Should Grandparents help out with childcare?

[Hccvrdg]

This is inspired by the recent thread from the lady who wants her parents to look after kids while her and DH go away for the weekend...

My kids are now grown up but when they were younger my parents NEVER babysat, not even for an hour. It was made clear when I first got pregnant that they'd raised thier children and had done thier duty... looking back my GP never babysit myself and siblings either.

PIL occasionally babysat for a couple of hours when we just had one child but when I had my second this fizzled out - apparently 2 kids was 'too much' ( DH is an only child)
They had kids once overnight when DH and I got a free night in a swish hotel... they turned up at 6pm after I'd fed kids and wanted us back home by 10am so we couldn't really make the best of it!
I became a SAHM because I knew that school holidays, after school pickup etc would be a major issue - I'd seen colleagues struggle for years with getting time off. This was long ago when flexible working and parental leave didn't exist.

I suppose I just accepted that this was normal, but from reading some of these threads it looks like alot of mums get a hell of a lot of help from GP
So my question is
YABU - they're your kids, GP shouldn't have to look after them
YANBU - GP step up, help out and look after your grandkids

This boils down to family culture. DH's parents didnt have any help when they were raising the kids. They are extremely reluctant with the kids so we never asked. My family and grandmother would help - unfortunately my parents' health deteriorated shortly after my firstborn.

So DH & I have no grandparent help at all, not much of a relationship... and it is tough.

Personally I would not hesitate to help my grandkids as long as I am physically able to.

I don't agree with the expectation of grandparents child-minding every single week instead of creche or nurseries - i know it happens - i just think its not ok to expect that. Planning to have children includes planning what paid childcare you want as well( if going back to work ). A cousin i know expects her mother to drive two hours up to collect kids from school or mind them for a day at a moments notice to babysit- She can well afford childcare but wont pay and her mother is not in the best of health either and all that driving has taken its toll, Now the rest of her siblings are after having babies and also expect the same treatment
However i think for emergencies or for a planned event etc - its ok to ask fo help in these occasions. If you get invited to a wedding and know in advance date etc ask and its organized plus you get to spend one on one time with the kids or wanna night out for dinner ect - no issue minding kids
What i hated is something my SIL did regularly, message at 10pm night before can you take x to swimming rugby etc ( stuff that happens weekly but she was so disorganized ) you say yes and then be bring x kids back home and they turn to you and say oh mammy said we were spending the whole day with you, sorry no your mammy asked me at last minute to bring and collect you i have x y and z planned so cant mind you all day. Thats not an emergency - the killer thing is if she had of come to me a week or two before and say would you mind collecting so so on x date from swimming and mind them for the afternoon it would be great please - then i could arrange that -but dont sneakily guilt trip me by telling the kids lies

There is a big difference between helping out from time to time and in an emergency, which is totally normal. And the current expectation, combined with blackmail, by some parents- that grand-parents should look after the children 24/7, week in, week out, without any pay, any thanks often, huge lists of very strict dos and don'ts, and often combined with blackmail. Either you do - or we remove Gks from you.

So for me, neither of the above options in OP is correct and not a question of either full care or none.

It would be wrong to expect something specific in return but if then they didn’t help you in your hour of need, are they really a friend?

Should?? No. But I am lucky we will receive help from both sides so one day a week per GP.
We chose to have a child and the help wasn't expected. We budgeted to pay for full time childcare. If needed we will use full time but GP's are looking forward to helping and received the same help from their parents when we were young. I am hoping I can do the same one day.
I understand those that won't though. It is tiring.

My Mum and MIL both help with childcare during the week when we are at work and the odd bit of babysitting on a weekend. It saves us a lot of money and means they have great relationships with family. We realise how lucky we are and appreciate all the help. However, we have never expected them to do this, and if either of them said they could no longer help, we would make other arrangements in a second. My Nan used to help but stopped when she turned 80! I couldn’t imagine keeping up with 2 active boys at that age!!

The thing is a lot of grandparents are working full time and want to relax on the weekend as much as we do.

My MIL babysits when she can now that DS is less of a handful which I'm really grateful for, but she's disabled and out of work. If we had a second child I would expect babysitting to go out the window tbh.

I don't think anyone should expect anyone who isn't the child's parent to look after that child. It is nice if family can try to help out when they can but I have met an awful lot of people who expect regular care off the grandparents and the grandparents are on their knees due to it but don't feel they can say no.

If and when I become a grandparent I shall hopefully be happy to help out for ad hoc babysitting and sleepovers but will not want to look after grandchildren all week every week. I looked after a friend's child all day once a week for a few months and found that quite a tie so wouldn't want to do that kind of thing again.

I can’t imagine not doing whatever I could to help my kids. At the moment we have 3yo GD once a week - have done since 6 months - and the other grandparents also do one day a week as both parents work full time and nursery is $$$. We probably have her overnight once every 6 weeks or so, I think the other grandparents probably do more. Tbh when she was little I wasn’t keen on overnights as I basically couldn’t sleep, I was terrified of something happening to her. Now she is older it’s fine. DS and DIL always make clear if they ask for extra that it is “if we can”, never expected. What I can’t stand is people who guilt their parents into childcare, sometimes even expecting them to give up paid work for the “privilege” of looking after the grandkids. What I give I give willingly.

My parents had no gp help when i was a child as all gps had died by the time i was a toddler.

my own mum wanted to be involved and looked after DC1 once a week when they were young.However DM became very unwell and died when DC 2 was a baby and my dad never offered to babysit.
MIL told me on DC1 first birthday that "the novelty (of gc) had worn off" She had been very involved with SILs kids who are about 10 years older than mine, and live very locally to PIL. They did the odd baby sit and had our DC overnight a handful of times but they live further away anyway so not practical to babysit on a regular basis.

