To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

Even someone who is 90 today would only have been 5 or 6 when the war broke out! Far too young to have lost a partner during the war.

The one thing I have zero regrets about is choosing not to have children.

I just think it’s odd that all these elderly childless women are confiding their regrets in you when that goes against all research into this area

If she working in NHs I can see why- they can make you feel shit for not having people on tap and fitting round their services. I had it lot with limited to no childcare while pg - at one point I was told had to have hospital birth and we said okay but DH would have to say with our existing kids - oh you won't be allowed to give birth without a birth partner .

Plus care can be so bad on some wards - honestly think without DMum and sibling who live nearby going in every day between them last couple of hospitals visits would have killed Dad.

DH uncle is estranged for his kids - after pressure to name some family member he put FIL down though they hadn't spoken in a few years - then FIL was dealing with hospital calls.

It's probably less regret more made to feel embarrassed for not fitting some ideal staff have in mind.

The one thing I have zero regrets about is choosing not to have children.

Me too - the primary thing, at least. I feel a sense of relief if I think about it.

Fair enough. I only meant that many people I know often think about the road not taken.

@Lentilweaver I do actually agree with you too for the most part. I'm sure some people do feel less adamant about that - for others, it might be a job, travel opportunity, romantic partner etc. I suppose we'll find out when we're in our eighties!

I think if you are in a residential home and see someone else there being visited by loving children and spoilt a bit then it would be natural to wonder if you should have had children. But that is ignoring that your children may not have or rarely have visited. You may have had a child who needed life long care and even when you are in a home yourself you may worry about how well they are being cared for. Lots of less than ideal scenarios.

We all make decisions that we do not know how they will work out in the long run. Having children or not, getting married or not, making lots of friends or not - all can lead to a happy or unhappy life. We can only make the decisions that seem the best at the time.
I personally do not believe in making decisions that will be best for when I am extremely elderly and maybe in a home. For most people that is an extremely small part of their life.

@Lentilweaver My Dad (85) certainly talks about his regrets in life sometimes, perhaps it’s an inevitable consequence of being near the end of your journey? He knows that he’s got limited time and strength to do things differently. Everyone will have certain regrets in life about all manner of things. When he’s feeling grumpy he occasionally says that he regrets having me, which is so lovely to hear. 😂

@RhubarbGingerJam I agree. I was on a ward in my early 30s (suspected cancer, lifesaving hysterectomy) and we were not only all asked by the nurses if we had a family, but we overheard them talking about how much sadder the cancer cases were when it was a mum versus when it wasn't.

I've also seen what you talk about happen with older relatives.

@fitzwilliamdarcy That is dreadful.

If you don't have kids then what is the point, what is it all for? You can earn all the money in the world but surely all the holidays and spending gets boring once you've seen it all and done it all.

Having children is just one of the most amazing things. It's hard work and they do cost a lot, but so worth it.

All of this is your opinion. Other people feel differently. This really shouldn't be difficult for a grown adult to understand.

And where to people who can’t have children fit into this so limited way of thinking that you have, @nappyvalley2024?

@nappyvalley2024 do you think it is possible to see it all and do it all?
Do you really get no enjoyment from anything except when with your children?

Of course I do, but nothing compares to the joy of parenting.

@nappyvalley2024 how many children do you have and how old are they?

You realise it's quite a big world? And you can care deeply about the people in your life without having to birth and raise them yourself?

I'm always broke by the end of the month despite being childfree, just because I'm on a crap wage. So it's not about money and travel etc. It is about my life being my own. Long walks with DH, spontaneous plans, visiting friends, hobbies, lazy Saturdays. Currently I am working towards a new personal best for an upcoming half marathon. All those things give my life great meaning and I'm very happy with my lot.

Personally, I don't see any joy in the constant logistical battle of school runs and childcare and giving up the weekend to drop children off at various activities plus all the extra housework, lack of time to myself. That doesn't sound like much of a life to me. But I understand that's not the case for many people.

Be careful. It sounds like you are one of those women whose entire identify is tied up in their offspring. If things ever go wrong, you might feel extremely lost if your life lacks meaning in other ways.

'Be careful. It sounds like you are one of those women whose entire identify is tied up in their offspring. If things ever go wrong, you might feel extremely lost if your life lacks meaning in other ways.'

What a horrible post.

I have lots of meaning in my life, enjoy my career and lots of friends and family. But yes you are right I would be lost without my children...

Agree

And your post about life being pointless without children wasn't horrible at all? I'm sure some people who can't have yet want children felt great reading that.

I don't have any children. DH has 2 older DC but I'm not close to them. Many friends have DC but they have gone to live overseas, or moved miles away and they rarely see them. One friend who is divorced and has one DD she's always been super close to, but the daughter now lives in Australia and is pregnant, so unlikely she will return. My friend sees her once a year.
Having children is absolutely no guarantee of company in later years.
I have friends, enjoy my own company and time with DH.
YABU, you can be lonely with or without DC. it's upto each individual to make their own lives.

I mean, you did say that those without children had pointless lives, which wasn't the kindest or most open minded comment. It's good that you now acknowledge that meaning can come from many places.

YABU

All the DINKS I know tend to put a lot of effort into friendship and relationships and hobbies and are anything but lonely.

In contract, I know quite a few parents of older kids who really struggle once the kids leave home. Their entire life was about the kids for so many years, there isn't much of a life left once they've flown the nest. So they have to almost restart, rebuild their lives.

Ah yes because all childfree women do is go on holiday and spend money. Are you really that lacking in imagination?
I didn't have children because to me no, its not worth it, reading some of the horror stories about parenting on here has only confirmed that I made the right choice. YMMV but there are loads of things that make life worth living other than children.