To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

When you do go to family gatherings as you mentioned in a previous post, who hosts them and who travels, @TarantinoIsAMisogynist? I’m curious as there’s definitely a trend in my DH’s family ( I’m from a tiny family so there’s no options).

So you don’t want children, you had them accidentally so you’re now a parent because that’s just the way it turned out and you’d now like to discuss how terrible the lives of people who don’t want, or can’t have, children are? I think maybe that’s something you need to look at rather than starting a thread like this.

@Karensalright you seem incredibly smug and rather insufferable
What an unpleasant person I suspect you are, a wash with utter glee at other people perceived misery and really rather ghastly

I have a child but no partner. I don't see how it's any different. What if my child chooses to move to Australia? I need to carve out my own life that doesn't revolve around regular visits from my child as who knows what the future holds.

Sounds awful. I am only 53 but trying to plan that should we develop dementia, our wonderful kids don’t have to look after us and be tied to a hideous rota. I will try and ‘future-proof’ our lives.

It is easy to get lazy and just create a small world where you mainly see family. I prefer to see friends and meet new people and do new things as it keeps my brain active.

Your life sounds suffocating to me. But you like it. It’s definitely not for everyone though.

I hope your kids don’t feel obliged to see you and make ‘duty’ visits as you spout ‘family is everything’ at them.

One of My biggest fears is my kids feeling that have to visit me out of a sense of duty (like I do to my subpar parents). I tell my kids (at uni) that I only ever want them to visit because they want to. I don’t want to be a ‘job’ for them ever. They claim they will always want to spend time with me. But let’s see ;-)

I don’t think your sister is selfish for not liking kids but liking animals.

In DH's family, his parents or his brother host (due to location - they are based most centrally to everyone). In my family, either me or my sister host (due to space, my parents have tiny houses).

This only works if you all live relatively locally - for most families I know that isn't the case. It's pretty normal to live several hours drive away from family members, or even in another country, these days. People move for work, relationships etc. Our worlds are larger now than they used to be when everyone stayed in the same village.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist Exactly. I moved a continent away from family and PILs nearest child is hundreds of miles from them.
Yes some people stay all their lives in the same town they were born in but that certainly isn't for everyone.

No, why would you think that people without kids must be lonely? Not a DINK , but a SINK… single income no kids. I live alone. Work full time. Care for elderly parents. Have a wonderful group of friends, and we make time to see one another because we want to. No sense of familial duty to see them, just wanting to. When you live alone, or don’t have kids, you nurture the relationships you have. I think the OP has a very narrow view of today’s world. All sorts of people in all sorts of relationships, just because they don’t have children, you think they’re going to facing loneliness and devastation?

The loneliest person I know is a family friend, who had 3 children, all of whom emigrated, Australia, New Zealand, USA. She sees one of them every few years. Having children is not the ultimate panacea for loneliness.

I agree....I have a small family as my parents are dead..they died when I was young...I'm so grateful for the family i do have and my two DC. Friends are no substitute at all. It's mother's day this weekend....I can guarantee every one of my friends will be busy with their family, whether they have children or not. I'm genuinely amazed so many people on here have such good friends that they make up for a lack of family. I have some v. good friends who I know would be there for me in a crisis but there own families take priority over me and vice versa.

@Comedycook Where is your husband in all of this?
I don't personally rely on friends all that much but I have DH, so I'm never lonely.

Yes I have him. I agree a happy relationship makes the world of difference regardless of whether you have children or extended family.

I'm NC with my dad, I'm closer with my friends. I have my DS and mum and I will be seeing her this weekend but if I didn't I wouldn't care about spending the weekend alone.

Yes I have him. I agree a happy relationship makes the world of difference regardless of whether you have children or extended family

I genuinely didn't want children getting in the way of my relationship (well, I genuinely didn't want them full stop) and it's been the best decision ever for us, twenty years later and still loved up and beat friends, and still feel like we're on an adventure together.

I don't have a partner, or children. I'm on the of those people you don't believe exists - I have friends who are like family.

It's really not one size fits all and doesn't always make the world of difference.

Definitely just goes to show how different people are as I'm single with no desire for a relationship. There's no one size fits all and we can all be happy with different things.

I must have a really awful DH and DC because after over 22 years of being married and having children, I quite like going away by myself, and spending time with friends rather than spend all my time with them. DH is quite a quiet man and needs alone time, so I do stuff with him and without him.

Sadly, I do not have any other family in the UK. But if I did, I would still try to make friends because family does not meet all my needs.

Definitely just goes to show how different people are as I'm single with no desire for a relationship. There's no one size fits all and we can all be happy with different things.

Exactly! And I hope I wouldn't be so narrow-minded as to suggest that a romantic relationship is the only pathway to happiness, the way some seem to suggest that having children are.
I only bring out the smugness in response to those that insist that the child free have sad, empty, lonely lives.

Actually, we don't do Mothers' Day in our family. I think it's a creation of greeting card manufacturers, and it's not part of my culture really. This weekend I am going to the theatre with a single, childfree friend. So you see @Comedycook everybody does things differently.

@Karensalright

plus most of us have to work!

life is not all about family. Travel, your career, fitness, hobbies, do all those things not matter??

If the only reason you aren’t lonely, is because you rely on your kids for company, then that’s not great either, is it?

And I’m both single and childfree, with no desire to change either of those situations. And I’m never lonely, and very rarely bored. I holiday alone, eat out alone, go to gigs, concerts, plays, matches, cinema alone etc. I do those things with others at times too, but I am equally if not more content in my own company. I have extended family and friends, but choose to spend Christmas alone. We all have different needs and wants, all part of life’s rich tapestry. I couldn’t bear the type of family life that some are describing here, it sounds suffocating.

The hetro couples I know without children have a much happier marriage because there isn't the unfair division of labour that so often comes with children.