To Ask Them To Be Considerate and Quiet?

[Charliesunnysky10]

My son is 19 and works nights and earlies. He never complains about the shift work but is struggling to get to sleep and stay asleep with the noise generated by our household. What’s worse, both he and I have appealed to DH & DD who is 16 to be considerate, and I feel like they are making no effort to be quieter/stop putting landing lights on etc. I feel like they're being selfish and bratty at times.

He pays £350 per month and I think he deserves a bit of consideration. It’s a 3-storey terrace (loft conversion as we couldn't afford to move to a bigger place) and DD is on the top floor, which would be better for him, but it’s too late to switch everything around now - she needs the bigger room as she often has a friend to stay over as her school's not local.

He’s on the middle floor and both DD & DH are coming up the creaky stairs throughout the evening, when he’s gone to bed at 8pm for a 4am start. Even in the day, when he’s come off nights he can’t have any peace, as DH works 4 on/4 off, and will wake him having a shower (the tapping of the water pipes goes on for hours) or clattering away in the kitchen (which is under DS’s room) during the daytime. A friend suggested going out more, but that doesn't really work as DD needs to be revising for GCSE's at home, and we can't afford to eat out often. We'd wake him coming back home later anyway.

It’s making me angry and frustrated seeing him so tired, and when I remind DH & DS to fit noisy tasks like unpacking the dishwasher or showering round when DS is up, they say things like ‘we’re prisoners in our own home’ and ‘he should get a day job like everyone else’. He has tried unsuccessfully, and to be honest everything else about his job he likes – the team are nice and it’s very local. I feel so sorry because he’s just a touch above NMW and has no hope of moving to his own place; another room in a shared house would be no better either.

What can I do to help? It's causing a real rift. Even the cat is against him getting sleep - he has to shut her on the ground floor and if if she escapes upstairs she zooms round, and scrats on his door.

19 is really not the easiest age to be independent. He has done well to get a job and is paying rent. That is something to be proud of IMO.

Agree with all the posters. They swap rooms. He needs sleep more than dd needs her friends to come for a sleepover

It's just incredible that the dd's sleepovers have being prioritised over him needing sleep for his actual job!

Op, why can't she have a sleepover in a different room?

He is paying 350 quid! I think he gets the choice here.

*annoyed not annoying

@wubwubwub Thanks - and to everyone who suggested it - I'm drawing up a plan for how this will be done.

He has a lot of tech which is built-in, so it's not a weekend, job - the WIFI is weak up there too, so it'll need a second source (DS games in his spare time).

Also he bought expensive blackout for his current room - there are 4 skylights & 3 windows in the loft con which will need sorting.

Lastly, he sleeps at the front currently - the loftcon bedroom has windows to the front and rear. We have a group of about half a dozen teens who gather most nights under the light in the lane at the back of our house, messing about and being noisy, (just basically being teens).

DS doesn’t hear them at the front, but my daughter does in her room (she puts headphones on to block it). Ironically, it’s DH who gets irate over this – has emailed the council about their litter and the streetlight. I’ve asked him not to approach directly in case they damage our car etc.

So the room change is not a quick swap, cheap solution – or a clear advantage. I’d rather try white noise app and better ear plugs first.

I agree that he's paying too much, I think you should be saving £150/£200 out of that for him if he's not good at saving money himself

@endofthelinefinally I feel this 100%. Thank you for seeing it too.

And I agree with everyone that he contributes, she doesn't. It's my fault for not mentioning in the original post about the issues with swapping their rooms.

Has he tried using white noise? We used a white noise machine from amazon but you can play it on alexa and youtube too.

The family is just engaging in normal activity. Emptying the dishwasher, showering, and walking up the stairs are not unreasonable. I expected a post of loud music, friends over and chatting outside his door, and yelling between floors instead of talking face to face.

