To Ask Them To Be Considerate and Quiet?

[Charliesunnysky10]

My son is 19 and works nights and earlies. He never complains about the shift work but is struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep with the noise generated by our household. What’s worse, both he and I have appealed to DH & DD who is 16 to be considerate, and I feel like they are making no effort to be quieter/stop putting landing lights on etc. I feel like they're being selfish and bratty at times.

He pays £350 per month and I think he deserves a bit of consideration. It’s a 3-storey terrace (loft conversion as we couldn't afford to move to a bigger place) and DD is on the top floor, which would be better for him, but it’s too late to switch everything around now - she needs the bigger room as she often has a friend to stay over as her school's not local.

He’s on the middle floor and both DD & DH are coming up the creaky stairs throughout the evening, when he’s gone to bed at 8pm for a 4am start. Even in the day, when he’s come off nights he can’t have any peace, as DH works 4 on/4 off, and will wake him having a shower (the tapping of the water pipes goes on for hours) or clattering away in the kitchen (which is under DS’s room) during the daytime. A friend suggested going out more, but that doesn't really work as DD needs to be revising for GCSE's at home, and we can't afford to eat out often. We'd wake him coming back home later anyway.

It’s making me angry and frustrated seeing him so tired, and when I remind DH & DS to fit noisy tasks like unpacking the dishwasher or showering round when DS is up, they say things like ‘we’re prisoners in our own home’ and ‘he should get a day job like everyone else’. He has tried unsuccessfully, and to be honest everything else about his job he likes – the team are nice and it’s very local. I feel so sorry because he’s just a touch above NMW and has no hope of moving to his own place; another room in a shared house would be no better either.

What can I do to help? It's causing a real rift. Even the cat is against him getting sleep - he has to shut her on the ground floor and if if she escapes upstairs she zooms round, and scrats on his door.

I'm sorry, but you cannot expect the whole household to tiptoe around and not do normal stuff during the day and evenings just because one person works shifts. The rest of the family should be able to use the kitchen, shower and go up and down the stairs during the day, and your 19-year-old needs to learn to sleep through it, invest in earplugs or find another job.

Also, I guarantee you that even the house was quiet all the time, he'd still be tired, because night shifts just do that to you, whether you get enough sleep or not. It messes with your body clock.

Has he got ear plugs?

I think until you actually work nights you can't empathise or comment. It's absolute torture being woken up by household noise when you are trying to sleep. Make your DD swap rooms with him, he won't be living there or working nights for ever so reassure her it's temporary. I also use a fan next to the bed for some 'white noise' that may help, poor bloke.

I suggest running a fan in his room when he sleeps the white noise helps to drown out all the other noise

I think the person who has a job and is contributing to the household needs the out-of-the-way room more than the schoolchild who has a mate over every now and again.

And I agree with a PP: unless you have worked unsociable hours, you cannot imagine the hell that is being unable to get at least a few hours of good sleep.

It doesn't sound like they're doing anything unreasonable though - walking around the house, having a shower, using the kitchen. My dad worked nights and we used to stay out of his way when he was asleep in the day, but we were still able to function normally.

I think he should swap rooms with his sister.

Maybe a bit of input from both sides will be best. Earplugs/ eye mask and fix the creaky stairs. Wraparound headphones that play white noise might help. If the shower is particularly noisy and DS sleeps what, 8-3 then can DH have his shower around those times? I do think his need for the loft room is greater than DD's.

He and your daughter need to swop rooms. Her having friends to stay regularly makes it even more important fir him to have a room above her rather than below. Plus he's paying, she isn't, he's working she isn't, her behaviour is entitled, his isn't.

I agree with swapping the rooms around and letting him go on the top floor.

There being arseholes how would they feel if when he gets up for 4am start he clatters about waking them up

tip toeing and silence is unreasonable but he not asking for that just a bit of consideration

@KreedKafer Thanks. I wasn't wanting everyone to agree - I really want to gauge opinion. I'm not expecting them to tiptoe, just be a bit quieter. But yeah - maybe I'm being a bit OTT. I just think they need to be mindful. I'm proud of him that he's working a sometimes difficult job and think he deserves a break.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor He does have earplugs, but they're only the cheap squashy ones. Will look at better ones - thank you.

He needs to swap rooms at the very least.

Swapping the rooms seems the best option. If it means no sleepovers, so be it. You could perhaps offer occasional lifts home for DD's friends as a bit of compensation.

The three I live with are incapable of being really quiet though, it's unbelievable how noisy they can be, drives me a bit mad.

So incapable of proper consideration around noise issues.

Green queen,I agree, I was nursing 30 years nights. I wore ear plugs,eye mask,if I was lucky slept for 3 hours. I did expect people to be respectful, same as presumably you would be in the night.It was relatives coming to stay, people ringing the doorbell, although I had a proper laminated sign, nice and polite saying "night shift please do not disturb.

Swapping rooms is awkward but the right thing to do

Pick a weekend and swap the rooms around. Seems like a big task but won't be that bad.

He should have the loft room 100%.

Shift work has other potential costs, being tired & the upset of sleep pattern changes;- he may be more sensitive and vulnerable because he's tired so their thoughtlessness will be magnified for him.

I don't get why people don't have more empathy but I live with three people who are generally kind but not good at being quiet or ever thinking that they really should be.

This. Or you stop charging him rent so he can save to invest in education or a car or whatever brings him more employment choices.

Shift workers do deserve consideration in the family home.

I think he goes in the quieter room.

This means the lower part of the house will be more relaxed and he'll get better sleep.

I agree that you need to make the effort to swap their rooms.

@Allshallbewell2021 Thank you. I did full nights myself, before I had the kids and it was so tough.

Swapping rooms would solve 90% of those problems. Your son's need for sleep trumps your daughter having a sleepover.