To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

ill never get bored of going on holidays and travelling the world.

Same here, I do struggle a bit when people aren’t interested in seeing everything. I have such an urge to go to new places, I’m on a frenzy at the moment, I keep saying to myself book more trips while I have my health.
I love it when my adult DC book trips too.

I have quite a bucket list as well!

It’s so daft to suggest that what fulfills one person (having children, for example) will fulfill another, we all have different needs.

Childfree people aren’t one homogenous group either, my childfree SIL’s are polar opposites in what makes them happy. One has chosen a lifestyle and career that involves a lot of travel, she’s always jetting off to new places, she’s just got back from a monthlong trip to various Asian countries. Another SIL, however, barely goes anywhere even locally, she likes staying at home with her dogs.

I’m somewhere between the two and we all seem to be fairly contented people.

Ah. Advanced search is very revealing!

What is loneliness? I have never experienced it and don't really understand what it is or why it is so dreaded.

I was lonely in my early twenties when I moved to London. Early twenties is supposed to be a common time for loneliness.

But that is the point. Life actually is pointless. I don't mean that in a morbid way, but ultimately we are all on this planet for a set period of time and then it's over. So why not spend that time doing the things that you enjoy?

In your case that might be having children. In my case it isn't. Our lives are meaningless regardless.

I don’t think you’ve really answered the point raised by previous posters- where does this leave those who can’t have children? Do we just give up and resign ourselves to a sad, meaningless life? Do you not see how grandly making statements that there is no point to being alive without children might be incredibly hurtful? Not to mention extremely rude to those women who have perfectly reasonably make their choice to not have children.

I can see why someone with such a sense of adventure would struggle to understand people who don't want to travel but a lack of desire to travel doesn't necessarily mean the lack of an inquiring mind or interest in the world.

To me the inconvenience, expense, discomfort and carbon footprint of travel are not outweighed by the advantages. I have travelled and I've also lived and worked in a tourist destination and seen the down side of tourism on a community.

My mind is occupied by looking in close detail at the world on my doorstep. I'm an avid nature watcher and fascinated in the wildlife on my doorstep . I also volunteer for the National Trust and local history group and pore over the past through via them.

We're all different and that's wonderful.

You are quite right. The fact is though, for women of that age having children was the norm and to remain childless then was probably not through personal choice.

I think those of us who are happily childfree can just roll our eyes & metaphorically pat Nappy on the head. It’s the women who couldn’t have kids that she ought to apologise to.

This. I had a much stronger social network before kids.

Not really. I had two kids, and have 5 adult GCs. All good. But, I’ve got childless friends (pensioners now) that are just as happy as I am.

Life does as it does. We all find the way.🙂

I think it is very much down to the individual and their personality.

You are right, and I am very happy with my life now- it hasn’t turned out quite how I expected but I have accepted my lot and have built a very happy childfree life. So I can also roll my eyes at this sort of comment. But I am aware that not everyone is in that place, and I just can’t believe that some posters can be so damn insensitive when they come out with these ridiculous statements.

Just goes to show that becoming a mother does not necessarily make you a better, more empathetic person.

As others have said, the idea that the point of my life is just to produce more people, who will in turn go on to produce more people, is utterly terrifying to me. It makes me think, well, what’s the point in anything? I find that very uncomfortable. I’d rather think that my time on this earth is to be the best version of myself that I can. We only get one life and I want to appreciate all that’s in it, not just hand on the baton to the next generation as soon as I pop out an offspring.

As others have said, the idea that the point of my life is just to produce more people, who will in turn go on to produce more people, is utterly terrifying to me

Makes me think of the Larkin poem.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

I suppose it depends on what your childhood was like? I had a mostly happy childhood and my parents were mostly great; not perfect but good enough. I don't think they handed on misery to me and I don't think I have handed on misery to my DC, apart from the usual problems of life. I like to think I have given them plenty of joy.

Op, here’s something else to think about: what if you develop Alzheimer’s and can’t even remember who your children are?

I had a mostly happy childhood and my parents were mostly great; not perfect but good enough.

Me too. But that didn’t leave me with the urge to have kids of my own. What maternal streak I have is directed at cats, & I have several friends who feel the same way.

Op, here’s something else to think about: what if you develop Alzheimer’s and can’t even remember who your children are?

I visited my DM today and she now calls me mum half the time now, I stood right in front of her and for about 15 seconds I could tell she didn’t know it was me. It wasn’t until I spoke I knew she recognised me.

Agreed.

Also it’s not true. I heard on a podcast recently that statically the happiest people in society are child free single women.

Once a woman gets married her happiness levels drop and they fall even further with each child she has!

For men it’s the other way around their happiness goes up with marriage so the best thing they can do is to find a woman to attach themselves too.

I’m married with two kids (happily :) so no bias here.

@FinallyFeb That sounds very hard for you. 💐

An unapologetic NRTFT.

We have now adult DC. We have several DINK friends. They actually almost have an advantage in that they have had to build their relationships and pastimes around each other, family and friends. Whereas many of the couples we know who are parents have spent most of their marriages with kids filling a huge part of the space, at home, nights out, holidays etc. Moving into retirement, our friends with no DC are far better placed not to be lonely as they have been building adult friendship groups & building hobbies etc for the last couple of decades whilst we were focused on DC. They also have really good relationships with their nieces and nephews - probably stronger than we do with ours because their nieces and nephews were the most important children in their lives - so even in their 'old age' they will be well looked after.

‘I also think its odd for non-parents to come on here, isn't the motto "for parents by parents"? ‘

something like that. I do think it’s a bit odd,
particularly if you’re in the never having kids by choice camp. I wasn’t anywhere near MN til I was pregnant.
I don’t play golf so I’m not on golfing sites or forums, I’m not into fashion so I’m not reading Vogue or on fashion blogs or chats.

Why would you bother??

‘Makes me think of the Larkin poem.’

ah yes, Larkin that famous bigot and racist, a misanthrope who famously,
deliberately never had children and seem to hate the world and everyone in it. What a role model and example of happiness he was…