To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

That reminds me of “Cat’s In The Cradle” by Harry Chapin.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=puJt66y0TBw

I actually wonder if it isn't a lonelier feeling to have children but not be close with them in their adulthood than it is to not have them at all.

Agreed. I’d rather be childless in my old age than have children who don’t give a shit about me.

No, the OP is these things. The vast majority of other posters, regardless of whether they are parents or not, disagree with her post.

Dm is in her 80s and the majority of her friends have no kids. They mostly seem content with their lot, have enough money for a comfortable life and unlike my dm don't have a dc currently in a hospice with only weeks to live so are not very stressed and upset.

Also, as I've unfortunately found out, I'd rather not have a man who didn't give a shit about me!

All the research shows that it is not until you are really elderly that people with children are less lonely. If you are bedridden or housebound then yes you are less likely to be lonely if you have children. Because your friends are likely to be very elderly as well and may be unable to visit you.
The rest of your life it makes no difference. People who are good at being sociable and having good relationships with family or friends do so whether they have children or not.

We have that in our family too! My late childless aunt was always hosted by dm or her other sister even when their dc had flown the nest. Same with dm's childless friends- it's always dm doing the hosting.

Db was I hospital for 3 months and in the last ward there was a gentleman who was in for about a month. He had come from a care home (aged about 75) and had a tracheostomy. The whole time he was there he never had one visitor. I don't know if he has children but it was sad.

Factually those without children are happier than those with children. When looking at the stats. (Unmarried childless women being the happiest category, followed by married childfree men)

So on that basis YABU

It’s bizarre, isn’t it, @Manthide Why are capable professionals with otherwise functional lives mysteriously unable to cook meals and host a family gathering?! It makes no sense and it’s not v. nice to imply that someone just can’t cope with it.

@BruFord I have seen that too. But usually families with younger children do not want to travel. In our family those with younger children would never travel to the childfree adults who all live some distance away.

Perhaps his children had emigrated.

Maybe he was a massive twat, you don’t know!

@KimberleyClark I wouldn’t view that as a valid excuse, tbh. I don’t live in the same country as my Dad, but I ring him several times a week and use leave to visit every few months. Thanks to technology, I can even do things for him remotely, like arranging a cleaner and meal deliveries, thank goodness,

Unless that man in the hospital was abusive, I’d view that as disgusting behavior by adult children. I know I’m being v . judgmental, but I feel strongly about neglecting older people.

@KimberleyClark you either had a lot of leave to visit every few months, or lived fairly near even if in another country.

Opposite in my family - I am the single childless aunt and I host Christmas and birthdays.

one reason that the single childless aunt or uncle isn’t expected to cook could be they are only one person and don’t add a lot of effort or expense to the host if someone else is cooking. Whereas the relative with a partner and a lot of kids is much more difficult and expensive to have as a guest

I love hosting Christmas, but I know my sister feels guilty that I do all the work for her family of five!l, and when she cooks for me she barely notices the difference because I come alone!

@Bellyblueboy It’s all give and take, isn’t it. We have to order takeaways or go out to eat if we visit DH’s siblings. Seriously, it’s bizarre. And bloomin’ expensive!

Doesn’t flat / house size come into it too?

I love hosting but I’m in a one-bedroom flat. My table can seat six at a squeeze but get-togethers of more than that usually have to be buffets.

@EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel I’m sure that’s a factor in some cases, but everyone has at least a three-bedroom house in DH’s family.

Last time we visited DH’s sister, I offered to buy and cook something myself, but the offer was rejected. It’s such a weird dynamic.

That really is weird!

It's probably because I'm neurodivergent af but I can't stand disingenuous people. Like if you want to shit talk about how sad people without kids are, just do it and own your opinion. But to pretend like you're only asking etc and get hurt when people call you out is maddening.

Preach, Iced! Love it!!!

Yes. I have worked in elderly care for ten years and have never met anyone who didn't regret not having kids / upset about not being able to have them. But this is 80/90 year olds I'm talking about.

Hm. If it’s living as I want until I’m 80/90 years old with the risk that I might regret it later, as opposed to having had kids I don’t want in the hope that I might be grateful for them at some far distant point, I think I’m glad I went with the first option.

Agree. I may well live that long (the women in my family are very long-lived) and nothing would make me wish I'd had children.