Should Grandparents help out with childcare?

[Hccvrdg]

This is inspired by the recent thread from the lady who wants her parents to look after kids while her and DH go away for the weekend...

My kids are now grown up but when they were younger my parents NEVER babysat, not even for an hour. It was made clear when I first got pregnant that they'd raised thier children and had done thier duty... looking back my GP never babysit myself and siblings either.

PIL occasionally babysat for a couple of hours when we just had one child but when I had my second this fizzled out - apparently 2 kids was 'too much' ( DH is an only child)
They had kids once overnight when DH and I got a free night in a swish hotel... they turned up at 6pm after I'd fed kids and wanted us back home by 10am so we couldn't really make the best of it!
I became a SAHM because I knew that school holidays, after school pickup etc would be a major issue - I'd seen colleagues struggle for years with getting time off. This was long ago when flexible working and parental leave didn't exist.

I suppose I just accepted that this was normal, but from reading some of these threads it looks like alot of mums get a hell of a lot of help from GP
So my question is
YABU - they're your kids, GP shouldn't have to look after them
YANBU - GP step up, help out and look after your grandkids

I think if they had help from their parents then yes they should

This is what is going to end up happening with my IL's. I've had to work less in order to look after my children. Now they are older and we will still have mortgage when 60 there is no way I'll be able to reduce hours to help them out or DH. I can see them being disappointed but you reap what you sow.

I would never use my mum as regular childcare while I work. That is what nursery/CM are for - I made the choice to reproduce so have to factor that into my outgoings. However she does help when they are unwell, if I have to work at a weekend (rarely) and does pick up from school/clubs occasionally, but not to a point where it is exhausting for her. She enjoys being with them.

Parents shouldn’t expect the gps to take on a regular child caring role. Yes, it’s nice if they help, but shouldn’t be a given.
That's how I feel.

I do think grandparents having time alone with grandchildren helps the relationship and it's nice when grandparents want to help out.

I don't like the idea that they "should" because that is coming from a position of entitlement and obligations.

I think there's a lot of parents who as adults hardly open the door, don't make small talk in the playground, spend all their child's preschool years focusing on their little family, have arms length relationships with relatives, don't help others out (because they hardly make time for anyone) and then seem surprised that they've not nurtured a village and there's nobody there to help, which turns into "but you're their grandparents so you SHOULD want to have your grandchildren... Why won't my in laws have my children so I can have date night?"

If your parents looked after YOU well then you should make an effort to support them in old age. It shouldn't be contingent on wether they're will to be the wrap around care for you own kids.

yuck.

Double unreasonable - first for your dc, you look after them, and secondly for raised yet another thread on this subject

One of my children is in hospital a lot. If we have an emergency my inlaws won't help, I just don't get that mentality...it actually really upsets me. They're too busy! I would love grandparents to help more, one have a good reason for them to, but they don't. It's really sad. I'm learning a lesson in how to be a good Granny later in life 😊

exactly.

Its not grandparents job to subsidise your childcare with their retirement years.

Yes childcare is expensive, so take that into account when you have a kid, not hold it against them because they wouldn't watch your toddler at 60 for 3 days a week for free!

I don't think they "should", but I do think that if they're able to, it's a bit weird to never do the odd couple of hours, or an evening once the children are in bed and you just need to sit downstairs in case they wake. I just think from the point of view of helping out your own child, it's odd to never do it.

I can totally understand not wanting to do it as regular childcare, or as a frequent babysitting thing though.

Yep it’s been done to death. It’s fine if grandparents don’t want to get involved, my mum has never cared for mine -never ever changed a nappy. All good as l won’t get involved when she’s elderly and needs support. I will bust out classic lines such as l have my own life, l have lots of other commitments, lm busy etc

I don’t think they should feel obliged to but I can’t understand those that offer no support. My parents offered no help whatsoever meaning that my children all went to nursery full time from 9 months so we could both work to pay our mortgage. Although I don’t feel they should have to, I would have appreciated the odd afternoon here and there. My friends mother on the other hand was massively involved, had her children over every week for a sleepover yet it was still never enough for my friend who complained her mum should take them more often 🙄

I’d like to think that I will help my children out and be actively involved if they ever have kids and I am capable of looking after GC.

People, even your parents, are individuals, they’re all different. Never assume anything.

Also why are these threads always titled to refer to grandparents when 9 out of 10 times, it’s grandmothers who are expected to provide all this support and her husband seems to get credit by proxy?

Care from grandparents is a nice bonus.
At least we knew that due to distance and generation gaps that it was never in the equation for us. It surprises me that so many people live locally to grandparents who reproduced at the right time- I failed that one at conception!

I feel sympathy for people who were duped about what to reasonably expect from their families and have to adapt around that (usually at expense). Unfortunately some people grow up with close relationships with their own grandparents, because their parents weren't actually that interested in children, and the family values are different to what they thought they were growing up.

