To Ask Them To Be Considerate and Quiet?

[Charliesunnysky10]

My son is 19 and works nights and earlies. He never complains about the shift work but is struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep with the noise generated by our household. What’s worse, both he and I have appealed to DH & DD who is 16 to be considerate, and I feel like they are making no effort to be quieter/stop putting landing lights on etc. I feel like they're being selfish and bratty at times.

He pays £350 per month and I think he deserves a bit of consideration. It’s a 3-storey terrace (loft conversion as we couldn't afford to move to a bigger place) and DD is on the top floor, which would be better for him, but it’s too late to switch everything around now - she needs the bigger room as she often has a friend to stay over as her school's not local.

He’s on the middle floor and both DD & DH are coming up the creaky stairs throughout the evening, when he’s gone to bed at 8pm for a 4am start. Even in the day, when he’s come off nights he can’t have any peace, as DH works 4 on/4 off, and will wake him having a shower (the tapping of the water pipes goes on for hours) or clattering away in the kitchen (which is under DS’s room) during the daytime. A friend suggested going out more, but that doesn't really work as DD needs to be revising for GCSE's at home, and we can't afford to eat out often. We'd wake him coming back home later anyway.

It’s making me angry and frustrated seeing him so tired, and when I remind DH & DS to fit noisy tasks like unpacking the dishwasher or showering round when DS is up, they say things like ‘we’re prisoners in our own home’ and ‘he should get a day job like everyone else’. He has tried unsuccessfully, and to be honest everything else about his job he likes – the team are nice and it’s very local. I feel so sorry because he’s just a touch above NMW and has no hope of moving to his own place; another room in a shared house would be no better either.

What can I do to help? It's causing a real rift. Even the cat is against him getting sleep - he has to shut her on the ground floor and if if she escapes upstairs she zooms round, and scrats on his door.

Swap rooms and a better set of earplugs

I can highly recommend 'Happy Ears' earplugs - they are the only ones that I have found that a. stay in and b. really do block out sound.

Also, an eye mask, as stupid as they feel, stops you becoming roused from deep sleep by the light to the degree that you are then likely to be woken up by the sounds. Get him one with a cool backing as they can otherwise get a bit hot and oppressive.

How does he deal with the heat in the summer OP? Since he needs to keep his door and windows shut for noise, DS struggles with heat in the summer as despite thermal blind and curtains, his room still gets very warm and he is someone who feels the heat anyway. Lives in shorts and t shirt all year round.

Thinking of looking into some kind of AC unit.

Has he tried antihistamines? I take a piriton equivalent before going to bed when I do nights. Saves my life, makes the difference between 3 hours of sleep without and 5-6 with. I feel rough when I do nights but nothing like as bad as used to feel before I discovered drowsy antihistamines!

No it's not fair asking everyone to be quiet during normal waking hours. It's unfair to everyone. He needs good quality ear plugs and black out curtains. If he's still struggling then a noise machine would be a good idea. Can he look for a day time job? As working nights isn't good for the body or mind.

Highly recommend the Loop nighttime ones, I use them every day and now cant sleep without them, they are great

Well if your daughter doesn't like the kids hanging around outside from her bedroom - that is another very good reason to have them swap rooms as your son won't be there overnight. His need trumps hers having an occasional sleep over in any case.

I have worked nights and understand. it's torture not being able to sleep.

He isn't doing enough himself at the moment though - he needs the absolute best quality ear plugs (I use wax ones) - he needs to play something fairly loudly like white noise or whatever works for him (I put on guided meditations on spotify on a loop if I can't sleep)

Then you could introduce a couple of basic rules and write them up for others to follow.

@Silvers11 I agree his need trumps hers. The kids don't bother her at all. It's blinds down, headphones on.

Neither of them want to swap rooms. I knew she didn't, but I spoke with DS when he came home from work just now. He would rather try the better earplugs/white noise route first as his tech stuff is built-in. That said he has worn out when I saw him and probably envisaging a whole load more work!

@waterrat This is the plan - thank you.

@Screwballs Thank you. Those are the ones he has coming. Glad they work for you. Hopefully will for him too.

Absolutely this

In what world is £350 for all your food, bills and board 'too high'?! How many of us get all that for 1/3 of our take home pay?

Boots wax earplugs and white noise on an app. I agree about swapping rooms.

Earplugs

Tell DD to be more considerate or they will be swapping rooms and follow through on it.

DH needs to grow up.

I think you can ask them to be quiet to an extent but you can’t expect them to creep about in silence, not shower ect.

get your son some of the silicone waxy earplugs, they’re a game changer!

This. Especially as he's paying rent. He deserves more consideration.

You need to swap the rooms.

I am a light sleeper and i have a white noise machine (an easy one where you just plug in and switch on link ) and use either silicone or wax earplugs. The combo of both really helps

Move him to the top, less noise there and he’s paying.

As someone who's worked night shifts, I would advise unless DD can be considerate to her brother need for sleep they loose the benefit of having large room in the loft.

I actually moved into the loft as our house was too noisy and it affected my mental health due to the constantly interupted sleep.

Agree.

sounds like DD is typical thoughtless teen. I would lay down the law, swap DC’s rooms, and limit DD’s having friends round to the evenings when DS in on night shift.

I disagree that £350 is too much, he’s an adult working full time and that includes his rent, food and phone package.

I think you’re doing the right thing OP by trialling some other things before switching rooms.

If your son doesn't like white noise, it'll be worth him giving brown noise a go. I go to sleep listening to that each night and I'm asleep in minutes. It's a lower frequency than white apparently.

Hope he gets some decent sleep soon.