SIL has taken on more involvement with IL now they are elderly and in a way I feel like they've mutually benefitted

It makes a massive massive difference to have help, even if it’s just someone to call in an emergency. We have none from either side and I do resent it. Not because I’m ‘entitled’ and expect them to pick up my slack, but because there have been times when we have been desperately struggling and they just don’t give a shit. That IMO is selfish.

I come from a different breed i was raised with a saying like this.
You have them you look after them dont come running to me harsh but true.
Why have children if you want a babysitter all the time.

That is very sad.

I believe that the grandparent relationship should be special, not that of a wrap-around lesser-parent.

Babysitting sometimes and covering emergencies, absolutely. Regular planned childcare, definitely not.

I don't want or need my children to do anything for me, I have my own provision for that.

Hope you also never sent uour kids to school or nursery? Or left them with your OH? Otherwise why bother having them?

I dont have kids.
So i dont have to worry.

Should they? The answer is yes, if they want to.

Well by the same token, why have children that you can't manage to take care of? Circumstances change, health changes and there are some really selfish parents out there berating the fact that their parents can't/won't 'step in' to save the family £££ a week. It's pathetic.

Your own grandparents, if they didn't need to step in for practical reasons, would have just been able to focus on seeing their grandchild without the looming 'need' behind it. I'm glad for you that you had the help but don't imagine for a minute that the practical need won't have impacted your grandparents.

This bit's not to you, chingaling, but that's the obligation, they either step in and help or, they're crappy people causing financial ruin of two entitled parents who can't afford their child(ren) otherwise. That is a terrible position to put your presumably loved, parents in.

Of course grandparents don't have to help with childcare and of course parents shouldn't pressure them to.

But if they don't make time to spend with their grandchildren, then there is obviously going to be a much weaker bond.

And I do think families should help each other in an emergency. I'm always a bit gobsmacked to hear of grandparents who won't have the kids when the mum goes into labour so the dad can also attend the birth, as tbh that's something I would do for any acquaintance if needed, let alone family or close friends.

I haven't voted but honestly I just can't fathom thus. I loved having children although it was emotionally, physically, financially and psychologicaly challenging. Compared to revisiting it with their children which is an utter joy I can't understand why you wouldn't want to do it. Being a grandma and offering regular childcare is the best thing I have ever done.

YABU.

I'm at/getting towards grandparent age now and my take on it is that I am part of a family and as I chose to have a children, and indirectly I chose to have grandchildren and all that it brings.

I wouldn't look after my grandchildren full time (unless real extenuating circumstances) whilst their parents worked but I would definitely pitch in a bit with it (maybe 1-2 days week of childcare max/help with school drop-offs/pick ups) it I was able to (lived close enough and well enough).

I would ask/offer to have them too so that their parents are free to get on with something else other than work (and hopefully my grandchildren and I would enjoy this too!). I wouldn't pitch this as either a favour or a right though. Just something that hopefully everyone would enjoy now and again.

People without help do manage. Obviously. Because we have to. Stupid thing to say.

I think if they're available (not working, not a carer, able and well) and live reasonably nearby or can travel, yes, they should. I would be jumping at any opportunity to help my dc if they choose to have children, including using some annual leave to do it if I was still working then.

That said, in our families, we are the first generation (we're in our 40s) not to have much grandparent help. It was just assumed and the norm in our parents' generations (now in 70s). Neither of them used any paid childcare outside of say holiday clubs or camps for enrichment. My grandparents had me full time 8am-6pm from 3 months until I started school, though I did go to part-time preschool a few days a week towards the older end of that. And then they had me after school every day, for every school holiday, and some weekends. Except when we went away on an actual holiday, I don't recall my mum ever taking a day off just to look after me in the school holidays (and certainly my dad never did).

For dh, was the same, though his grandparents lived next door so I just he more just roamed around and played and they probably kept an eye out for him.

For us, we don't have family help really, certainly not for regular childcare, though I'm happy with that because it's more trouble than it's worth. MIL can't really be unsupervised with dc (due to health and safeguarding issues) and she can't have dc visit her house (also for safeguarding issues and her partner wouldn't allow it anyway, even if we would). So if she is to ever look after dc, which is pretty much never, it's at our house with us home in the next room (more hassle than help) or we have to arrange for another family member to come stay to babysit MIL while MIL babysits dc. Also more hassle than it's worth

Plus last time we did this and went away for two nights (only the 3rd time we've ever been away overnight in a decade), MIL and family member who was meant to be minding her mostly just got drunk on wine and my dc had to put themselves to bed (5 year old passed out asleep on older sister's bedroom floor and my 10 year old had to get him up at 11pm and put him to bed properly 🙄). We probably won't be asking for any help again.

So yes, I hope to be of help to my dc one day if they need me to help with childcare - and I hope I'll do a better job than that.

My parents have done a couple of times in the last 18 years but they live too far away really. In laws have done it a few times, mostly in an emergency, only about 5 or 6 times so we could have fun. But their help comes with conditions so mostly we don't bother. They look after dn's about half of the school holidays though

You can't make anyone help but I do think it's rubbish when grandparents don't help (health/work reasons aside).

We've been lucky to have lots of help and I fully intend to do the same with may grandchildren, if I have any.

One set of grandparents never did anything with us and or other set of grandparents passed away before we were born, so we never had that set up. It's been such a joy watching the bond between our kids and their grandparents and it makes me a bit sad to think we missed out on that. I also have renewed respect for the grind my parents had and can see how it impacted them - in particular I think it really impacted my mothers mental health in a big way, as she was struggling with other family issues as well as raising three young kids. It makes me look back at my grandparents differently that they didn't even offer a couple of hours of watching us to help when they were able and loved so close to us. Just really selfish.