It can be frustrating when people don't see the limitations on family life caused by not having grandparents or extended family involved. It pushes into paid childcare (and avaliability for work commitment) and ability to socialise and build up other support networks. It makes family life more intense and draining.

Normally, not getting involved in care for aging parents is a natural consequence of distance, lack of time because of having to concentrate on the needs of younger family, or weakened family bonds because there wasn't enough shared interest in previous years. Grandparents that are uninterested in extended family life can't reasonably expect family attention to suddenly switch to them when their needs change, particularly if they made a series of decisions that didn't consider long-term quality of life (e.g. remaining in unsuitable housing)

We don’t have involved grandparents. They seem to be mostly disinterested which is hurtful.

I was very put out by it at first but accept it now. I don’t think it’s right and I don’t understand it. I absolutely think it’s the norm to want to be involved in your grandchildren’s lives as an extension of being involved in your children’s lives. I will absolutely want to be there if I become a Granny one day.

as a daughter I really resented not having the support for me when looking after my first baby, it felt as though everyone else had loads of support which impacted in lots of ways, including financially. It gets easier as they get older but still having them on the sidelines at football matches or to watch them whilst you decorate or car shop must make life easier.

I know it’s their choice and you can’t force them. I don’t even ask now and it takes away from any enjoyment of having child free time when I have to deal with moaning. I’d love to pick up and have them say don’t rush back and we had a great time! Oh well.

I don't think GPs 'should' help with regular childcare so parents can work, regular school pick ups etc. That's a parents basic job and something they should consider when deciding whether to have children, and it would be hugely entitled to expect your parents to offer long term regular commitment which ties them down to being around set times every single term time.

However I do find it weird when GPs won't even babysit occasionally, why wouldn't anyone want to spend time with their grandkids, and do the odd favour for their own children

I’ve been on mumsnet for 15 years, most things have been done to death tbf. It’s rare to get an original thread. Do you moan on all the repeat threads? ....if so you would be moaning on a lot of them. 😅

I find it very strange that grandparents would lay out their table from the start and say no help with childcare for no other reason than “they’ve done their time”. I know grandparent help can tip over into expectation and grandparents being lumbered with majority childcare, but I’d say for most working parents it is just a case of wanting to have a tiny bit of breathing space and support. And I find it strange that grandparents would be so unwilling to offer this if they didn’t have a good reason (old age, illness, other caring responsibilities etc.)

I think it rightly or wrongly also fosters the idea that when grandparents become older or infirm, their own children may feel like they don’t owe them anything beyond the basic level of support because they have spent the last however many years actively avoiding helping with grandkids. I’m not saying that’s right, but I can see how it could happen.

Well considering DH parents left a lot of their childcare to a grandparent and then have never supported him as an adult, why should he feel obliged to look after them in old age?

We never expected wrap around childcare just the odd help here and there. Plus them wanting to see them even with us would be nice rather then priorities their hobby. It's more like they didn't want kids in the first place. 😕 so why should they benefit from them in old age.

I find it strange that grandparents would be so unwilling to offer this if they didn’t have a good reason (old age, illness, other caring responsibilities etc.)

How about the ’good reason’ being they just don’t want to.

Well yes that’s a reason. As I said, there will be natural consequences of that decision - not as close grandchildren, potentially not as close to their own children later down the line.

I doubt anyone is being frogmarched to take part in grandchild care. I’m sure in 99% of cases “not wanting to” will be respected by all involved. But I think there is hurt and upset associated with that decision (which anyone is free to make) that can’t be underestimated.

My dad died when I was very young and had it not been for the willingness of my grandparents and great aunts/uncles to help with ad hoc childcare my mum would have likely been in a very difficult situation. Some of my happiest memories are spending nights at my grandads house and also sleepovers with with my great aunt. I felt incredibly close to them. And it wasn’t that I was there excessively but I imagine my mum being able to have a tiny bit of breathing space was invaluable.

It is not always born from pure selfishness that grandparent care is needed and appreciated.

I've had wonderful help from GPs - some for practical reasons but mostly out of sheer desire to spend time with my little girl. Appreciate I'm very lucky.

I often wonder why some people have kids (which then come with grandchildren) - did they feel it was their responsibility to populate the world?

I understand a commitment to be childcare on a regular basis won't work for all (and certainly shouldn't be an expectation!), but what about WANTING to spend time with grandchildren, and therefore enabling parents to snatch a few hours for themselves. So many GPs don't seem to want to do this, and I think it's really sad.

I think it's fine if grandparents don't do routine childcare. Amazing if they do, but absolutely shouldn't be expected.
But I think it's a great shame when they don't want to be involved at all, and it does really damage relationships. I don't think it's even about babysitting, more about your closest family not caring about the most important thing, and often the biggest struggle in your life.