Should Grandparents help out with childcare?

[Hccvrdg]

This is inspired by the recent thread from the lady who wants her parents to look after kids while her and DH go away for the weekend...

My kids are now grown up but when they were younger my parents NEVER babysat, not even for an hour. It was made clear when I first got pregnant that they'd raised thier children and had done thier duty... looking back my GP never babysit myself and siblings either.

PIL occasionally babysat for a couple of hours when we just had one child but when I had my second this fizzled out - apparently 2 kids was 'too much' ( DH is an only child)
They had kids once overnight when DH and I got a free night in a swish hotel... they turned up at 6pm after I'd fed kids and wanted us back home by 10am so we couldn't really make the best of it!
I became a SAHM because I knew that school holidays, after school pickup etc would be a major issue - I'd seen colleagues struggle for years with getting time off. This was long ago when flexible working and parental leave didn't exist.

I suppose I just accepted that this was normal, but from reading some of these threads it looks like alot of mums get a hell of a lot of help from GP
So my question is
YABU - they're your kids, GP shouldn't have to look after them
YANBU - GP step up, help out and look after your grandkids

Yawn. You could find dozens of threads like this if only you looked. Done to death on MN.

This has been done to death.

We get loads of help from both my mother and my MIL so we're blessed but I don't think they should be obligated to help if they don't want to.

I’m now the age to be a GP although it hasn’t happened yet. I have never personally met anyone whose parents refused point blank to do anything at all. Obviously there’s a huge range in the middle.

I’m looking forward to having GC and looking after them, possibly a day a week for childcare and certainly for babysitting. Most of my GP friends do some free childcare because COL is just so expensive and they love their families. They do all find it hard work though.

As said in the million threads people choose to have children it is not mandatory

Having children is a choice. Having grandchildren isn’t. We have zero help (although tbf half the grandparents are dead). If I’ve got the money when I’m a grandparent I’d try to help that way by paying for babysitters occasionally but not doing it myself, it’s exhausting.

I can't vote either way because I think it has too many variables.

It's about relationships, expectations and balance.

What's your relationship with them like? Close relationships will usually have interdependence - give and take. Distant relationships will often lack this and create more isolated functioning.

How were the expectations set? Did their parents help out, is it normalised in your particular family? Are there expectations of help for when they become older?

I think it's about give and take/balance in relationships - it may sound transactional but if I am given no help or support when I am struggling in the early years of parenting (which are quite short) then this will affect how I feel about providing help and support in the later years of life (which can be quite long)

We were lucky, GPs both sides were very willing to babysit. Didn’t need them for work related CC, so never had to ask. However, when my eldest was born the GPs ranged from 38 to 45, so they still had lots of energy etc

Grandparents shouldn’t be expected to look after their grandchildren but if they offer then it’s a bonus.

i work in an early years centre and the amount of grandparents who pick up their grandchildren is unbelievable, these families are very lucky to have grandparents willing and able. There are some who struggle to walk and I sometimes worry how they manage the children for the rest of the day.

I think it’s weird if grandparents don’t help. Surly you would want to help your kids out with childcare and for them to have a break

saying that both sets of grandparents don’t help us and it pisses me off. I don’t make any effort back

My dd's grandparents are all in their late 40s and early 50s and work so nursery it is.

It’s nice if they do but they’re not obliged- neither should they be

Obviously it is entirely up to the Grandparents if they want to look after their grandchildren or not.

It seems that many Grandparents are currently plugging the gap of wrap around childcare as it has become so expensive. Also, mortgages are almost impossible on one wage so many parents feel they have no choice but to both work.

None of it is ideal and I don't think Grandparents should be forced to help.

I would feel bad if I forced the subject on my parents or made them feel bad for not being childcare for my DSs. I always leave it up to them, even when I was unwell with cancer and my mum helped out I did feel bad because I felt like I was taking her retirement years from her and she was spending it in my house wiping my DSs bums and cooking in the kitchen...she worked her arse off as a nurse for decades and I didn't want her to feel like 'oh so this is it for me now'. In the end when my cancer recovery was taking longer than anticipated, I paid a childminder and said to my mum please dont worry just take some time for yourself. I think it was more beneficial for DSs to be with other children in the childcare setting, going on daytrips with the CM, rather than in four walls at home with my mum who was showing signs of stress and exhaustion.

