To Ask Them To Be Considerate and Quiet?

[Charliesunnysky10]

My son is 19 and works nights and earlies. He never complains about the shift work but is struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep with the noise generated by our household. What’s worse, both he and I have appealed to DH & DD who is 16 to be considerate, and I feel like they are making no effort to be quieter/stop putting landing lights on etc. I feel like they're being selfish and bratty at times.

He pays £350 per month and I think he deserves a bit of consideration. It’s a 3-storey terrace (loft conversion as we couldn't afford to move to a bigger place) and DD is on the top floor, which would be better for him, but it’s too late to switch everything around now - she needs the bigger room as she often has a friend to stay over as her school's not local.

He’s on the middle floor and both DD & DH are coming up the creaky stairs throughout the evening, when he’s gone to bed at 8pm for a 4am start. Even in the day, when he’s come off nights he can’t have any peace, as DH works 4 on/4 off, and will wake him having a shower (the tapping of the water pipes goes on for hours) or clattering away in the kitchen (which is under DS’s room) during the daytime. A friend suggested going out more, but that doesn't really work as DD needs to be revising for GCSE's at home, and we can't afford to eat out often. We'd wake him coming back home later anyway.

It’s making me angry and frustrated seeing him so tired, and when I remind DH & DS to fit noisy tasks like unpacking the dishwasher or showering round when DS is up, they say things like ‘we’re prisoners in our own home’ and ‘he should get a day job like everyone else’. He has tried unsuccessfully, and to be honest everything else about his job he likes – the team are nice and it’s very local. I feel so sorry because he’s just a touch above NMW and has no hope of moving to his own place; another room in a shared house would be no better either.

What can I do to help? It's causing a real rift. Even the cat is against him getting sleep - he has to shut her on the ground floor and if if she escapes upstairs she zooms round, and scrats on his door.

DD is getting a lot of hate when OP herself has said it would be hard to move rooms and DS has expressed that he would rather not move rooms either

£350 is a lot for living at home, but then a good deal of MN think you should kick your children out at 18 and never support them again....

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if this has been said but the putty ear plugs have changed my life! They’re designed for swimmers (I think!) to stop water getting in but I don’t hear anything when I have those in and my white noise machine on and I sleep alot in the day and have 4 kids a baby and a very barky dog!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/BUDDIES-Original-Swimming-Earplugs-Magenta/dp/B01B8B8L46/ref=mp_s_a_1_3_pp_maf_2?crid=3E5813NOYLQ4C&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.sLJWXNc3P80CUc1sBQmE3SrJMWU_clX0IBBpiCaRqY3BvUVmUF5oD35Zs8Oxwz62AU1Zdr7vEuvcL9LdmrmMPbBIzsZUjT6nPeme00rZ4ide2AmeOSvpZuYqyakjAaxwcpPAFpj1uyR8Pmb_xJXeVf3xwuN0ixDcXyOX-jSyFB9iIsa0G-FuKrq1pq5s6qBtKBsXoHOaYad3GHd9JtW3TA.8kPfNcR3tqb7c05-PrQGW-ZIAiMjv1FmjJbp4sOXZOg&dib_tag=se&keywords=putty+ear+plugs&qid=1709661679&sprefix=putty+ear+plugs%2Caps%2C207&sr=8-3

this - if they cant be quiet, then swap rooms

To make your point you could stand out side their rooms while your sons on night shift and they're sleeping and clash cymbals while stomping up and down the stairs

I think they are being selfish particularly your dh who should be supporting his son. I'm sure he would be moaning if he wasn't contributing!

Glad he's going to try better noise defenders hope your dh is paying!

In the world that you're still living at home, on minimum wage and possibly trying to save for a deposit or to rent.

@Janiie and why isn't the other 2/3 of his wage sufficient for that?

I've previously worked nights and earlies amongst other shifts. I've never expected anyone in the house to stop normal daily activities. It's unrealistic.

Well I presume he also has outgoings like social events, clothing, travel to and from work. To charge a dc £350 who is on minimum wage is awful, poor lad and that's without the constant disturbance caused by his selfish family.

I've been both the person working nights and the person living with roomates who did, so I can empathise with everyone here.

Not going to pour through the thread but here are my best tips:

1. Get him a box fan or white/brown noise player and have him switch to high quality ear plugs. Add a cotton or wool headband/buff over the earplugs.
2. Add a sound-dampening pad under his bedroom rug and some tapestries for the walls. Same for DD's room.
3. Investing in some acoustic foam panels for his room (especially around the door, his headboard and under his bed) may be worth it - the affordable quality ones are not attractive but he likely doesn't care.
4. Put a runner on the stairs or in the hallway if you don't have one
5. Shoes off in the house for everyone
6. Discuss reasonable and limited quiet hours when everyone is calm, not as part of a spat. "Be quiet in the house whenever DS is sleeping" isn't a reasonable ask, but not doing dishes after 10:00pm probably is, for example.

@AGoingConcern This is gold, thank you!

Big thank you to everyone else too - I really appreciate your view on the situation.

Just to reiterate, DS doesnt want to swap rooms - he's worried his built-in tech won't work up there.

However, I had a pleasant chat with both the cymbal-clangers (seperately). DH tried a weak push back with 'I had to try to sleep through the kids when they were little and I was on nights at Monarch'. He then seemed to realise 2 wrongs dont make a right and agreed to stop chucking plates round the kitchen after 8pm when DS is on a 4am start.

DD was fine with the more considerate approach, but she was on cloud 20 anyway, because I gave her a lift to get her brows seen to.

Meanwhile, DS had brown noise (the tumble dryer remix) on Alexa and got a record 9 hrs uninterrupted before nightshift tonight.

So initial success, and the 2 types of earplugs arrive tomorrow so the clangers can hopefully shower any time the mood takes them.