My DD shares a room with 2 other girls and goes to bed before them. She uses an eye mask, loop ear plugs and then a bluetooth headband with earphones built in over the top (she plays brown noise on them from her phone). https://www.amazon.co.uk/Headphones-Bluetooth-Personalised-Sleepphones-Sleepers/dp/B091775677/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3TV8ML6TMP18H&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.TbJdZH0PO0RZZ6s_hTOTFVhFFFlSe2ogLlDXbOXzO19jxM5n9jdo3_eZscnEUecqhcLgYBm6D8GurEPDCwDO2x3s9s7D3sMu7VDUCXMCbou3x5alqU4pSHpmHHCUcW54iUnbOnsv5DPEDpd3OZg4rCf_jV6WCYdQTws3K_cFFu7t3bbYQOEONAwJtpvvWwwwc-fN0ZP8IdJ2h0Sa-8IST4wPzSxxqJ-8coh-Dg_B5OI.mi8LDpMYhRUCKnpycrAhmH8vZ0tZf9fX8uOGxxUF8EE&dib_tag=se&keywords=headband+earphones+for+sleeping&qid=1709644672&sprefix=Headband+ear%2Caps%2C189&sr=8-3

It works well for her

@hhhhhhhhhhaar You make a good point. All his food is included (though he does buy additional food things for himself and the family if I ask, as he works in a shopping centre). His mobile is part of our package. But we should look at putting some of that rent aside where we can, to give back when he needs a deposit for something.

Although his hourly rate is only a touch above NMW, he gets the hours in so £350 didn't seem that high.

@Ponderingwindow There's a bit of yelling between floors, but yes, mainly household tasks. It is good to get perspective on this - thank you.

I get she's a teen but surely you hold the cards here, so start with the basics and try 'if you don't shut up and show some consideration there's no sleepovers for the foreseeable'.

Teens are very easy to bribe/negotiate wirh. Ditto try removing phone. You're the boss in your house.

So, that leaves your dh why is he such an inconsiderate arse? Is your ds his?

Yelling between floors isn't ok.

This! He's on minimum wage . He'll never save to move out paying that.

I’m surprised by your DH. Does he need to be told that ongoing poor sleep can cause health problems?

Would swapping rooms really help that much? It sounds like sound travels much more than normal in your house if he's disturbed by pipes and people using the kitchen below his room. Your daughter already has issues with noise in the attic room. Has he actually ever tried sleeping up there to see if it's better?

Has he tried being inconsiderate at 4am? Does he shower, unload the dishwasher, use the washing machine?

Yelling between floors? When your husband and daughter know he's sleeping, wtaf??!!

@janie Thanks. Yes DS is his. Over the last few years DH's become easily irritated (like male menopause/Gammon style), but he's a good dad and husband overall. I'm not the easiest either (menopause/try to pick my battles but sometimes don't get it right). So I can appeal to his better nature, and it might be more successful; my present approach is losing my temper and accusing them of being thoughtless and I know that doesn't get results.

Similar situation here but it's really only soon to be ex H that is an inconsiderate arsehole.

DS works night-shift and whilst I agree that the world can't come to a halt and I have no control over the outside (lazy shites who peep their horn rather than get their lazy arses out their car) it's not hard to just be considerate.

Had to laugh the other day when the night prior to his first shift DS stays up later and was hungry so made himself a bowl of soup about 4am. I was oblivious but it woke H up and he was moaning. I just said that I didn't hear as I'm used to someone (him) banging about in the kitchen while I'm trying to sleep.

I'd definitely swap his room to the top floor. DD list her right to the privilege to the larger space when she failed to be considerate.

If DD can wear headphones because of noise.. well you can see the point

They are just engaging in normal household tasks - if the stairs are so creaky and the pipes so noisy then those need looking into. The dishwasher noise - when you are tired and struggling to sleep then even the slightest noise can wake you.

£350 is extremely high. Half of that seems fair

Headphones and eye mask, thicker carpet for his room, soundproofing even

Since you are making it sound impossible to swap rooms

Fan and earplugs should do the trick, or white noise - amazon alexa rain sounds but maybe he's tried all that already

I agree, switch rooms with the sister.

Also, earplugs and get some of the wall insulation etc, blackout blinds. Maybe a fan / white noise.

Your poor son needs his sleep, I'm glad you are being so supportive.

Another thing that might help is an obvious sign to show he’s sleeping, maybe in the kitchen and on the stairs. He can stick them out when he gets in, collect them up when he wakes up.
It’s just a reminder- they may feel more helpful if the reminder is there before they’ve been noisy, rather than as a telling off.