You’re not entitled to help but I can’t imagine not helping my DDs if I become a grandmother. I’m sure I will want to see my grandchildren too. I wouldn’t want to do full on wrap around or all day care though.

It depends on their reasons for doing it, as in because they want to, rather than feel forced or obligated. I never got any help, even after my husband died, and my children were still very young. My parents weren't very maternal and very quick to judge and criticise, no patience, so even though l resented them for not helping at the time, looking back it was probably for the best. There is zero bond between my children who are now young adults and my Mum. They never got to meet other set of grandparents as they lived abroad and both died relatively young.
I do kind of envy people though who do get lots of help and support. I don't think they appreciate how lucky they are.

My nana lost her mum young and her GPs turn their back on her after her mother death (Jewish woman married Catholic man, nana/brother brought up Catholic)
When my sister and I came along she was very hands on with us. My mum has then been very hands on with my children, around her working hours. I plan to pay my children back the same way.
I have seen friends whos parents have practically raised their children for them, while others have had no help. I think it depends on the family and the help that was given by the generation before.

There's been thousands of threads like this OP

"Should" implies obligation and grandparents have no such obligation.
Would it be nice if they wanted to? Yes.

The way I look at it it's a bonus. It's not expected and gratefully received when help is given. My parents are wonderful at least twice a month mum will call to have all 4 for a weekend and for the last 3 years a monday-friday on our anniversary which is lovely. Saying that we all pitch in with everything if one side is ill the other will drop meals in etc so yes for us it's very nice and more about loving and doing things for each other

Every family is different. Some people have their parents five minutes up the road, those parents retired at 55 and are in good health, they enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. Other people moved several hours away for university/work, or even to another country. Or their parents may have moved. Their parents may still be working full time jobs themselves. They may be significantly older, or in poor health. They may just really not enjoy spending time in sole charge of small children, even if they like seeing them.

Is it probably on balance much easier if you have close by, retired or part time working parents who can offer you regular childcare for free? Sure. But no one is entitled to that. It's a nice bonus and can give you freedoms that other families unfortunately don't have.

In my family our mum died of cancer before my niece was born so guess my sister had unlucky timing there, no childcare from her. And our dad lives four hours drive away. Thankfully the in-laws are closer and retired and help out when they can.

Why shouldn’t OP start a thread on this topic? Mumsnet is a free space and everyone comes to parenting afresh and is allowed to start a thread on anything that interests them. Or otherwise Mumsnet would have shut down within about a year of opening, once everything had been ‘done to death’.

@Hccvrdg
YANBU I think if they can then it is really good for GP to play a role in caring for grandchildren. It also helps to build and maintain family relationships.

However, it is important that grandparents are treated fairly, given notice of any changes and also invited to the treats and holidays of family life, as much as the school runs and day-long childcare.

I also think there is a tipping point beyond which it’s no longer feasible and that is probably more than two children.

My parents always said they would help with grandchildren, but due to ill health, they couldn’t. My in-laws who both worked full time and never expected them to help surprised us by cutting back working days so they could look after my children. DH and I are now in our 60’s and should we become grandparents, I would say from the start that we would only look after any children at a minimum. I know I would love it, but it’s hard to commit. I have a friend who only looks after her grandchildren when they are poorly, she has the time, but doesn’t want to be tied down to set days each week.

I don't expect my kids gp to step up or anything but I don't think it's too much to ask once in a blue moon for help if you're stuck. My MIL used to babysit all the grandkids frequently but since fil passed away won't. I asked her in desperation during half term if she could watch my 2 for a few hours so I could work but she refused. I've had to accept it

Thankyou @AnonyLonnymouse and everyone else who replied.
Being new to MN I didn't do my homework and check for previous threads😒
I guess if my DH ever has an affair I won't post about that either as 'bore off woman, it's already been done to death!!!😂