from 2 different schools) ….and once a month all 3 stay over on a Friday night…..other than that I babysit my DDs 2 girls if my DD goes for night out or when she and her partner have a short break ( last time was November for 4 nights)…..I don’t baby sit my sons DD very much when he has her….,as he is separated from the mother so spends all his time with his DD when he has her……but if he asked , and I was free then I would…..they are exhausting though…..not sure I would be up to it in my late 60s or 70s

It's all down to your relationship with parents/parents-in-law. You reap what you sow. But basically there's no "should"

Grandparents should do whatever the fuck they like.

No, no-one should count on any third party to take on their Stuff. Which of course means in turn that people should not expect their DC to become carers for them if incapacitated through illness, accident or age.

It's individual to each family, sorted out without expectation, but with goodwill (assuming goodwill exists, because if it doesn't, then arrangements will fail or fester; proximity is very helpful too)

There shouldn’t be an expectation (although I think is speaks volumes if they just turn up twice a year for their Facebook grandkid selfies then bugger off again), but what really irks me is when they make promises about providing childcare but then always find an excuse not to do it.

We were enticed to move closer to PILs who said they would be around 24/7 to help and couldn’t wait to spend more time with their grandchildren. The reality has been them ‘popping in’ every couple of weeks, with no notice, winding the kids up for an hour and leaving after they’ve drank their tea. Whenever ive asked in advance if they would mind coming over to watch one of them (usually so I can take the other to an appointment or similar) they magically stop responding to messages before ‘finding their phone down the back of the sofa’ when they know the appointment has ended.

Not entitled to help but I can tell you what I've seen happen with one mum friend.
She was looked after a lot by her grandparents growing up. When she had her own kids her parents refused, wanted to go on cruises, not be tied down etc. Wanted them to come over at weekends etc with parents but never wanted to be alone with them. She dropped her hours, they actually moved into a cheaper area away from her parents (which resulted in much whinging from them). Then they got older and needed care as her kids went off to university.

Suddenly they wanted her to come over regularly, clean for them, do their food shopping, take them to appointments etc and were hugely shocked to be given a big fat no and told they'd have to pay for taxis/cleaner/gardener/carers. She was back to working full time trying to get money into her pension that had taken one hell of a hit in the early years that had also massively halted her career progression. They were very upset with a 'but we did this for our parents'. Yes they did. But their parents also helped with childcare etc so they were in a much better position when it came to that time. Their mortgage paid off, better paid, better pension.

So I'd say no, you're not entitled to help. But I'd also say that you reap what you sow and deciding that family doesn't need to help family works both ways.

Good for her! I’m in a similar position - I’m one of 3 kids and my grandparents on both sides provided LOADS of help even though my mum was a SAHM and didn’t work until her youngest was 11. They had us for the weekend (Friday through to Sunday afternoon) once a month, did school pick ups and ad hoc days in between.

Now I have small children my dad has moved to the Mediterranean with his new wife, and my mum couldn’t be less interested and never gets in touch.

I’d help to arrange their care if they need it when they’re old. But I won’t be doing the care.

I’m a relatively young mum and there’s no way I will leave DD or DS (if his girlfriend/wife wants my help!) to struggle like we’ve struggled.

I think your options are flawed but I voted YABU because there shouldn't be any obligation on grandparents to do childcare. However, I think it's very nice if they want to step up and help out, and I was fortunate enough to have had parents who were willing and able to help sometimes.

Mn would be completely dead if nobody posted anything that had been posted before.

Are you a journalist.
YABU there's no compunction but it's nice if they have a bond and relationship with them

Good for her.
People who refuse to help should not demand help.

Did she make it clear to them why she was not helping them?

So your relationships are purely transactional?

FYI there’s also loads of threads about affairs.

HTH 😀

AND - as others have commented - on the circumstances. If GPs live a long way away, still work and/or are physically/mentally unable, good relationships mean nothing in terms of their ability to help out.

Grandma here

I'm one who said I'd never be committed to regular childcare but would of course do adhoc babysitting and help out in an emergency.

However I've come to realise without my help my children and their spouses will be financially stuffed, so I will kiss my long awaited freedom goodbye and offer.

Its nice if they do, but grandparents should be able to dote and enjoy with parents around, then the children leave.

They shouldn't feel obligated to spend their retirement doing unpaid childcare so their children can go back to work. Plan your life and your children, plan for eventuality of twins or even triplets.

Make sure your partner is someone who recognises you both have to split days off if they're sick. plan for wraparound care. etc etc
Build a community with friends/siblings for reciprocal childcare, hire a baby sitter.

