To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

I'm older and my parents and older relatives are long gone. I see very little of the few relatives who remain. I manage just fine.

Yes, yes Op, all people with no kids are gonna be terrible lonely and remorseful in their older age, wishing they hadn’t been so hedonistic and frivolous cos their lives have no purpose and they bitterly wish they had done what you have done and had kids.

is that what you wanna hear? @Aintbaint

I see my Dad about twice a year, my kids see him less than that.
lets hope he wasn’t assuming I would be around, just as I would never assume my kids will be around.

Ah, this is a ‘I was/am butthurt as hell watching my childfree friends enjoy/enjoying life without the same pressures that I’ve faced, and I want to imagine that I’m actually in the better position and that they’re all secretly suffering, looking upon me with envy. Please validate this’

A classic. If they seem depressed in your company OP, it may very well be because they’re regretting a particular life choice, just not the one concerning children.

🤣🤣 Although tbf, @InterIgnis, most parents do enjoy being parents and don’t envy their childfree friends. At least that’s my experience, I’m sure there are a few misery guts out there.
We’re so lucky to have the choice nowadays due to contraception.

Oh I don’t doubt it! They’re the ones getting on with life and being happy with their choices though, they’re not worried about being seen as having made the ‘better’ choice in comparison to those that made different ones.

I feel sorry for posters like the OP who's lives are so boring and pointless they literally have to give birth to people to have someone to hang out with them. And ever then they have to start goady threads to feel superior to those of us living happy, fulfilling lives without kids. It's sad.
There really is no need to try to pit women against each other like this. Like having kids? Great! Like not having kids? Also great!

I should have added to my post that I'm a parent and I wouldn't change it but I have plenty of friends of all ages and my parents have plenty of friends who don't have kids. I've never even gave it much thought, I certainly don't think any of them are lonely or missing out on anything. They all have rich, full lives and I certainly don't think any of them will be any worse off than me when we get older just because I have children.

There's advantages and disadvantages to any situation. People should be free to live the lives they want without people pitying them or feeling sorry for them.

@BruFord

iM not sure the child free ones are the miserable ones tbh, given that lots of aspects of child bearing are pretty…well… miserable! Loads of threads on here indicate that.

@LuckySantangelo35 I meant that there are probably a few miserable parents out there who regret their choice. I don’t personally know any, and tbh, with reliable contraception nowadays, it’s probably just a handful. I’m sure it was different 60 years ago though.

Surely when children have left home they are no longer the focus point. I feel kids being the focus point isn’t necessarily a great thing and you lose your sense of self. I’m looking forward to getting me back. 2 of mine have already left.

There is nothing in the lives of parents I have ever wanted for myself. Tales of toilet training, school groups, school shows, after-school activities, teenagers' angst, family fights with exes and step-children... Make me soooo grateful I have never had, never will I have to deal with all that madness. I have never felt lonely except in the last years of my marriage, and I was not alone.

We are all different. While for some people (especially women) dedicating their lives to raising children helps them feel less lonely, and give their lives focus, for me the mere thought of having someone who is fully dependent on me for 20+ years makes my blood freeze. My life has always had focus and purpose, which is exactly the one I give it. I have never felt lost or hopeless. I have plenty of interests, friends, and have had different parrtners, and have enjoyed my single life as much as I enjoy my partnered life. Not once in my 47 years of life have I yearned for children, or worried whether I'd be lonely in my old age. It seems to me that the worry of future loneliness affects overwhelmingly women with children, because they are the only ones I have ever heard talking about it. Not one of my childless or childfree friends have ever showed any concern about this.

Dion't get me wrong, anybody can end up feeling lonely in old age (and in young age), however it never even occurred to me that having children would somehow be a magical protection against future loneliness. The loneliest people I have ever met have children they never see, or they don't see enough according to their own judgment (which is often the same judgment that keeps their children from visiting).

I think everyone worries about their own worst fears. I have never been concerned or afraid of being lonely, so I guess that fear has never made it to my list of priorities.

But you’re coming across in that way with your apparent conviction that because all the childfree people you know spend loads of time with their family, we all must. I’m close to my dad & sister & get on with other relatives but while we talk & text, I only see them once every couple of months at most. I see the younger generation at family get-togethers maybe once or twice a year.

I made new friends in my 40s & I’m currently making more in my 50s.

But that's only YOUR experience. The fact that you have posted so many times, saying exactly the same thing, shows how incapable you are of understanding that not everyone is the same.

Why is not having children selfish? Ask people ‘why’ they had kids and they’ll tell you ‘because i wanted them’ or ‘so my family line doesn’t die out’ or ‘so we won’t be lonely when old’. Now THAT is selfish!

As an accidental parent I’m certainly not ‘smug’ about having kids, didn’t expect to, but have and that’s just the way it turned out.

How can you be an accidental parent? You chose to continue a pregnancy.

Unless you were one of those rare cases that didn't realise they were pregnant until they went into labour.

It depends where you socialise and what you do.

I made friends at work in my 20s,
I also did some adult short courses in my early 20s. Made both friends at the time and ones that have lasted 18ish years.

In my mid 20s I started a new volunteer role, we're aged from late teens to mid 70s. I have occasion friends - people I see when we're thinking who I like allot but also friends that I see outside of it, and have for around 15 years.
That's excluding school gate moms

I think her sister is a selfish person and also happens to br a person who didn't want or have kids, not a selfish person because she didn't want or have kids.

You are certainly coming across that way from your posts, whether intentional or not

I also think its odd for non-parents to come on here, isn't the motto "for parents by parents"? I guess there are other interest-specific boards? Idk, I thought that was what reddit was for haha

Personally, the DINKS I know are waaaaay happier than the parents I know, but we've all got very young children and in the thick of baby/toddlerhood.

People get defensive whichever side of the fence they land on. I think it's because of the amount of judgement women face regardless of their decision to have children.

All I can tell you is that my mum was a nurse for many years and then became a warden for a sheltered housing scheme. Many of the older people who lived on the scheme had adult children, often more than one but they rarely visited or only came when they wanted money. My mother lost count of the times she would pop in in the morning to check on the oldies and they would be super excited because they had been promised a visit but which never materialised week after week after week as the children were 'too busy'. Perhaps a duty visit for 5 or 10 minutes once a month. These children however were the first to knock my mother's door demanding to know if my mother knew where their parent's will was once the person had died! Having children is no guarantee that you won't be lonely in old age and many grandchildren don't want to be bothered once they hit their teen years. A sad reflection of the society we have become.

Except they have far less, financially than they would have were they genuine “DINKS”! Hopefully they have nice places to stay though, for holidays and breaks.😉

@Procrastination4 Ah, but as people keep saying, solid friendships and interests are the most important things, not just money and certainly not just family.

Idk, I thought that was what reddit was for haha

Did you know there's even a child free MN section?

Reddit is a misogynistic binfire, unlike MNs awesome feminism section. I'm mostly here for the tervery.