Women shouldn't be forced to spend their entire lives being unpaid childcare.

Yes. Aren’t yours? For example I’m only with my
DP because he does half the childcare and housework. If he didn’t I would leave him. Nothing shameful at all about wanting your relationships to be a two way thing rather than just giving, giving, giving.

Obviously wasn't actually present for the conversations but from what she said, yes but not in a, "well you didn't help us so we won't help you way".

"Why are you moving so far away?" Its cheaper, we can't afford it now I'm dropping my hours. "Well don't drop them then", well I have to, we can't afford the childcare (met with silence).

"Why can't you take dad to appointment?" I'm at work. "Oh I dropped my hours at your age to care for grandparents." I can't afford to, mortgage to pay, pension to build. "What you're in your 50s and small pension what on earth were you doing?" Looking after kids as couldn't afford childcare. Silence again.

So yes, but more of a natural consequences way was how it was described. Guess she could do more at weekends but is now taking advantage of her freedom with weekend trips to see kids and friends, using annual leave on actual holiday and having some fun before she becomes a grandparent as she wants to have paid off mortgage and built pension to be able to go part time again to help her kids out.

Parents shouldn’t expect the gps to take on a regular child caring role. Yes, it’s nice if they help, but shouldn’t be a given.

We were in the camp that gp helped out for the occasional night out but not on a regular basis.

@GoodnightAdeline Of course not. Happy to do stuff for friends/family without expecting anything in return
To ignore your parent's needs just because they didn't help with childcare is disgusting

My Mum worked full time and Dad lives a long way away so I didn't get any help really and am of the opinion that they shouldn't have felt obliged to help anyway. They both have a great relationship with my now much older DS.

Of course - those good relationships work both ways. If you know your parents have reasons not to be able to help, you'll understand and won't ask/expect.

I do think it's a choice and shouldn't be compulsory. But they are your family and I couldn't imagine not wanting to help kids with grandchildren if I could. And build a relationship with my grandchildren.

We've had no help, one set of GP lives to far away (and are helpful when we vist). The other set refused to help which kind of annoyed me as they aren't incapable (are young GP) and MIL had her mother do all school pickups and drop off and school holidays so she could work. So she got the benefits of having GP help but was unwilling to help out even occasionally (we never asked for regular childcare). Consequently my child have no relationship with that set of grandparents and as teenagers are past the point of their ever really being one. Which I find quite sad really as although I didn't have my grandparents for long they where lovely. They never did childcare for my parents either but that again was due to distance. My IL's can't even be bothered to see their own son let alone Grandchildren.

I do think the increase in grandparents not helping has to do with people tending towards having children much later in life. It was the norm a few decades ago for kids to spend a lot of time with grandparents. When I was little my grandparents were only in their late 50's so still had plenty of energy to run around after me. Some of my friends who are just starting to have kids have parents in their 70's. It's a lot harder to look after young children at that age!

Should? No. No-one is obliged to care for children except their parents!

BUT... I do Granny care 2-3 days a week and dropped to working only 2 days in order to do so. Because I WANTED to help, and wanted to be close to my grandchild and I wouldn't miss it for the world. I'm lucky in that I'm in my 50s, physically able and willing to do so and am happy to belt round soft play or get filthy at our allotment together. Seeing dgs's face light up when I pick him up or Grandad walks in... it's a wonderful relationship and I hope I'll be fit enough to continue for many years.

The downside is I am now at the stage where looking after my own parents is also becoming an issue, so potentially I am going to be caring for both ends of the spectrum, and I do worry about how |I'll manage that.

But I can't imagine NOT wanting to spend time with my grandchildren!

I think it's lovely that children have a relationship with their grandparents. Of course, this is an ideal as the grandparents may be dead or unwell or working full-time with heavy commitments e.g. foreign travel, etc. Every family is different.

By relationship I mean talking on phone/Skype or sending a card/letter every month or so, and having some shared ground and being interested in each other's lives, and visiting/seeing each other where distance/time allows.

If grandparents live nearby and are physically and financially able then I think offering to help where there is an emergency (e.g. child ill needs collecting from school and parents can't get there) is reasonable, just as it would be from a sibling or close friend. This would be in the same sort of category as offering to drop off some bread and milk if you've been away for a couple of weeks or driving you home from a medical procedure.

The British government has sold the idea of grandparents as unpaid childcare which is totally unreasonable. I think it's really sad that many older people feel obliged to do this.